Domestic Violet

He said . . .

. . . “later in life

you will understand this”

right after he

blackened my eye and

left me with 2 broken ribs

but not before punching a hole in my face

the size of a nickel

blowing open the inside of my cheek

where railroad track scarring

runs from in front of my ear

to the tip of my chin and

 

air came out of the hole when I tried to talk

healing over slowly to the size of a softball

and exploding with infection

repeatedly

finally becoming the size of a golf ball after nine months

and I  “will understand later”  were some of the most

insane words ever spoken to me

but

ten years later

after part of the tooth behind the punch broke off some years ago

and the golf ball shrank to pea-size eventually

and now is barely noticeable

unless I try to smile with the now paralyzed smiler muscle

tied in a knot

in very cold weather

like recently

and ‘tis the season when I

think about him

grateful I am

and I do “understand”

that it took what it took

to change my

life

every nasty verbal beating and

every punch in the eye

and drinking to excess without really knowing

why

and now it’s almost 9 years since my last drink

and ten years since the LAST MAN

who will ever beat the shit out of me

and yes I understand what a huge favor he did

when he threw me to the floor and planted a steel-tipped pointy toed

cowboy boot into my side

making sure I could not breath for over 2 months

yet some of his other words I carry also

“You are destined for greatness” he said of me

while “I am destined for mediocrity” he stated about himself

so

his jealousy was vented all over

me

and I was still there for

the second hit

but he cured me

and I got word from mutual acquaintances that

he is still right where I left him

stuck

and sick

and I am great and grateful

and FREE …

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX 

 

She hid the knife . . .

 

. . . the one she killed him with

the man who beat her

unmercifully

and our justice system found it necessary to punish her further

with prison time

for freaking out at what she’d done

attempting to conceal the whereabouts of

the weapon

the one that freed her

and I knew her way back when

as I lived in a similar

hell

but the Power of the Universe

saw fit to remove the abuser entirely in my case

so I wouldn’t have to pick up

a gun or a knife

to defend my own life

leaving me

widowed

sober

and gratefully

unwilling to enter in

to the abusive realm of relationship

with anyone . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

I didn't invent . . .

Violence !

I know I've said this

before !

It was visited upon me long before

I threw my sister to the floor !

And I repeat this -

please realize -

to illustrate and emphasize

the CYCLE -

generationally in motion

long before I became a

Battered Wife !

What is " NORMAL "

( customarily taking place within a family )

is typically a dynamic unquestionable

until we grow up get out of the house and

see it through different eyes -

and Oh though we may know somehow

all along that "it's all WRONG!" -

it will be a long time for some of it to change if ever

and for some it will take much courage and many

dark nights !

A normal day from infancy -

 included for me

a lot of screaming and yelling and laying on of hands and

fists and feet -

dishes flying furniture broken hearts all bloody in the mix -

parent leaving one left crying children all dazed

and confused and praying to God it won't happen again !

But you know it will

and although you say someday it won't be this way -

you wake up later in life in your own living room with a

bruise and blood pouring from your nose

and your children are dazed and

confused -

and one day their children will be too

unless you stop it make it stop please god make it stop and then

you know it's up to

you

but what about the rest you will be tested maybe arrested

with family functioning as always they call you back to way it's always

been and you know it can never be the same again

and then you

choose . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

From American Beauty . . .

a violent scene

when a teenage Son

is beaten by his Father -

accused of things he

has not done -

" You are a sad old Man " - says the Son

and his Father is the

guilty one -

as is usually the case

when one projects

upon another

their own character defects -

what is actually true of them -

what they have done !

Father demands the boy

leave

and says he would  " rather see him dead 

than the faggot "

he mistakenly believes him to be !

The boy's Mother -

at the door -

a ghost of a Woman -

who STAYED

all of her life with an ABUSIVE husband -

a closet homosexual -

so you can imagine her sex life !!!!

He kills the next door neighbor -

who he

imagines

is getting sexual favors from his Son -

mistaking the neighbor for being gay -

he tries to kiss him

attempting to " come out " in

his neighbor's garage !!!

Either he's paranoid delusional or

he's been drinking too much gin !

But my next favorite part

is when his Son

packs a box

and

walks down the block

but not before kissing his Mother at the door -

telling her he " wishes things had been

better for her " and

" Wear a raincoat " is all she says -

too far gone to say anything more -

as he heads down the rainy street

to his girlfriend Janie's house

where her so-called friend

had been flirting with her Dad

and a fight ensues among the three teens -

harsh words with

the beautiful American

blue-eyed

blonde

getting the last word -

" At least I'm not UGLY " !!!!!

" Yes you are " says the boy

" You are ugly and

boring

and totally ordinary

and you know it " -

he says calmly

and leaves with Janie -

for parts unknown -

leaving the beauty and Janie's Dad home alone !

" I think I'm ordinary "  - she tells Janie's Dad

and he replies with lust in his eyes -

 " You couldn't be ordinary if you tried " !!!

" Thank you " she says -

redeemed by his words

as they begin to get intimate -

he in the middle of a mid-life crisis

and she with her hymen still

intact -

what an expression he gets

when she tells him

that -

while his unhappy work-a-holic "coming apart" wife

is on her way home with a gun in her designer bag -

and it would seem she would be the one

to take his life -

but in the end his closet gay neighbor

picked him to vent his rage upon -

his own guilty conscience

splattered like the

blood

of an innocent Man -

who says from the " other side "

epilogue -

" . . . like an ocean of time -

the last second before you die . . .

grateful am I -

for every second of

my stupid little life  . . .

it's hard to stay mad

when there's so much

beauty

in the world " . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

Crackers and cheese . . .

created

conflict

in the break room -

chaos

in Corporate America -

when he

settled in with Coca-cola and

a newspaper -

Pepper Jack cheese and Sociables

in his lunch box on the table -

he proceeded to read

the latest media

fable

and then she entered the room

from some other

department -

looking for a snack

in the community ice-box

as he noticed she had long

locks

and wasn't too bad

from behind

but he quickly

looked down when she turned

around

saying - " Oh is that Pepper Jack ? "

" Yes it is " - he replied

and he cut off a slice

when she asked for a bite

and " some crackers too please if I might ? "

As she walked away

he thought to himself -

how interesting she didn't mind asking -

and though he didn't mind sharing -

he didn't know her at all -

not even her name -

so he went back to work

giving it no other thought -

stoking the fires of

Corporate machinery -

and later at the last break

he stepped outside to smoke

and five steps from his car

was cold-cocked

from behind -

a solid punch in the eye -

dropping him easily

in surprise

initially -

but he got right up

with a Black Belt in his

resume

and side-kicked his nameless

assailant

in the knee !

Not a word was exchanged in the

less-than-30 seconds

altercation

and then two of the bully's buddies

showed up -

helping him up -

without giving voice to the

why's and wherefore's -

so he cleaned up his eye

and went back to work -

wondering what was UP with

that  " fucking jerk " ?????? ?

And then the girl

appeared

after a while -

cheese and crackers all gone -

not smiling at all !!!!!

