Domestic Violet

The Veteran's wife . . .

 

. . . silenced

soul

cannot get a hold

no words to equal

safety

stoled

the glaze over years

hideous fears

like the memory

covered his eyes

as Viet Nam

lied

giving enemy

for no good reason

to innocent lives

the killing machine

materialized

with vengeance

upon me

another

not guilty . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

From the middle . . .

of a moment

all centered-up

and squeaky clean

chores done and good vegetables eaten

bliss in the evening stillness

as the memory once again

flashes back to

touch

without permission and steals my

peace

I see the stars

I saw then

when his hands

touched me

without love in them

ripping my face from its place

as white hot lights

exploded

in my eyes

to never see the same again

and he was the

last one

and then memory shifts and I'm in

the vivid pink scoop neck long-sleeved 

borrowed for the special occasion (jeez)

of getting out for a night after several months at home

with a new baby

dress

with its length protecting me from

only some

sidewalk rash

as he drags me

by my hair

and sparks fly from

my cigarette

burning the early 70's knit loaner (oh boy jeez !)

and jewelry rolls to

the gutter

with four hours of salon

up-do

undone

in a jealous minute

and he was the first

and I'm filled with

horror

at what happened in the middle

welling up with

sorrow

where peace was

a moment ago

and then I feel it

leave

as quickly

unable any longer to

capture me . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the vORTEX

The characteristics . . .

common to

the Men I've loved and

married   (and some I never wed)

included the intriguing mix of

Innocence and Bad Boy -

Arrogant and

Cocky

they were for sure

and of course they were silver tongued devils

through and through

and the only one who didn't hit me   (a man I finally trusted!)

hurt me even worse

revealing unacceptable sexual perping (eek and sick ick!!)

shortly and not until after

we wed

and I divorced him

immediately

but the others

I put more

TIME IN

with

and suffered

at their hands

Emotionally

Spiritually

Physically

and we ALL say

"the physical goes away"

but

I live with a broken

body

today

and the emotional

toll

goes without saying

a silence

only known

by those

who have survived

Domestic Violence

and violence comes in many forms

but some of us

have been

fortunate

enough to

find a path of healing

along the way

and some folks

want to know

how/why

Domestic Vi

was hit more than once

by more than one

guy -

WHY ?

Cuz it's all the same guy I kept picking!!!!!

HOW ?

Cuz I never stopped

trying -

never stopped

getting back up

when I got

knocked

down

so that's

how come

there's more than

ONE!!!!!!!!!!!

And just to add some

juice

to the story

they were similarly blessed

with Stingeyness -

Emotionally

Spiritually

Physically giving

mostly Lust and their

Aggression ( POW POW Slap Smack ! )

and Financially

for sure

there are no more

Selfish

in the world

and Friendly (as in the wind at my back)

they weren't

so much

treating ALL others more kindly 

(family friends neighbors and co-workers)

even strangers were treated

more well than

me

and they were all in love with themselves and

their T.V.'s

and their much needed entourage of

enablers

and their beers

while some of the alleged support system

surrounding me then

blamed me and sided with

them

turning a blind eye to their behavior

and left me behind to

die

and one even promptly took me

back to the scene of the crime

when I went for

help

but

thank God/Goddess

for

those who

helped me pack and

took me and the children

home

and as far as the children go

not one of their FATHERS

supported them

well

and can go straight to

hell

for depriving their

children

and for not making it

even a little bit

easier

for me to parent them

ALONE

when I HAD TO

because of their

SHIT

characteristics

that did not co-incide

with

my own!

And all this

STINGEY-ness

and the need to be free from

abuse

created the need for

PUBLIC ASSISTANCE

so WELFARE MOM

was a title

relegated to me

 

and don't fucking tell me

that I got to CHOOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you stupid or

obtuse?

Or does Mathematics

elude you?

Sorry -

what I didn't

CHOOSE

was

disrespect

neglect and

abuse

and I also didn't choose to

farm out my children to some

babysitter

24/7

and work the    3-4 JOBS

it would have taken

since NONE of the so-called MEN

would take care of

their own!

I preferred to hear

the baby's first words

every baby

every word

and today I prefer

that which is not

stingy cocky arrogant selfish unfriendly BAD or boy

by way of

characteristics in a MAN

and today if I LOVE YOU

I still give all that I can

but have nothing for

that particular type of

person

much less

ALL THE SAME  type of guy

with their Stingey lack of

help

with children they CO- CREATED

and the EXTREME stress of

Government POVERTY level Subsistence

inspired me in part

to send my sons when they were 9 and 12 and 13

hardly babies -

to live with their Dad and his new childless wife -

a GIFT of responsibility

I DID NOT 

HAVE TO

give

to anyone involved -

and these two were both free to

build their nest egg

unencumbered

for a decade

prior to that -

WHY?

Because I was home

with four children alone

on the WELFARE rolls

which did not seem to

bother

ANY of the ABOVE!!!!!

The DAD would not even cough it up for Day Care

so I COULD go to work!!!

And even after magnanimously sharing

the gift of parenting

the pair of

potential pensioners

unkindly and UNnecessarily went after me for

CHILD SUPPORT

which I paid by the way

for years

well AFTER the kid's were grown up and gone!!!