" That was my boyfriend who hit you in the eye -

he's real jealous and saw us talking

through the break room window

as he passed by -

you broke his knee you know -

he's at the hospital right now

and thanks a lot asshole -

you just ruined Thanksgiving and Christmas

for me " !!!!!!!!!!!!!

And one told his boss

he slipped on the asphalt in the

Corporate parking lot -

and the other said

he " knocked his head "

on a machine

as he was working

without enough light !!!

They had to withhold

the truth

or both get fired -

Corporate rules !

And who would believe it was

crackers and cheese . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

Presidential debate . . .

between

Barack Obama and John McCain -

after a friendly

handshake -

rolls slowly to the first

bitch slap!

and he hits him

back !

Take that !!!

with a POW !

and a ssSMACK !!!! -

and he throws him

on the floor -

with his Tax -

and a knee to the groin

flips him over -

claiming Health care

reform -

now prone -

and about this time

they really get going -

a direct kick

in the shin

with a sardonic

grin -

but a poke in the eye

from him

wipes the smile

off his face -

a BRUTAL RACE !!! -

boys and girls -

face to face

one last time -

a race of the worst kind -

for President of the United States -

in black and white

for the first time -

and as the tension

rises

he's got him in a choke-hold

brazen and bold

Economic Policy

and then a

roundhouse

knocks him down

9,8,7 . . .

and he's

UP

with a smile

so sweet

and he's light

on his feet -

side-stepping

and attempted

full Nelson -

when the referee tells them

" Your ass is mine

Gentlemen -

get back on track -

we're short on

time " !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And they came back

around -

all nicey nicey

but the look in their eyes was

rather dicey !

One swallowed a

canary

with a knife behind his back -

and the other

ate some crow -

for show -

and placed a well-trained toe

straight into his opponent's

shin

again -

" Begin again - Finnegan " !!!

the referee

proclaimed -

" Go to your corners and

come out having turned the page -

you are stuck in a

rut of mud-slinging muck

like a couple of gossipy

6th graders " !!!!!!!!!!!

He says this -

He says that -

with occasional

interruptus

and a POW! and a

ZING !!!! -

and the tone and the

WHINE

has a familial

ring -

with another bitch SLAP ! -

that takes him

down

for the

count

6,5,4 . . .

but he rebounds

real quickly -

taunting him with -

" MY dog's BIGGER than

your dog -

my dog's BIGGER than YOURS "

and " here's why my

shit

don't stink !!!! "

Again the referee

changes their direction -

with another question -

a momentary

cluster fuck -

as he tattled and

rattled his

cage -

suppressing

RAGE

at aborting the mission

with a touch of

Equality -

quickly erased by a

deluge

of fear

guilt

and shame

on the wave of

Roe vs. Wade

when he

naively recites

how Education

will help prevent

unwanted pregnancy !

( " Did you hear that Nancy ????? " )

I'm sorry Man -

it's way too late for that -

don't you know ? -

he said with his

condescending eyes

and scanned the audience for

confirmation and approval -

then he reminded every student in the NATION

of their Student Loans debts of

obligation

and he went on to say

finding other kinds of work

for BAD teachers

might be a good idea  -

and he says they left

the Money behind

for NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND

and Sucker-punches his

opponent

in mid-swing -

blocking his  ability

to keep the venom

from his voice -

but hawks the notion of

Transparency

while hiding in the

Bushes -

with his foot sticking out -

in wait to trip

the other guy

as he walks by

and the final flag

comes down

in the last

round -

no holds were barred -

no weapon

unused -

no feathers and tar

however -

both were left bloody

and bruised -

red white and blue -

justified

left and right of

center -

now WE get to

choose

and Joe the Plumber

too !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

( is this all there is ? ) -

and one gets

lost

while leaving the ring

as the other one

had so eloquently

illustrated

and he who

displayed

such an interesting proficiency with

sarcastic character

assassination -

I wonder if the White House is

his next destination ?

WOW !!!

EEK !

Now -

do We have any more

choices ?????? -

while MILLIONS of US

cow-tow to

500 Federal EMPLOYEES -

WE need to take it ALL back -

do the MATH -

3,2,1 . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

I made a promise . . .

I could not keep  -

more than once

I recited

the vow -

to love

honor

cherish

" until death

do us part "

I was sincere -

I meant every word

every time

and then

he Hit me

and because I meant it -

I stayed

and then he Hit me again

and again I stayed

and then he Hit me

again and

I promised -

didn't I -

to remain

like a sentence -

to the end -

so when

I finally had to

run

for my life

after vowing to

forever be his

wife -

it meant I could no longer

follow through

with what I promised to do -

and I'm still mad at

the simple truth that

the actions of

another

canceled the plan

to do all of my life

with

just one Man -

and it became

impossible to remain

in the company of

a fast - moving fist

with a 4 year - old

grown Man on the end of it

as a the first blow

broke the deal

and I should have yelled

FOUL !!!! -

but instead I had no other choice

but to move on

to the next madness -

and I should have left after the

first swing

each time

but

instead I hung around for more

because I said

I would

so don't ever ask me

WHY

I

stayed

expecting some profound

explanation

when of course

YOU would not have

right ?

Isn't that what most of you

believe

about a sad and sick

moment in time -

a heartbreaking

spirit - killing

life - altering

event -

a deciding factor that

cannot be

undone -

one which you cannot conceive

unless you've been there

yourself ?

And if you know

what I mean

or you are currently THERE

ask yourself WHY -

not me !

My last husband

knew

all

and knew how important it was

to me

to finally

follow through

" until death do "

but

he was so competitive with me

that he made sure I never

got a damn thing -

not a thing that meant anything to

me

was I ever

allowed -

with him intervening

any immature chance

he got  ( now that's LOVE !!! )

and just as I was about to

end the broken deal

with divorce papers on my desk -

doctors said CANCER

and I put away the

paperwork

and took care of him

instead -

heartless bitch that I am !

My reward was

even more abuse

because

of course

no one has any respect for

someone they can

push around

and of course there is the

unspoken rule that

" you can't get mad

at the CANCER patient -

no matter what they do

right " ???????????

When he died

2 and 1/2 years later

I was still

married to him -

divorce papers still in the

drawer -

so that part

of the promise made

came true one time

even though by then

I lived

3 blocks down the

street !

So which way is it ???

Would you stay because you promised to

or would you go because

YOU would never

let a Man hit YOU ?

Until you are there

you will never know . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

 

 

I so much abhor . . .

VIOLENCE -

even though I have seen

plenty -

been part and

parcel

myself

but

I despise it

worse than

anything -

repelled instead

now

by the escalating

tension

volume

name - calling

obtuse resistance to

the " other guy's "

take -

angst and ensuing

ugliness

peaks

as the immature

solve the problem

with

rage and fists

and feet !

GOTTA WIN !!!!!!!!!!!