( Wonder WHY I'm single ????? )

The other day I heard through

the vine

down the line

that pensions have been suspended

due to the National ECONOMIC CRUNCH

at the unkind pair's

place of employ!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyone surprised?

Not I !!!!!!!

And Daisy Dukesup

laughed til she cried

and Sarcastica  said -

"serves 'em right"!!!

But it actually touched the heart of

wise Grama Vi

just for a moment

and Mom Vi had an epiphany too -

that I was the fortunate one who got to

give nurturing one on one

for YEARS

to my beautiful babies and did not sell out

to CORPORATE America's lure

of retirement income 401K stuff

that obviously is NOT THERE NOW and probably won't be henceforth

for TOO many AMERICANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Talk about a rip-off !!!!!!!!

I am not one

who has so much to lose -

not when I

was punished

with poverty

by some NO real good other  CHOICES

all along!!!

Yes Grannie's got her Skecher's on

and playing hardball

now!!!

(see next post if ya did/didn't like this one!)

Domestic Violet

who only regrets not getting a REALLY GOOD Lawyer back then . . .

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

Rough tough . . .

hard to diaper

types

must hate themselves

extensively

to damage fellow humans

and to put their special brand of pain

upon hearts and minds

like it's their job or something -

and it is proved in

the excuses

they use -

the rationale

from hell

that motivates

the sell

to their much needed

entourage -

the bill of goods

you must buy

to be

IN

their group -

where you want to be don't you ?

Aren't you safer

there ?

Where you won't get

left out

talked about

and the evil

stare !

But

BEWARE don't ever think they

care

and what are you going to do

when you discover

they lied to

you ???

You will need

a real friend

to pull you from under the bus

and I guarantee

it is bound to happen

if you keep showing up

and you will have

compromised

your moral fiber

extensively

by then

as you work hard to

never be tagged

IT

where it's even worse with

family than friends

cuz with kin

if no one is special

then they all must be a

piece of shit !!!

Right ???

That's the long and short of it

and you get to

pick

but

remember

they have already

chosen and

what they fight-

what they reject -

what they bond together in

mutual hatred of

is

themselves

and the scapegoated one

knows all about it and must be kept

OUT -

and when it all comes

down

you won't have a clue

after they've ______ you

without a kiss

and you'll not understand what you've

gotten into

and never

will you know your

sin

when all you did was

marry in . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

How we listen . . .

is everything in

communication -

and my favorite are those folks who

hear the words

with some strange filter going on -

" I am cold "

I said at a restaurant long ago and of course

the MAN with me

immediately went from

zero to 60 -

believing erroneously

it was his job to  " fix it " or something

as I was about to mention getting my sweater from the car

but before I had a chance to

and when he could not

find a way to  " end my problem "  in a

second

or two -

and of course he was annoyed at  " having to " -

his next move was to

bail out -

" . . . we can LEAVE ! " - he announced

and boy now THERE'S a brilliant conclusion and

solution

I was thinkin'

but

I could not see how my

statement ( that required no comment

or perhaps " OH " might have been

appropriate

and/or maybe a big hug might have

warmed me up !?)

but I did not/do not know how being cold

and saying so

required changing plans and

going home -

which we finally had to do

cuz it turned into

the biggest fight

you ever/never

saw

and years later

he still is the same with

a different wife to

listen to . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

When I chose . . .

to take the children and

go - ( the most dangerous moment for a battered woman )

go it alone because I was anyway -

when three of the four were

very small -

I took them to protect them

so they would never know -

never have to see it

all

and the VIOLENCE

would not be in their

memory

hopefully

but

with this choice there is

absence of the

reality

of that which they did not see -

did not

witness

and it amounts

now

to just

some words I try to say

which fail

miserably

to convey

what was going on

when they were babies -

new and 2 and 3 -

and I kept from them all along

and

for so long -

the truth -

and because I protected the abuser

first -

so greatly was fear and despair instilled in me

that I have taken all the heat for being

the only one who was

wrong 

according to his crew of

enablers

while he lives in a fantasy regarding his part

and perpetrates this story among his family and

contemporaries -

and he even managed to gain the allegiance

of some who share my blood -

folks who have different ideas of loyalty and

love -

a group who were not there when he

beat the shit out of

pregnant me . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

Jealousy . . .

the root

of all evil -

" the ugliest emotion " - the goofball told me 

early in our relationship or whatever that

was -

and then he set out to

prove it

by attempting to

evoke it -

provoke it in me

but

insisting that it was deal-breakingly

unacceptable

when it was HIS shortcoming

in the first place

and he became so frustrated

when he could not

get the job done

that he beat the shit out of me

and he tried to take away EVERYTHING

I brought to the party

using his jealousy tool

to rule

and I believe only a mentally ill  conscience-less monster

won't give back blankets I made for

my babies -

which he obviously has stolen because

why would I give them to him ?