Every year

100,000 WOMEN

die

with a restraining order in

their purse

and what is worse -

some are cursed

by a poverty place where there's

not enough

already

much less

the fee for the

piece of paper

which states

the stalker/abuser

person hater

cannot by law come

near

while some who have

large enough

sums

were denied

by a judge

the day before

they died

at the hands of

one who

claimed to

LOVE them

at an earlier time

and

either way

it is

heinous and

horrendous crime

but I'm here to say

that no legalese

makes or breaks

any deal

at any time

whether marriage or

separate maintenance

or however sheets are

split

when there is either

shit or

commit

and sometimes a pot

and intruction to

" get off it "

while fencing and

fence-walkers

bound around the

sound

of violence in

the night . . .

Domestic VIolet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

In The Path of . . .

. . . my people ~

I watched the sky turn

grey

green

black

with my Grampa

from the porch

while others

hid under the

bed

in the basement

and my Grama's hands

pleaded pulled

me

protectively to

stay near her

in the house

in the early 60's ~

Today it twisted North

up the I-25 corridor

from the South where

people I know and Love

live there

a Mile Wide anvil Evil funnel

cut a zig-zagged wake of

destruction -

natural

VIOLENCE

up the Front Range

Rockies

a mile high and

I'm having my usual

delayed reaction

after the fact

melt

down

Stoically silent

non-plussed

non-hysterical in the face of disaster

calm in the tornado's eye

survivor . . . from the VORTEX

feeling it all later

I start coming

apart . . .

after I find some of my people were

narrowly missed or

not in the area

when they might have been

any other day

and I "knew"

not to go on a long-planned

trip

over a week ago

when it became O.K.

to stay

and not take some of my people

in the car and

drive into the

North Eastern plains -

leaving

yesterday . . .

Thank you Intuition and

God

for the lives

not lost . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

After Battery . . .

. . . when the survivor is moving on

beyond violence

the likelihood that another

domestic situation will occur

in another relationship

is quite high

no matter how hard you try

to go on with your life -

start anew -

telling yourself it won't happen again

to you

Another Guy

is not the answer !!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! !!!!!

Another guy will sometimes

feel entitled to do what the last one

did

" You're used to it, aren't you ? "

was another guy's drunken excuse

after his first surprise ambush

resulted in breaking my ribs !!!!!!!!!!!!

When I cried

asking in stunned disbelief

as I fought for my breath

" How can you do this

when you KNOW what has happened -

and where I have already been ???????? "

Precisely the point -

he knew

because I told him

unable to restrain my

compunction to tell

the truth -

too early

my life story

because I didn't know yet

I should not !!!

And by the way he was the last man  (YAYYYYY !!!)

to get away with

the HIT  !!!

When someone already knows

that you have  " taken "  a beating

and even more than once

it seems much easier for them to

cross that line I've noticed

especially if

they already had a propensity to

anyway

and

I did not take the time required

to get to know                            any man

before I lived with and/or

became his wife or

girlfriend

and I could find an abusive man

if I were blindfolded

in the dark

because the truly nice guys

were not so attractive to me

cuz

I liked the Bad Boys from the start

or perhaps cuz I was surrounded by them

starting with my Dad and

did not know the

difference !!!

Another man is not the answer

because he's not the problem

either !

You will find another abuser

without meaning to

until you deal with

YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This I'm telling you from my own

painfully extensive experience

so you may take it or leave it

but think about the message

you sent to the abuser

who first " got away with it "

and you were there for it

again

again

and thought another " nicer " guy would

make the difference

down the road -

( if you live to get that far ! )

If you keep doing what you do

you will get what you've always

gotten

I guarantee

It's up to YOU !!!!!!!!!!!

And I would have to know a man

or any one for that matter

a longer time to share

personal information of

such delicate nature -

the kind I owe to no one

now -

long enough to establish his

capacity for

foe or friend

and the size of his

heart

and mind ~

This is only one of the changes

I needed to make

to heal up from DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

beyond mere survival ~

It has nothing to do with

gender in the end

however

when the same entitlement

can be present with Women -

it is not confined unfortunately

just to the realm of

Men !!!

People in general are very judgey

on the subject of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE -

still blaming the one who got

hit

especially if they are a hitter themselves

feeling quite superior and

comfortably lacking empathy

- especially if they are free from abuse -

so sure they are that they would never

        " Let it "

happen to them

as Morning Glory Stories

in the FLOWER Girls category

reflects

and I've found others who

share similar sentiments

in the rhetoric of the trivialities

of their typical everydayness

and they have contempt

for the battered party

who must not have enough

SELF-RESPECT or whatever

in the first place

and is also obviously

not deserving of humane treatment

demonstrated by the hitter -

becoming easier for others to follow suit and

target or

reject !!!

So it's easy from what I've seen

for others to be lazy

and cruelly display the

herd mentality

and show their ignorant

lack of compassion and

absence of original thought

with evidence how easily they are

influenced by powerful

suggestion -

taking their cues from others and

treating you badly

TOO !!!

After all -

aren't you used to it ? . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

 

 

Day 365

At this approximate time

one year ago

Domestic Violet

and the FLOWER Girls

came out of the

void

of cyberspace

to say

END the VIOLENCE !

from . . . the VORTEX

from the maelstrom

Violet

SURVIVED !

There are some who disagree

with me

with who I am

what I think feel

say and

do

and the color of my hair

too

I send healing white light

to you

implicating no one

dead or alive

for to imply

would belie

the truth

I simply tell it

protecting others

anonymously

leaving all to wear

the shoes

fitting their own

size

The point is not

who what when or

where

but rather that

some children from

varying degrees of

abusive childhoods

grew up to be

a battered

and SURVIVED

and made it END

WHY pretend ?

WE don't want to just

physically heal

and go on like nothing happened

We're pushing out the dents

from the inside now

Domestic Violet

And the FLOWER Girls

as well

And that was disagreed with

too

some thinking WE should perhaps

continue taking

ABUSE

especially from YOU

Them WE They Her

HIM it some US

and one for sure

like a spy

or a pesky fly or

a dog with its nose

up someone's ass

scrutinized

categorized

pigeon-holed

criticized

formulating erroneous

conclusion

delusional labels

made wrong

inaccurate answer

for the reasons why

WE are

like a bug

under some Them

they us We their

self-appointed

magic magnifying

glass

WE realize at a glance

what that's about

OUR stance need not meet

with your approval

long past caring now

which comes with SURVIVING

knowing as well

WE"RE damned for saying it

out loud

and damned if WE don't

and if WE want more of that

vicious circle

WE'LL find another abusive man

to support

There is no politically

correct stance

for US

there cannot be

when WE'RE necessary for

scape-goating and

used to give comparative

referencing for the

false sense of security

and self esteem

some One none

All we They

and others

depend on

Some disagree with OUR

need to expose

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

wanting US to

remain silent

and they rush to

protect

the abuse in their lives ~

When they YOU us

them Others and

WE

turn a blind eye

WE all are guilty too

beyond simple

neglect

" Anyone who wants to

read this can "

I was told early on

Precisely the point !

and anyone else can move on

I would only NOT write this

on behalf of ALL Persons

if I had something to

hide

There are 6.7 Billion in

the world's estimate

so far

that means some billions

are OUR women

and some billions are

OUR babies

TOO many being treated

badly

by too many billion

'OTHERS'

as the stupid world is still doing

stupid WAR

YOU can't call cease-fire

on all conflict

'round the globe

but YOU can

make it change for

YOU

and everyone at

home

For ALL who are OUR

audience

WE thank you most profusely

for your attention to this

matter

looking forward to more ~

Domestic Violet

and the FLOWER Girls

and the fragrance of the violet

on the heel of the shoe that . . .

and Bignfatncat

The Collective

and I'm just sayin'

and Forgiveness

and LOVE_

and OPRAH & Dr. PHIL

and Poetry and the Poets

Change

the Environment

and Creation

Sad, but true

in the future

you're free to

disagree

in the comments

below . . .