And I even had a tug-of-war over a whiskey bottle

with the goofball

but of course

I let the Big Baby

have it

and by then he had made me fear him -

breaking my bones and

self-esteem and

spirit

so I have to

agree with its  non-beautiful

status

when

 jealousy 

is the mierde con ca-ca

smegma - filled

smarmiest

grossest

grotesque

display of lack of

humanity -

illustrated well in the

sour

expression

some folks have worn

in response to my

latest acquisition

or windfall -

new pair of shoes

or the "A" in pursuit of

degree -

whatever good thing happened to me

and some really jealous sick and sad ones

told me I was

no one -

nothing -

and that my friends were even

less -

bu they not-so-secretly  ( truth serum alcohol )

want what I have ? ? ?  ??         and I am

perplexed on a level -

confused by this and

not understanding -

when for me

 jealousy

is not a state of being that I experience

much -

for example I may like your

shoes

but I do not begrudge you having them -

rather finding beauty in your choice of

footwear

and as I am no longer in the outcome

business

I can accept when a philandering male roving eye means

I am not the ONE

and will promptly

let go of him -

and if I ever thought perhaps it might be nice

to have the kind of money that

some folks do -

I assure you that the state of the NATION

makes me glad I know how to

make do -

so jealousy

is not at the top of

my character defect

list -

not found as being

key

or especially problematic

in   " the work "

of my personal inventory

so I never  " GET IT "

when others are not happy

for me

as I am for them -

believing as I do

that when things  " get  Good  "

for one

then things get better for

EVERYONE -

and that we should all

rejoice

at the improvement in the

quality

of all lives

all around us

but

instead oft-times some folks are petty and small -

begrudging one another what is 

inherently

inalienably

the right of ALL PERSONS

and with this we

shut off

the higher vibratory flow of LOVE

and EVERYTHING is nothing but ENERGY in motion

so shutting down and

cutting off the flow of GOOD

on its way

to

each one of us

is

sin -

and it is the lower vibration

we get to

CHOOSE to live in -

or not -

where bitterness

suspicion

anger and resentment

unwillingness and

 jealousy

reside -

we each get to pick a

side -

and for me

 jealousy

is a strange and

rare ocurrance -

for it would imply

that I want

YOURS -

instead of mine -

whatever IT is -

when in fact

unless you have a really healthy happy family life

or you walk in the sun every day

with your toes in the

sand -

no one

has

anything that I

covet -

happy with mine and wanting more of it -

to pass around

as in

sharing -

so for me

 jealousy

is a stomach-turning

vision

and sadly the eyes really do

tell

everything

and it's even more

sickening to see

the endless misery

created

from further action taken

by those afflicted with

low

life vibes

who believe erroneously that others want

what they have

because that's where

THEY are coming from -

a sub-par vibrational

swampland

where

ghastly creatures roam and

 jealousy

is the worst by far -

not found on the best-dressed list -

and I am all for

beauty

and gravitate where it is found -

and I'm more interested in

the eye of the beholder

than anyone who sees always what is

wrong ~

" Good job  . . .  and I'm so proud of you " . . . . .  -

a sincere " CONGRATULATIONS " some years ago

from me

was met with

a shake of a haughty head

'NO'

and I realized how genuinely the haughty head  had never been

happy for me

for any reason

for all of life

and glazed over with

arrogance and

denial

haughty head could not

receive

sincerity

from me

and it was so

ugly

I had to

go . . .

again and again

and

again

finally . . .

it hurts my eyes when

 jealousy

is suddenly

sadly still yet once again

displayed in front of me

and I have to

look

away

and it is so heartbreaking

I don't know what

to say

but

the goofball was

right

sometimes

and told me

I would understand

later in life

his brutality -

and now that I do

it may make sense to you

why

the goofball 

was in my life . . .

( he is the   

" last man who will ever hit me

cuz the next one will die " 

guy !!!!! )

Every SURVIVOR

has one . . . . . . . . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wild children . . .

are made -

NOT BORN !!!

There is a formula and rules and

lists of

what must be done

to send a possibly contented child

over the side - to fly

in/out/in

open

REBELLION

and witnessing DOMESTIC VIOLENCE is surely one item

but

not the first in the line up -

not when

physical violence

may not necessarily be part of

every rebel's story !

Ask around !!!!

It is usually present

however -

along with drunk and disorderly somewhere in the

background and

the emotional whippings that

send children to the

streets -

" cuz it beats what is going on

at home " - D.V.

A hellish place

some days -

each choice -

the lesser of two evils at the time

and Wild children

finally

decide

to go -

without permission -

OUTSIDE -

where they face

the hard stuff life can be

and can deal

depending on how well YOU have prepared them to

live without you !!! ( YOUR JOB as a parent ! )

But what helicopter hovering smothering parents cannot

comprehend

is that the soon-to-be

REBEL

would have  perhaps "done it right" -

( children REALLY are eager to please

especially if they securely know you are in REALLY in charge

and that they are loved and are given the opportunity to make mistakes

and learn from them and grow

etc. ) -

so they might have been at home before

midnight

and told every boy

"NO"

a lot longer -

if given a

choice -

a vote -

if trust were issued along confidence -

first -

instead of every waking moment

being about having to

prove . . .