And we'll get back to you !

Domestic Violet

and the FLOWER Girls

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

Fat'ncat

I drove home from

her funeral after

~ Gardenia

was laid to rest ~

a horrendous ordeal

gathered folks together

who would otherwise not meet

Condolences then

and now for those who

loved Gardenia ~

murdered by a jealous

lover

a man who once her neighbor

three weeks later

killed his wife ~

So from a negative negative

negative situation

a distantly mutual 

acquaintance in the ' after '

coffee crowd

exclaimed her need to

find a new home for her

" 8 year old neutered

never- made- me- mad in

his whole

life "

cat

I replied involuntarily

" I have a mouse !? "

although I didn't know why

I said a word ~

and then later she delivered

a taped shut extra large

filled with air holes

cardboard box

with cat gear loaded into

the cat carrier ????

in the dark

we filled my car

and she cried and put her

old bathrobe in the backseat

so her scent would be near

so he would not be

so badly affected

by the twilight-zone

experience he was

having

since she

shut him in the box ~

And so I drove for two hours

while the poor man-cat

meowed and thrashed around

and I cried too

talking to him

all the way home

with a cat and

disbelief ~

Gardenia's murder

earlier in the week

had stunned me

Her funeral numbed me

I realized

when I carried

the heavy box

into my living room

as I stripped off the tape

and

opened the flaps

I had no idea

what the cat looked like !

It could be ANYTHING

at all !

and out stepped a

mostly white medium coat

strangely marked with black

BIG'NFAT'NCAT !!!!!!!!!!!!

Eighteen pounds if he's an ounce

one green eye marked with

black melting down from the top

of his head

the other green eye surrounded by

his dominant white

A perfect 3 inch dot situated

mid - shoulder

at the back of his neck

and smaller indigo spots

on two legs

a paw and his head

On his rump

larger round dots

run together

in the shape of a PUPPY

with a profile like a Scottie and

a little curled-up tail !

It was surreal

the feel

of the strange-to-me

feline

at first sight

He came at the precise

moment I needed

another beating heart

in my house

but didn't know it

until that night

I was paralyzed by FEAR

at news of the DEATH of

the GARDENIA and he gave me a reason

to get off my chair

to give a care

right when

Universal Boss knew

I needed him most ( Merci ! )

Big'ncat'nfat'ncat

A.K.A. Fat'n

He's so beautiful

when he lets himself in

the old screened front door

in the summertime

by flipping it open with a paw

and gives it a push

and lets himself out

when he wants

and wakes me if I'm nodding

in my chair

and understands my every word

( if the cat could only talk ! )  . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

Cross my Heart

A foxhole Christian

he claimed to be

Viet Nam maimed him

the killing machine

claimed him

Cross my Heart

hope to die

if I tell a lie

He came home intact

medals on his chest

purple hearts are the best

They taught him to kill

against his own will

Cross his Heart

the enemy

had to die

yet the look in his eyes

was all wrong

Now I'm the Viet Cong

in a bunker

in the bedroom

Over his heart hangs a cross

made of gold

swinging wildly

as he tries

to kill

me

They did not

un-teach him

and I cannot reach him

Cross my Heart

I'm going to die

The truth can't reside in

delusion wild-eyed

what you cannot hide

is the cripple inside

Cross your Heart

hope not to

die

They taught him to

kill

so we can be free

so he can kill me

I asked him for Truth

I asked him for Peace

He tried and he lied

Cross my Heart

hope to live

The cross held no power

no hope for

no help for

the evil within

He looked in my eyes

with malignant surprise

as I turned to go

and then Doctors told of

death impending

Cross their Hearts

malignant inoperable

terminal ending

in the bunker

in the bedroom

Cross my Heart

Will he die

or will I ?

The killing machine

with an oxygen hose

goldenly glows

only God knows

They taught him

They freed him

He lied

then he died

Cross my Heart . . .

( 2001 )

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

on UGLY

I've always had an

eye

for beauty

noticed early on

my Mother's face

and Grandmothers grace

and pace at which my Father

won the race ~

My own toes

scared me though !

unsightly things they were

Revolted

Repelled

They were ugly !

They smelled

but not like some

others

around !

I was young and I'd run

pigeon-toed

knock-kneed

and fall and bleed

wearing ugly scabs

and fall and rip them off

and it was

Ugly !

And it was beautiful in my house

and in my town

and the country all around

but it was violently

Ugly !

I tried so

not to notice ~

I've never met a human being

that I would describe

as truly Ugly

at least not on the

outside

It's an inside

job

that beauty thing

so is EVERYTHING

the surface doesn't mean a thing

I see the beauty everywhere

with my outside looking

in ~

And I never picked a lover

because of his appearance

the thing I saw that kept me there

was something from within

the essence

hidden from view

the one my third eye saw

the spark of God

we all possess

the most brilliant beautiful

of all

and then he turned Ugly

with insults and a

punch

Revolted

Repelled

it offends

my beauty senses

but I stayed and did

try

to find the spark

again

the one he tried to hide

and he became even

Uglier

if you can imagine

and why not

I say

when it's a bottom line

life lesson

No one has any respect

for someone they can push around . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

Almost

I almost lost the boy

when he was born

Seconds after

his first breath

the ruddy hue

of babies new

began to look

like death

He went away

to I.C.U.

and not a thing that I

could do

Then I did bleed

much too profusely

There is no read . . . !

the nurse said

tersely

and then again

but far away

I get no reading  . . . !

as she desperately pumped

the blood pressure cuff

She has no PULSE . . . . . . . .

bleeding out and

fading off  . . . . .

I guess I'm dying

today . . .

they took the baby

away . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

My only thought

as consciousness left me

was of the man

who might go home

with no one

alone

?

I

was

granted

ANOTHER DAY

36 hours later !

I awakened somewhere else

not the room where

I gave LIFE and

death tried to steal it

away . . .

In a bed

on a slant \

          with ICE

between my legs

Intravenous hoses

in both my arms

gravity pulling at

my head

Where is my son ?

and husband too ?

Is this heaven ?

What happened to my baby ?

I cannot move !

trying anyway to

for hours

while nurses gave vague

rhetoric to my baby boy's

condition

He's in intensive care

they said

ask your Doctor in the morning !