" FUCK that " - said little girl Violet

and went OUTside

and was never

controllable

again -

not finding the value in

cooperation

until much much later in life

and you can make a

REBEL 

happen

and if you want to

add

to what I just told you

then make sure

EVERY DAY

to unnecessarily criticize ( cuz you are so perfect ya know ! ) your child

in some way and

yell

yeLL

YELL

real loudly all the ____ ing time

and you could possibly

create a Wild Child

like me

too -

it's up to you -

but after the monster is

unleashed

please don't look around wondering what happened

and remember

I gave you the formula and YOU GET TO CHOOSE

and oh one more thing -

be sure to never have a good thing to say

about anything your child tries to do  -

or better yet completely cripple them

by doing everything  for them

and this will insure they never live up to

your already perhaps incredibly unreasonable ???

expectations -

and if your child is female I guarantee this prescription will

subject her to

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE -

think about it - just a 

suggestion . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

Addiction to . . .

VICTIMHOOD !

What a concept !

One worth exploring - so let's !

Is it not true that true victims exist or

does everyone

VOLUNTEER ?

When you are walking down the street -

jumped from behind and

dragged off to be violated

have you somehow signed-up for this trauma ?

Of course not - we reply with our logical mind !

When you're trying to build a life with a guy

who shocks you by blackening your eye - did you VOLUNTEER ?

( you didn't know he was soooo immature ! )

When you are surprised again - after "getting away"

by your now ex-husband ( who broke "the deal" with his fists )

who beats and rapes you in the car in front of your home

while your child/children are asleep inside -

did you ask for this atrocity or were you

victimized ?

I guess it would depend on who YOU are

(the self-appointed judge apparently)

and how much you (the judgey judge) LIKE  HIM -

as in whose side you have picked in a deal

that is none of your business !

If you grow up in 

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

with an explosive abusive father

did you VOLUNTEER for that too ?

When your health breaks down completely 

because of ALL THIS SHIT

and you're out of money -

are you once again responsible for the Is/Is ?

When you go to great lengths to turn your life around

requiring CHOICES of PRO-ACTIVITY - such as

stopping drinking - staying out of abusive relationships

where you were victimized routinely  because you were trying to

simply live and make the NEXT attempt at DOMESTICITY work -

and kept picking the same NOT NICE MEN to do this with -

then later when things that amount to normal life occur again

are you still in VICTIMHOOD or has no one let you  "move on"

in their synopsis (judgment) of your situation ?

By all means let those without sin cast the first stones !!!!!!!

These are questions worth looking into and if you embark to

CHANGE YOUR LIFE I know for sure you will be eventually

asking these questions too !

From where I'm standing it has become easier for some

to continue scrutinizing and throwing this LABEL on

every convenient situation that arises with "one"  who

has in the past been stuck no doubt in a VICTIM Mentality -

as a result of REPEATED VICTIMIZATION -

PRIOR TO EXAMINING the mechanics therein and attempting to correct the

faulty thinking ( like how scorpions are not cute little frogs in reality !)

which led up to being abused repeatedly !

It is not possible to change the perspective of others

however -

those who insist and persist with the idea that

the "one" in question should

HAVE NO PROBLEMS  now and forevermore and

IF/WHEN THEY DO

it is AUTOMATICALLY

"ones" fault ! ( And therefore further judgment

and punishment is issued

from those arrogant enough to believe it is their job ! )

In short THEY have got it all "sewn up" ( to take the focus OFF them )

to then justify WHY they have the right to sling mud in your eye - 

( like the ABUSERS they have DEFENDED !!! )

The  "one''  found guilty of having STAYED

with an ABUSER too long once upon a time

will hence always and forever

be pigeon-holed in the ADDICTED TO VICTIMHOOD role !!!

( according to the faultless perfect beyond reproach judges who are so sure

that THEIR life circumstance is NORMAL and measure themselves

with a DIFFERENT set of rules ! )

SO WHO has taken the VICTIM stance really

in all this ???????????????????      Hmmmmmm ?

LOOKS LIKE SICKENING CO-DEPENDENCY -

where the judge becomes addicted

to the so-called addiction of the VICTIM to VICTIMHOOD

as a tool to compare themselves and feel better than they are !!!!!!

It is almost like the penalty for trying to change your life

is so severe that you may be better off STAYING in your sick situation -

taking the beatings and keeping on drinking away the pain

because no matter what there is gonna be this bullshit

ANYWAY !!!

I know I keep telling all the battered women to LEAVE

but please know before you go that

THIS is possibly your lot - so if you still want to live and

not die from another episode of DOMESTIC VIOLENCE -

then pack your bags and go ahead and call the cops

and if you have children involved you will need

a really good Lawyer -

because by the time you make that call

you will be so shell-shocked that you will need some advocacy

or end up a single mother

with no APPROPRIATE child support at all !

And then you may be surrounded by folks who insist it's

all your fault !