He's ALIVE !!!!!!

and that was all they told me

No hope in this vagary

I set about

to get up

and out

and find my new son !

I got to see him

for only a moment

and then he was gone ~

With needles jammed up

both my wrists

I could not

bend my hands

or even reach the up - down

switch

but nothing stops the

Maternal instinct

on a mission

Wild horses could not

keep me

from finding

a way

to touch and nurse

my baby

on this

Another Day !

Somehow I pulled

the bag of ICE

weighing fifteen pounds

with needles taped into my hands

and straining I.V. lines hard

until it fell

beneath the bed

and no one heard the sound

For an hour I tried to sit

and exhausted

fell back down

The I.V. poles with wheels

then proved my toughest

navigation

The right one had to

go to the end of the bed and

THEN around the corner

as I struggled to a kneeling

position

defying gravity

and I stumbled from bed

hitting my head

two I.V. poles finaly in front

of me

helping hold me up

even though nurses said

to stay in bed

Sliding down the wall to the door

on my back for support

almost fell coming

out in the hall

People passing in crowds

white coats walking around

like they don't see me

like I'm a ghost

not a one bat an eye

they did nothing to stop me

at all

Maybe heaven is a hospital

after all ? ~

Slid down the hall

one shaking step at a time

in a hospital gown

pushing one pole and

pulling the other

and finally found

Baby Intensive Care

When I fell through the door

two nurses caught me

and said

" We were wondering how long

it would take you !

He's right over here

beneath a light

he wasn't breathing

well at all through the night

but we think he's going to be

alright !

His color is better

and we just knew

you'd come find him

most mother's do ! " ~

Then two days later

in a hospital bed

on maternity floor with me

he ceased to breath

again

and I threw a bedpan

into the hallway

alerting help

God NO !

and they took him away

again . . . . . . . . . . . . .    . . .

. . . . . . . . . . .

The " Croup " killed many babies

back in the day and

almost took him

eighteen months later

No medicine

was helping at first -

only recently was there a cure

Now a toddler in an

oxygen tent

his lips were blue

chest heaving

with every breath

another dance with

almost death . . . . . . .

and then he grew 

well with no problem

for years

old enough to

join the U.S. Army

every mother fears

And when THEY !?!???  attacked

The Pentagon

9/11/2001

he was right next door

on a military base

in lock down

as I watched Horrendous

on my T.V.

terrified !!!!!!

There was no word

for ten long days

whether he was lost

or whether saved

I almost lost him

more than once . . .

I have deepest condolences

and compassion

for those who

did not almost

lose their

sons

and daughters

and brothers and

sisters and husbands and

wives and parents and

neighbors and friends . . .

VIOLENCE DOESN"T GET

MORE DOMESTIC THAN THAT !

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~ et armis

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

The Wind

O parent mine

was there a time

when your past and the present

rushed together for

a second ?

fleeting glimpse of the

future

in my eyes

Did your pain mirror mine ?

Did you know it would carry

an echo through time ?

Was your hope that the wind

of your words

in your conflict

be carried over and

around me

leaving me un-touched ?

Winds of warring souls

screaming for peace

shouting for

compassion

Pride trying to hide

its desperate need for

understanding

Did you feel for a moment

the sting

of your wind ?

rushing back to slap

your face

break your heart

Your wind in

my words

A broken soul screaming

shouting pleading

bleeding

desperately hiding

looking for cover

Make IT STOP

PLEASE stop

Calm the wind

Cease fire

Bury the ammunition

Plant daisies on the

battle line

Why is love only what you make

between battles ?

Why is it not enough

to put the pin back in

the grenade

for all time ?

Did you hear the boomerang

off in the distance

and look up in

confusion

when it closed in and

cut you down ?

Did you see from whence

it came ?

Carried by the wind of your words ~

Did you count the weapons

you gave me

for a war that isn't mine

anyway ?

I'm going A.W.O.L.

12/17/90

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

Just like Doris Day

Long time no see !

It's me

Violet

Domestica Violetta

Vi et armis

armed with a 38

plus 100 IQ

along with

~ more than a body should experience ~

experience

in one lifetime

and wry sense of humor

regarding it all

et AL

Que Serra ~

Serra

Yes, I watched way too many

Rock Hudson and Doris Day

movies

as I struggled to grow up

somehow believing the fantasy

too much

when reality painfully

sucked

So much easier to

think of how it would be

someday

later in life

when emancipated

while Doris and Rock

lived happily ever after

in the end

always

Que Serra

What will be

has been for me

up to now

nothing like Doris and Rock

in the movies

but quite similar to the

real life of Doris Day

Hard to think that

a man would

beat and terrorize

that beautiful woman

Hard to think any man

would beat any

woman

Or that any one

would beat

any one

It is my LEAST favorite

of all that exists in the

World

Violence, that is and

I've experienced plenty

Where I came from

only a scrapper

survives

How could it be that

a scrapper like me

would become a domestic

abuse victim ?

Wouldn't a scrapper fight back ?

First of all, Sherlock

there was violence in my

home

you know

that place where we should

all feel safe

and the attendant emotional

~% "fucking with" %~

a perfect growing medium for

Domestic Violet

While in the little Vi stage

I was at home with a violent

life

growing up to be

at home with

a violent life

which included a well placed

fist

FROM me

sometimes

if necessary ~

like the time my boyfriend

told me when he picked me up

from my job

in my car

that he had been all day drinking with

some other girl

in my car

This he shares

across a table

in my bar

while we had

some beers

and talked about the day

Oh Really - I said

and excused myself

to the ladies room

for a moment

then I calmly exited

sat back down across from him

and punched him squarely

in the face

which knocked him off

his chair

You son of a bitch !

By then

on other occasions

he had already broken two

of my ribs

and punched a hole

the size of a nickel

through my face

so I was not as haunted by guilt

as I might have been

if he had never touched me ~

When I talk about forgiveness

it is mostly toward oneself

for doing the thing you

disagree with

consequently

becoming

what you hate

It takes OWNING it and

STOPPING the shit

freedom from self loathing

To forgive the other party

too often gets mixed up

with forgetting

what they did

Why ?

So they can do it again ?

And what then do

we do with

oneself

when we've

done it again ?

You know,

the self that is ALL

we have complete control of !

if that !!!

One's own conscience

if in good working order

should say to make a

concerted effort to STOP IT

no matter how much

more WRONG

some one else

may be

~ The stupid neither forgive nor forget ~

~ The naive always forgive and forget ~

~ The wise forgive but never forget ~

for to do so would be to

deny

dearly bought

experience

and set oneself up for

further abuse !