I'm just sayin' . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

SURVIVING anyway against all odds OMG . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX . . .

like a prisoner

of WAR -

lives on

after many obstacles

overcome

and Death

often near

was just

one ~

When the short 

life

flashed before

my teenage eyes

at the bottom of the

pond

I stared

suspended

paralyzed

unable to reach the light

at the surface of

Mississippi River mud

after going down

the third time

as frantic friends

dove to find me

and with a flair  

the rescuer

defied death

dragging me up

by a fistful of

my hair

for air and I

puked water for three days and

went back to the river

a week later

because I knew

if I did not return to the water

I would never swim

again ~

WE NEVER KNOW

WHAT WE'LL DO

until

WE'RE

THERE !!!!!! 

Survivors of near - death

in any manner

do not see

LIFE

in the same way

ever

after

and especially if

dancing with death

happens

again

like when

freezing

alive

in the ditch

while driving home

from a night of

sweaty dancing

in strappy

shoes

and summer - weight

evening apparel in

January's Mid-western

brutality -

too excited to remember a coat

when stepping  out

for an evening of

fun in '75 -

so when we slid off

the road in the middle of

nowhere

at 2 a.m. on our way home

my companions had no choice but

to leave me

there

and go for help

and I'm

here

to tell you that

when you stop shaking

you just go to sleep

when freezing to death in

a Volkswagon Beetle

back seat -

there's no feeling at all

no cold       no pain          no

nothing

as consciousness leaves -

even eyeballs won't move

at the end and

the last thought was of

those who may grieve

and of my little daughter

and I woke with a slow

and painful startle

thawing

in between the warm bodies

of my friends

who came back with help

in the nick of time

and we went down the same road

after dancing

a week later

but a parka and winter boots were with me

on the Volkswagon floor ~

The next time

death

would hug my neck

I gave life to my

first son -

see post: ALMOST

in La Familia category

to get the rest of the story

of again feeling life

leaving

and the

thought of those left grieving

and happily my Husband was spared

the loss of his baby boy and his wife

that day

and I

went on give life to another son

15 months later ~

These are but a few of

my interviews with

the Grim Reaper

and too frequently on the

list

are the times a Man was

trying to take my life

from me

with his fists ~

If the shelter of

your existence

has not included

near - death

yet

you cannot know what

is meant

by

SURVIVOR . . .

from the VORTEX

Semper Vi ~

Domestic Violet

 

 

 

Men . . .

sometimes . . .

are in love

with their

title -

MAN

and all it means to them

when

perhaps if a Man wants to

know what a REAL Man is

he could ask ME or

some other Woman ~

Some Men

are even more enamored with

the head of their sperm-producing

apparatus or

" Papa Smurf's " or

" Willie " or 

whatever name they affectionately assign to

the most important thing

about them - ( they think )

and they never think they

stink !!!

How could it be ???

No - not when one is so

inherently superior as

HE ~

His fellow Men

have bolstered his Chauvinist

position

with kudos and accolades

for the conquest of

WOMEN

who are met with disdain -

showing up for the

game

paid for with chips

of their

reputation ~

One of the only Men

I've ever met

who truly likes WOMEN

is GAY and says he

Loves and respects Women too much to

Fuck 'em

and really is so

in Awe of US that

he secretly ?   wants to

be one ~

You'll never get a strait Man to

admit such a notion

but I suspect that

most of them

have harbored such

emotion

producing fear and loathing

so powerful

it makes them

need to

find

seek   

hunt

one of US

to gain Mastery

over -

to assuage the

self-hatred felt

with the awareness

of their need

and reverence for

US ~

Some Hunters have

transferred their

loathe of self onto

US

and look for victims

to endanger ~

Their socio-sadistic

ways

are familiar and within my

experience are things I can never say -

things which will never appear here ~

Other Hunters have a trophy

collection -

notches in the bedpost

kind of need -

to spread their indiscriminate

seed

competing with the brethren

who all think this all

makes them MEN ~

One Hunter I met

recently

( and I get all the crazies !)

needed to attempt to

conquer ME

and brought to the party

a long history

including some years of

incarceration

for theft of a former girlfriend's

MAIL

from the Post Office

while he was employed

there !

He is so nosey !

He failed to mention

his track record

M.O.

habitual reputation -

30 years in the making

for stalking

harassing and

abusing WOMEN !

So

upon discovery of

this most important

personal information

I was on a mission

to get RID of

HIM

and did so quite easily

by simply being ME ~

My response to gifts

left at my door

uninvited

was to ask how he came to know

my location

when

I did not yet have

sufficient data

to offer my

address

after only one week of

" getting to know him " !!!

He replied -

" the telephone book and

it's public information ! " -

as if that justifies his invasion of

my space

and then mentioned my lack of

grace

for not appreciating his

ribbon tied

gifts

and how it was for

HIM

a slap in the face !

But never did he

" get "

that I had a right to not

appreciate

HIM coming to my home

without ME issuing an invitation ~

A Flower Girl friend

suggested I call POLICE

right then and there

but I waited to give benefit to

doubt and to see what

HE was all about ~

Within two weeks time

HE attempted to cross many

lines

using many lines to get the job done

revealing HIS true nature

as he counted my

marriages

wanting to know details

like the height and weight of

my former Men

comparing his shorter Man complex

to them -

all while dialing my phone

too many times a day

with nothing but " nunya " questions

or complaints to say !

What he calls " statements of fact "

are referred to as

BITCHING

when a girl does that

and he really flipped out

when I " stated "

with clarity

my observations of HIS

negativity ~

It is negative

to be told that

I'm too old

if I don't want to run

crazy

all about town with HiM

and not get my work done

as he drinks and drives around -

especially negative when HE is

a few years my senior

and perhaps should

know better by now -

and especially negatively

HE began his sentences with

" I WANT  . . . "

like a four year old

with no capacity for

delayed immediate gratification

and revealed HIS own

deceitful tendency

by saying HE did not

believe

I haven't been with a Man

in over 3 years and

for 3 years before that ~

*** It is a liar who thinks I'm

lying when I tell them the

truth

and a thief who thinks I'll

rip them off

because that's what THEY do -

the THOUGHT comes from within ***

I " stated " to him ~

When I was finally

done

HE had knocked on my window

at 7 a.m.

while I instinctively reached for

a weapon 

not awake yet

and I went to the door

and said from my

heart

what I thought of HIM

and his incessant control

issues

and constant boundary

breaching -

no teaching new tricks to some

old dogs ! ~

A few days later HE

called to

" BREAK UP WITH ME !!!! "

and it was Cosmic Comic relief

when I never said

anything about

exclusivity

and I let it be known

that a BOYFRIEND

was not maybe

what I was looking for

but

if a good companion

were around I

would promptly let HIM know

and so

I took the " NEWS "

neutrally and agreed it was probably best

laughing hysterically after we

said GooD-BYE

on the phone ( chicken shit ! ) ~

Apparently nothing

has changed

since

the years  HE spent

without Liberty

in the Department of

Corrections

for the accumulative

habitual actions

of a controlling

insecure Man

against

WOMEN !!!!!!!!

Meanwhile HE will just move on

to HIS next VICTIM

or one with an invisible sign

saying  " PICK me - Pick Me " !!!!!!! -

volunteering

as the case may be !

And now I remember

why

I

stay at home

alone

and like my own

company

so much . . . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I got away . . .

. . .  from a lunatic

once

twice

three times

No -

countless times ~

Once I was taken for two days by

a stranger!!!

Stranger in the "took me home from bar"

Mr. Goodbar sense and

I didn't know whether I would survive

the next 48 hours -

barely can recall details -

occasionally blessed but not often enough

with rare unclear memories ~

I just know I was there with someone I didn't know

and wanted to go home but was

not allowed

until the perp grew tired of de-humanizing me

and I must have said the right thing

and was finally

   released ~

There are freaks everywhere

looking for naive types like me -

like I was until I was not

anymore ~

So do you think I should count my blessings and

just shut the door -

put it behind

with everything else ?

I disagree and

I can

I'm quite free to

and free to heal up

thanks much !

Maybe YOUR life is insignificant enough to

run away from but

mine is not -

ask my children if it is important or not !

I don't walk through the world with a

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SURVIVOR

banner 'cross my chest -

I keep it in my pocket and

pull it out when and if it is appropriate

and especially if it will benefit someone else

you know - the other battered women who

don't know about recovery yet

who may or may not survive DOMESTIC ABUSE

but

it is part of who I am - but not all -

and I found too many men willing to do damage

to me as a Woman

whether "married" to them or not !

The stage was set early in life

and you have to admit that if

I was abused more than one time by

more than one individual

then it means

I never stopped trying

to trust . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Touch of truth . . .

and . . . I touched them

too

the ones who

roughed me up

and there's not

another

like me anywhere

you would all agree

I'm sure

and especially If

you were one of my husbands

I know I touched you

much

long after you

rewarded me with a hit

to my face

the one you claimed to

love

wiping the smile from it

the one you claimed to cherish

and somewhere I'm still

smiling

behind your mind's

mind's eye

and you'll forever miss

me

Uh Huh !

and here's why:

I gave my ALL and

Everything

so you could have a

better day

I wanted little

so you gave even less

and I sacrificed endlessly

so you could have the best ~

new court shoes

each and every six months -

a new pair for me every five years

while I wore your

jeans -

and a back rub countless times

when you didn't care that MINE

hurt

from slaving over the washer/dryer

with 6 dozen cloth diapers

bleach and

rubber pants for many toddlers

just trying to save

some money

for US !

No Pampers for them and

not much help from you

Just more beer - more buddies

and more T. fuckin' V.

New guitar strings

regularly

and 12 packs endlessly

musicians and an audience for you

in the living room

constantly

as I counted all the mouths

to feed

the ones you factored out

while out of every paycheck

you took a fat ounce off the top ~

new blue jeans happened for you

whenever you wanted along with

everything else you wanted

when you wanted it

BIG BABY

while I wore hand me ups and downs

and the children too

silly me - selfish you -

getting sick and sarcastic shit from

your family like

" Oh - is that NEW ? "

and you let them think I was spending

all YOUR money !