I paid dearly for my life

experiences

and dearly for my

naivete

Que Serra

So with the idea that it

was not

for naught

I write

for women like me and

some of us were scrappers

and some of us were not

and some

were

Doris Day . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

The PUBLIC

- Donald Shissler -

Retired Catholic priest

convicted recently

Off to prison for

what's left of his elderly life

Prosecution says he shows no

remorse

a sick, twisted individual who

doesn't think he's done anything wrong

maybe he  thought he was entitled by divine right

3 men he molested

as children

disagree

and the judge called them heroes

for coming forth

At the same time a Los Angeles

archdiocese gave a 660 Million dollar

settlement to 508 VICTIMS

who did not VOLUNTEER

to be victimized

too

The total money so far

paid from the same location

is 764 MILLION DOLLARS

paid from the wealthiest institution

on the planet

money from it's faithful congregation

and one VICTIM claims

no amount of money will

take the pain away

Maybe they should " let it go "

" get over it - walk it off "

instead

like too many VICTIMS are told to do

because we DON"T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

in this world

of heartless heads

If you're of the Catholic persuasion

forgive me, but

like some of my family

who told me growing up

that I was a Public

and doomed to hell

while being Catholic meant you're

going UP

to heaven that is

where the GOOD people go

They sounded so convincing

I believed it for awhile

and ran amuck

with nothing to look

forward to but

fire and brimstone

and punishment for what?

And in the end their leaders

violate children while in a position

of trust - still

I'm a PUBLIC from a public school

without a uniform skirt

no rosary 'round my neck

and not as good as you

you said

from your loftier - than - thou

position

what do you think now?

going UP or going DOWN?

I'm sure glad my children

did not go to school with you

They are PUBLIC, too.

Going UP !

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ###

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

Ideally there would be

Ideally there would be no need

to go on and on about violence

but Violence goes on and on and on

It starts with a larger issue

really it's born of fear which

can't exist where there is faith

faith in something greater than oneself

Who wants anything to do with that?

No one - until they do

Most run around scared to death and don't know it

Most have a heart, but are too afraid to show it

I know from my own journey about the terror most of us hide

I know because I found my own - searching way down deep inside

The seed of fear was planted before I could walk or talk

Violence in the life of the Rose was NORMAL by the time she could read and write

though they didn't  look "the kind"

What kind of people live violent lives?

Every kind from every kind of life

From abject poverty ( where it looks to some like violence might naturally erupt )

to the middle of the middle ( where the Rose came from )

to the upper echelons of financial opulence

a place you would not expect Domestic Violence to be

It proves that economics are no criterion

If anything our MONEY insulates us from the truth

A guy who goes to work every day and comes home to drink and do his drugs,

certainly could not be seen as abusive - certainly, probably not

That's what The Rose's ex-husband thought

after all, he brought a paycheck home, right?

And took money for the drugs right off the top.

He was "not there" emotionally because

no one is when they are under the influence regularly

but that was not abusive because he brought the paycheck, right?

When he further insulted Rose by hitting her, too

with the rationale that "She said something he didn't like"

POOR BABY

(tell it to the Judge)

She tried like all battered people do

to justify and minimize the experience

It's the mind-fuck of Violence that we somehow

have to compartmentalize the experience

in a way that allows us to deal with

what just happened - when we are suddenly struck -

ambushed out of nowhere by one who

claimed to "Love" us

earlier in the day

We usually blame ourselves because they do

especially if we have already been asked

to take responsibility for things which are not ours to take

good little guilt receivers already

and we want to know, most definitely

why we have been assaulted by our significant "other"

( whoever they may be ) that we love so dear?

Each time an assault occurs the story we tell ourselves

intensifies

Although we know we are not responsible for

the actions of "others"

we join them in collusional delusion that "they"

are not responsible

but that somehow the "victim" is

and we stay

when a sane person would have never been there

for the second "hit"

Because Rose was a battered child she was well acquainted with

her person being violated

and was crestfallen when it appeared in her own relationships as an adult

She knew her father was violent and crazy but he was

an exception to the rule, right?

Not everyone had a father like hers

or so she thought !

By the time she was a young adult she had developed a very poor self image

which was reinforced in her "environment"

She was primed for more abuse

and primed to fall further into the delusional collusional that somehow

it was her fault and that somehow she "deserved" it

at least, that was the attacker's alibi

and she was supposed to believe it

and was hit again for saying she disagreed

NO ONE DESERVES THAT

Or did the students at VIRGINIA TECH

say something he didn't like?

Whining fucking coward of a sick fucking baby

even took himself out !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The subtleties of Personal Responsibility include

the idea that no one "makes" anyone do anything

and that action  which you took it upon yourself to do

was your choice and therefore your responsibility

This is why today I neither  "make"

nor take "the make"

Autonomy ( look it up )

Neutrality - neither for nor against

don't try to "make" me choose

My choice is not up to you

because it's my Responsibility

In other words - "NO"

is our perogative as well as yes

I'll let you know !

It's just amazing how many people are just 4 year olds

having a meltdown

trying to get their way

Apparently this Violence thing is escalating

like any good Spiritual Malady will do

It erupted in the life of Snap Dragon last year

as she was being throw across the floor

I stood by her side as

the 'Men' moved his shit out the door

One of them asked the most incredible thing

when the Dragon told him of the violence

"How severe was it?" the dumb-shit asked

as if degrees somehow make it not Violent

For it to be called Domestic Violence it only has to be:

A.  Domestic  adj. 1 devoted to home life, given to the concerns of home

2 domesticated, tame; housebroken  3 native, not foreign or imported

indigenous, home-grown, homemade - n. 4 servant, attendant, household help

maid, cook, butler, houseboy

Ant. 2 wild, ferocious, untamed 3 foreign, imported

. . . and B. Violent adj. 1 Full of force, intense, severe, furious, fierce, raging

2 tempestuous, strong, ferocious, fiery, hot, passionate, hot-headed,

explosive, uncontrollable, ungovernable, unbridled, unruly, savage,

murderous; insane, maniacal, berserk, rampant

3 resulting from the use of force, cruel, brutal

Ant. 1 Mild 2 gentle, calm, composed, collected, cool, quiet

serene, tranquil, unruffled; sane, rational  3 peaceful

**************************************************

Domestic violence begins with rudeness at your table

make it stop if you are able

At another "degree" it is rampant every 4 seconds

as a woman is battered to become a statistic

make it stop if you are willing

At Columbine, Virginia Tech, amped up how many "degrees?"

and the War in Iraq ( God knows people just have to Fight )

Make it stop if you can

Start at your kitchen table

Or are you addicted to the adrenal rush

of chaos and confusion?

and sameness . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

Do you believe in Luck?

I do not!

We are either fortunate or we are not!

And oh

by the way it is just my Violet opinion...

shortly after midnight  - no longer Friday the 13th

but

superstitious types believe it really is a bad luck day!

No, not YOU - I'm so not talking about  you

any more than I'm talking to you!

The YOU "out there" is nothing more than cyberspace.

Who cares?

No one "out there"  gives a hoot

just the up-close and personal possibly?

No specific audience in mind

I write

because I cannot not

   that's what writers do

just like that's what artists do!

YOU (the universal YOU) would have to BE one to know and

If you don't understand you obviously are not

like if you are not an ALCOHOLIC - you don't know

what it is to be one

anymore than you can know what it is to be pregnant

until you are

and no one knows they are wrong until they do

and they were right  - up to that moment

but

some think wrongness is punishable

a crime only THEY are allowed to commit

all others will be juried

and I'm speaking generally to the ALL and the NONE "out there"

about life and relationships in a general sense

as they pertain to the PROBLEM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

which is alive and well.

Every 4 seconds a woman is battered - this from hospital records

and unfortunately accurate statistics

not just MY VIOLET OPINION

it is UNFORTUNATELY my experience

but fortunately I am making a silk purse from a sow's ear

the way I was taught

so it's the facts 

nothin' but the facts

which will exclude any and all "OTHERS" without their express consent . . . actually, I'm excited at the prospect of the challenge to leave out any non-supportive elements in my mission to save as I was saved. It will stretch my writing skills - never a bad thing and

I care every 4 seconds for people I don't even know

and pray they will be freed from their pain

while others justify inflicting it

still

and cover and protect those who

rot from the inside out with their "ICK"

until there is nothing left but collusional mutual caca meirda shit ...

I'm referring to the ENABLERS, and those who have a stilted definition of LOVE

just in case you are wondering WHO am I talking about

if YOU don't happen to fall into that category

then move on if you wish

but If YOU DO identify

then read on - there is more hope than not

But really enablers don't know that they are

because boy if they do 

then they're just MEAN!

How could anyone want someone else to be sick?

or emotionally crippled?

or endlessly immature?

and completely irresponsible?

and unable to enjoy this incredible life?

Who?

I will never understand

and I've had an incredible life

a life extraordinaire

How can I say that after all the abuse?

Easily now that I know how to see it

looking at it with DIFFERENT eyes ...

I could be a woman in Afghanistan, or Iraq

I was born into the richest Country in the WORLD

into the "comforts"

not a slum

into a big beautiful Family - not an ORPHANAGE

not born addicted to drugs

born into polished silver and Education

born into the HEARTLAND of the down home

and a fresh baked pie

born into dresses that buttoned up the back

and frilly white socks in my patent leather shoes

My house was the LAST place you would think to find ABUSE!

Where do you live?

And who ARE you, anyway?

Your comments are always welcomed, because around here there is something called freedom of speech which is fortunately protected by our Constitution.

This is AMERICA!

DOMESTICA VIOLETTA

Semper Vi ~

and I love you a bushel and a peck . . .

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX, baby  !

 

 

 

 

 

Dirty Water

 

Dom Vi here -

I've been harassed by a FREAK on my phone. Just about the time a Violet thinks that life is beautiful, along comes a big, ugly mud-filled boot, and tramples on the FLOWER. Beneath the careless shoe, forgiveness is the fragrance of the VIOLET on the heel of the shoe that crushed it . . .

I think my someone gave him my number - to FUCK with me !!!

Then again, maybe not?

I wish I felt more certain

but those I love have left me hurtin' ~~~

Schadenfreude is alive and well in the world. ABUSE has never died. It has been so bad that I wanted to die. It still had that affect on me a few years ago- but not so much now. The ugliness of my own "significant others" has been STARTLING, especially to others, and eternally for me. And I know they didn't like my violent reaction, too, to whit - in to it - intuit. I have freed myself from the cycle of abuse,  again - OHMmmm . . . . .

- I HAVE FREED MYSELF FROM THE CYCLE OF ABUSE -

only to find it thriving in my on my phone

what heartbreak

to discover

it was

not

about

my lover

was not about

the fact he was a

man who liked to hit

that was never it because

with some people you don't need

any enemies - they're built right in

It was never about HIM when he was just

familiar in disguise

are you surprised ?

They deny all wrong doing

never harmed a hair on my head they said!

I hope the Freak is a random caller 

There really is EVIL in the world, don't kid yourself - it is hard to stay clean in a DIRTY WORLD

The dirt I am referring to is not the good moral fabric I was taught

but is the lack of it!

Just about the time things become gratefully sane in the life of a Violet, some sick __________comes along and throws a big, nasty bucket of DIRTY WATER on the garden. I'm not into REVENGE, if I were there would be a string of flat tires left in my wake. I'm not a tire slasher! I just eventually walk away, or run for my life - and they put themselves on the SLIP 'N SLIDE from HELL - and I watch them do themselves in. And try to forgive them . . . they know not what they do. And if they do know what they do, and get some twisted pleasure from other people's pain ( SCHADENFREUDE ) they are to be PITIED.

Pity would be my least favorite thing

you could feel or think when you look at me

so with great sadness I say the poor little fucker

on my phone

poor - pitiful - pathetic - sick - insecure - fearful - icky

miserable sorry excuse for a person and excessive waste of skin

has a message from the local police on his phone and doesn't want to call here again

and I'm choking on the fetid water

boot prints on my leaves while the trouble with abusive types

is they don't stop when you say PLEASE 

they are broken inside

which is the one thing you can't hide

in a bottle

in your bed

from your people

in your head

with your money

pick a car

when you're crippled inside your dirty water reaches far

YUCK!!!

Domestic Violet still here

keeping my violet head while others are losing theirs

as I pray 12 times  a day that I'm wrong

anytime I think so negatively

I'm hoping I'm wrong

sadly a lot of the time I'm not

so I call it like I see it and still

others will help convince me

if they can

that I'm "too sensitive'

as if they're NOT

(Not being insensitive does not make me TOO sensitive !)

or have I just "taken it wrong"?

I can't be wrong every time can I?

What are the odds?

So it relieves me when

I doubt

to see when

I am mistaken and

"People may doubt what you say

but they will always believe what you do"!

The toughest part of changing your life is that some don't want to let you up

feet held fast to a roaring fire of all your past trangressions

and humanness

as if they have none

forgiveness is not an option

depending on your

personal

definition

and who gives a care

for spiritual transmission

as they stand on your head

to feel taller

but

I don't have to crawl

and now that I have your attention

I'll be continuing to share what I think and how

I got this far

because I can . . .

I'm a SURVIVOR . . . from the VORTEX

SEMPER Vi ~

The New, Old News

 

The news for today is that Sudanese women are routinely assaulted - RAPE is the new weapon for warfare among what I will loosely call MEN. Seldom is the word RAPE used in association with female perpetrators. Fighting, fucking bastards are sinking to an all-time new low. I'm not feeling particularly magnanimous after reading this news bit, and I promised at the end of the last entry that I was coming back with a vengeance, so here it is folks. And by the way, thank you for looking me up today. I believe in giving credit where it is due, and also that a little bit of encouragement goes a long way as well as common courtesy being the "lubricant of life";  a well-used phrase by my grandfather, who insisted upon it in our family.

Along with many other simple ideas that work for me today, is the right we all have to be unharmed, to exist in a non-threatening environment. I do not admire, above all things, COWARDICE. A supreme coward picks on, and perpetrates violence toward an unarmed, unaware, and non-worthy opponent. Sadly the same violence that I have experienced, and that which others have endured, is begetting itself in the pit of my stomach right now. But only for a moment, and then . . .