No aluminum foil in my kitchen

cuz ya can't " EAT IT "

and I even gave you " ONE MORE CHANCE "

too many times after

you beat me

or disrespected me in the crowd

or drove away so freely to

the bar frequently

leaving me to deal with

children who were

" OURS "

always letting you back in

the door

for more -

back in the bed

we could not easily leave ~

and your new girl who has not been

pregnant with your children

repeatedly

may be

stable and regimented

( " Oh - you only get to play on Wednesday night

and she wants you to pick after yourself TOO ? )

but baby

She's Not ME !

And how's that working for ya ?

Just fine you say - then why are you

down in the basement by yourself now

with your guitar and your beer

never getting out much and nothing to say ?

Look what you gave up !

Now you have to tow the line

and she doesn't have

my

touch . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

 

 

Black Eyes and Beautiful Children

 

 

There must have been

a moment of

Peace

when strong swimming sperm

met

the egg that became

the beautiful child -

after passion’s warring

Love

made until early morning

in the haze of the craze

with a black eye

sign

of devotion

but who has need for such force

unless enormous desire is present

you protest

when I protest that only

War

carries with it so much hatred

and happily ever after

isn’t happy

after all

duty calls

beauty falls shorter each

time

but behold the

beautiful children . . .

 

 

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

Skid marks

. . . in the eyes of

survivors

of War and

more ~

an unmistakable

look

I read it like

a book -

present in my own

reflection

searching for the time

it wasn't there ~

There are skid marks

in the eyes of alcoholics

and drug addicts and

veterans of every kind of War

everywhere -

marks that remain

even after you

sober up

and/or clean it up

or call a truce

or get a restraining order

or are freed

or call back your troops

or rehabilitate

or move out or

move on ~

Mine came from things

like DOMESTIC Violence ( look it up )

like dishes flying

across the family table

and broken knuckles from holes

in the walls again and

again bandaged from holes in

the family

who are moving out again and

again this nightmare

took shape in

my own adult life and

making it stop

is like harnessing the

wind of the Tornado

from the VORTEX

inside ~

As it happened repeatedly

I made it stop

repeatedly

only to watch it start up

again

and have to make it stop

again

occasionally sooner than later

as with all things that were

too wrong for

too long

unlike the country I live in

that somehow cannot

stop fighting somewhere in the world

for very long . . .

  . . . those who have

come out the other side

of any living tragedy

having seen plenty

of road rash

and death often near

wear an expression

immediately identifiable

scarred from the wreck

by the rest

whose souls have been scored ~

Anyone who has been

spared

the sting of the smack

of the Big BAD FIST of Life

may see skid marks and know not

what they see

and some can't look

when it mirrors

their own

and most are still within its

grasp

and it's kicking

their ass . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

So much for . . .

. . . technology

when a man three states

away

can check you

out

via satellite

CREEPY !!!!!!

And creepier when he

tells you about it !

It's Creepy like

Eye Spy and

Big Brother !

What is with the voyeuristic

tendency ?

Always somebody's nose

up somebody elses ass

for all of life

that I've ever seen !

Some people must like the

smell of

other people's shit ~

I don't mean to get graphic

but that's what it is like !

I want to issue tickets for

FOLLOWING TOO CLOSELY

and you might want to back off

or I'll let one fly !

Silent but deadly

I don't answer the phone

when he called back after I

hung up with " That's creepy " and

" I have to go now . . . "

CREEPY !

Controlling

Invasive

Encroaching

Entitled

Arrogant

Ignorant

Possessive

Presumptuous

Insecure

Immature

Idiot

man

Sorry but I'm really

GROSSED OUT

by that

and the Dumb Shit

probably thinks I

should be flattered !

( Just because you CAN do something

doesn't mean you SHOULD !!!!!! )

And this while trying to

woo and win me !!!

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

The Ode to Abuse

It is DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH !

in case you were unaware

It is why we are here

you and me

One year ago at the

last of October

Domestic Violet and the

FLOWER GIRLS

came on the cyberspace scene

Whomever my audience

be

let me thank you for your

attention to this

matter

and share with you

~ Ode to Abuse ~

written several years ago

from my Violet experience . . .

Hello

goodbye

Hello

goodbye

goodbye

goodbye

the past . . .

it echoes thru

my mind

Hello you sexy handsome thing !

Hello there pretty lady !

You are too wonderful for words

A sight for my sore eyes

You are what I've been

looking for

my lost and lonely life !

I am afraid as well as lost

I am afraid to lose you

So I will cling and

give a ring !

because I really need you

You are so nice and fun to be with

smart and right and full of wisdom -

confident and so secure

God's gift to me and I am sure

that you and I were meant to be

and I will never leave you !

But soon you try to spread your wings

you won't stay where I want you -

right by my side where you belong

for you belong to me !

And I am selfish

self-centered too

as well as lost and lonely

And you are giving

warm and wise and must

give to me only !

So when you wrestle

from my grasp

I fight as if I'm dying -

left on the front lawn crying

for on my own I can't be nice

and I'm not fun to be with

I'm insecure and full of doubt

I'm cold and so unfeeling -

my wisdom is that of a fool

and vengeance is my creed

I begin to hate you

for your worth !