I pray

Vi et armis

The injustice suffered by the SUDANESE women is

unfortunately UNIVERSAL

makes me angry AT it!!!!!!!!!!!

 

See what I mean? I react violently to violence. More than anything, I am experiencing my powerlessness completely. There is not much I can do, but I will do what I can do about it. If it spares one life from being wasted in the cycle of violence, I will continue to quietly tell my story. Let those who can hear, do so. I don't say that all violence victims are women, so don't go thinking I'm just some strident Bitch who hates all men. If you are looking for that, fuhget about it. I am the sister of a brother who has my utmost respect, and the mother of three young men who I have no problem with on any level. In fact, my sons are anomalies, like their sister. They are non-abusive and have some manners as well. I have been shored up by my youngest son, who once said to me, "MOM, about the men bashing - we're MEN!" I was stopped in my tracks by this, forced to re-think what I had said.

I believe it's real important to "say what you mean, and mean what you say," so I looked within and discovered that I really meant to express my confusion, and disillusionment, and pain - that just pointing to how the men were all jacked up was not enough, or rather, incongruous with my feelings and therefore, inaccurate. So, I stopped doing that and got honest instead. My children do not know the full extent of my experiences with violent people. They were not present for most of it. They were not there when I was growing up with a volatile, violent father. They did not see the war zone my family lived in, and they only hear stories of the physical altercations that extended way too far into our adulthood. They have seen some of the results of domestic dispute I've had with the men in my life, the broken body parts, but rarely have been present during an altercation.

The lengths I went to in an effort to protect them were many, requiring great courage, and a lot of work, and at times produced great mis-understanding.

A turning point in my life was shortly before "the last time I will be hit by a man in my life or he will die," a moment of clarity for me when my then older teenage middle son, ( not a little boy anymore who could not do anything about his mother being abused ), offered to drive to my door and "hit the guy with a desk Mom!"

This gave me pause to understand that a confrontation between my son and "the guy" would result in further violence, and I was having none of that for my son's sake, and I realized it would not be O.K. for my daughter to be living the way I was, as well , and I have not been hit by a man since.

Enough is enough, and I have had enough. I was extremely fortunate, and am extremely grateful that I was granted one more opportunity to decide to make a decision to change to course of the rest of my life. Not all abuse victims have been so fortunate. The usual outcome is that some level of tragedy becomes their fate, if nothing more than the perpetuation of this horror handed to the next generation. The shit stops here, in my family, with my children, whose mother did her very best to somehow find another way - always has and always will.

So, the War-mongers are picking on the weaker ones, eh? That is the same as it ever was, the same thing I saw in my parents marriage, in my neighborhood, and schools, and my own relationships. I say relationships to cover a broader spectrum, to point to violence in a general way. As I mentioned in The Domestication of Violet, some of my relationships with women have been very tumultuous, too. My environment was filled with a stable instability as I was growing up; the one thing I could count on was more fighting on some level, on a daily basis - even after the chief perpetrator, my father, was gone from the picture. He was not yet gone from the planet, just not at home most of the time - more about that later.

Anyway you cut it, violence is violence. If it is a sibling terrorizing another sibling, it is no less than violent. As the first child in line to be beat up by the Dad, I naturally passed this on to the next child, although I was soundly reprimanded for hitting, which was very confusing when I was being hit for hitting by the people who hit.

I had no other skills for dealing with personal relationships, as I was modeling the behavior displayed in front of me by the parental units who hit to deal with each other and us. The idea that I somehow should have been able to do differently, that I should have known better, is preposterous. I was a child, too. I was not born an adult with options. So, the punishment for violence was violence. A tight little, immediate circle it becomes. Other methods for dealing with one's frustration and anger were not provided, or demonstrated, or taught; they had to be sought. They cannot be bought. Neither can I. The best and worst have tried. They would like it if I lied. But I cannot.

Really,

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi  #%*&@?

Survivor . . . From the VORTEX

More On The Domestication of Violet

The proper place for matrimony is located in the lives of relatively few pairs of men and women. Some folks just know how to do this, and do it well. Their lives are bright and shiny, with no trauma drama. Their commentary is on a higher plane, and their children learn the same. The grace and style I find in the life of my married daughter is a thing to behold. I have not experienced anything like it, and perhaps it is not in my deck of cards, or maybe in another life I will know.

The odds of my daughter growing up to be a happily married, not-abused woman, were slim to none. An anomaly. More often than not, the children of abused women grow up to be abused or abusive, perpetuating this horror. Perhaps she is the result of the constant quest for another way. I always knew there was something wrong with the picture painted for me of domestic bliss, that other people must know how it's done.

I would find in my seeking an incredible resistance to change - in my family, my friends, my community, my state, my country, the world at large, and within myself.

There were at least a few good examples along the way, and a myriad of support when this student ( Wild child Violet ) was ready. Many teachers appeared sharing a more enlightened view. My daughter has been one of my greatest teachers, as one of the finest examples of unconditional love I have ever experienced, along with her three brothers. There was nothing unconditional about love as I knew it, as a child, as a wife, as a sibling. The primary condition to be loved as little Vi was compliance. Or else. Fear is a great motivator, with survival at it's heels.

Turned inside out with threat of annihilation and abandonment, I was groomed by abuse to take more of it.

As violence begat itself, I reacted to it violently. Imagine that. If you have been spared your person being violated, imagine is all you can do. In that case, this may all be Greek to you. The reality of my life has been just  a bunch of words to other people, but fortunately or unfortunately, not all people. Some are able to empathize, some are survivors, also. Some are classic idiot material types who can only blame the victim in typical dunder-head fashion,( you know the ones - they think if you get raped, it is somehow your fault; like your skirt was too short or something ) on auto-pilot, never seeing anything from a new perspective, like it's their life's work to remain in ever-lasting ignorance. It's called contempt prior to investigation - a condition most folks live in.

I know, I lived there, and sometimes with another black eye to ponder. Today I am not a battered woman, finally beaten to a point of reasonableness. I only created the same as I saw, without deciding to do so.

The stamp in the clay was deep, and dark, and painful. A pain so great I could only disguise it, and deny it, and medicate it, and disassociate from it. For many years, my mantra was - There is no PAIN, there IS no pain, there is NO pain. And I pushed it away. Pushed it like I knew how. Pushed like I had been pushed, into a corner with no way out. Many, too many times I thought death would be the only way out. A sad thing for a child to think like that., and grow up pondering this repeatedly.

The first evidence of my course of self-destruct was the idea that my parents would stop fighting if I was not. If I did not exist. This underlying theme quietly continued as I grew, outside my level of awareness. It was intensified by the dismal future I faced as a woman. Women were not valued, cherished, respected, or genuinely loved from where I was standing. They were condescended to, controlled, criticized, and chained to their role by men, and sometimes even by other women, who do nothing for the case of civil liberties with all their eye-batting bullshit."

"OOOPs, I'm waxing Dom Vi-ish so I'll sign off for now, and return soon."

Stayed tuned for the rest of The Domestication of Violet

Really,

Vi Vi

Survivor . . . FROM THE VORTEX