I find your faults and zero in

I'll take from you

what I don't have

and you won't have it too

I'll say you are what I am

and maybe you'll believe

me

And when I have convinced you so

I know you'll never leave me -

for you'll be glad to

have me now

for no one else can love you

as much as I and

who will give as much

as I give to you ?

There is a price for all I give

Yes I give rings and

pretty things and

then call you ungrateful

and many unkind things

while you still try to

spread your wings

I

chain you with so many things

I don't let up

I keep right on

taking you down with me

You are fighting now

with everything  -

you're telling me what I am

a child a boy and

not

a MAN

controlling and

mistrustful

I am not handsome to you now

and you're not pretty either !

for you won't play this game

my way

and I must win or die -

so I'll take my toys

and trinkets I gave you

and find another victim

I'll give her rings and

pretty things

and she will

never leave me

So while you're running

for your life

away from my abuse

you have to know

I needed you

for my own use

Goodbye

Goodbye

Oh wounded bird

I know from this you learned

never to be

caged again . . .

and if your lesson

passed you by

another one just like me

is waiting 'round the bend !

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

One more day

" Sometimes, as a Mother, you make wrong choices

for the right reasons . . . " 

the Mother replied when her Daughter asked

    why she stayed with an Abusive Man

It was never a matter of staying or not staying

It was a matter of not going there

in the first place 

As I attempted to create a life

with Someone;

a life with no need to "go"

no reason to flee -----

I badly discovered Someone

did not want the same thing

as me -----

Someone with different priorities

altogether

Someone dented in places

like me -----

but not the same

          level of conscience

Someone's attraction

for me -----

initially a blinding light

Someone's attraction

to something 

not me -----

a dark night

The priorities of Someone

included

but were not exclusive to:

Avoidance of Intimacy

at all costs

and a need to compete

and a real interesting way

of fucking with my sleep

And there would be

no peace

if

Someone

could not have

someone's own way

I gave in so the Big Baby

would just

shut  up !

Too many times I would find after all

I wasn't on Someone's list

at all

     Not about me

not at all

not even a little bit

or the children

either

not even one of the five things

in life

that mattered to Someone

and then to ice the cake

someone hit me in the face

    - needing to control -

High priority for Someone

who can't restrain

oneself

In

every

possible way

Someone assured me

how much I was not loved

in every move

someone made

until

the life where no one has to go -----

no one has to flee  -----

was just some fantasy

and I'm jolted from my reverie

by the crying of my baby

and I stayed

one more day . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi  ~~~~~~~~~~~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

The Sting of the slap

After reviewing and refining all posts

I have discovered zeal

( which is sometimes defined as "of God" )

a.k.a. enthusiasm

So overjoyed at being on the typepad

I wrote my little brains out with

unbridled emotion

all along

Nothing more

nothing less

Strong language for

a strong subject

The point

is not what happened or when

or with whom

or who's at fault

or who is not

but

that it did occur

as opposed to

NOT

and nothing happens by

mistake

Our lives are not for naught

Some years ago

a wiser woman said

" Don't you think there is

a reason you have your life experience

and writing skills? "

when I was not yet thirty

So now I must agree

with zeal

and pouring forth a lifetime

using colorful, descriptive language

and suggestion of Universal experience

or can you not relate?

Who among you has not

felt the sting of the slap?

Use your imagination, if not

as I furnish you the insight

in to a Domestic Violet night . . .

My husband decided out of no where

to grace my sons and me

with his drunken presence

and he had never done that

His attempts to rally loyalty from his 'step-sons'

suddenly included demeaning their mother

in their presence

and with a wink and a look and

a laugh

he wanted them to laugh too

but they did not

His display so shocking was just

a new way he found to hurt me

it was his hobby

I could not bear another night

in his presence

This was a few years into abuse

from him

I was there to witness yet another sad

example of his "ick"

He finally made me sick

I took my sons to a safer place

and did not return home until the next morning

I did not want to see his face

and I had never done that

never NOT come home

which means up to then I had

"tolerated" abuse from of all kinds

This time he crossed a line

there are no second chances for a man

to use my children to harm me

As I lay in my nightie in the bed

late that Monday morning

he came in from a weekend "awake"

with the help of alcohol and miscellaneous

items with stimulating effects

Oh boy!!!!!

Before I could say a word

he hit me in the face

I jumped up on the bed

backing away

from this

and then he caught me by

my wrist

With one long pull - I flew the room

in a pile I dropped

A crippling motion made that day

a leg so torn I did not

walk again for half a year

and I had to disappear

He went to jail

finally

I sat on the sidewalk

amid the broken glass

after he wiped up the house with me

even after I protested

said  " I'm injured, you fool. "

OH - yes, that was his point

This is not a man who lived by any GOLDEN RULE

He beat me with one leg gone

( a cruel four year old to me )

and I sat amid the wreckage

and finally found the guts

to call POLICE and Paramedics

while I was going nuts

He'd left me in the wreckage

and gone back to the bar

I'd gone to every length 'til then

he'd pushed me very far

I realized - EPIPHANY -

if he were just a stranger

he would  be behind bars

for his endless bad behavior

If he were only "someone else"

dialing 911 wouldn't be so hard

So I called for help and they picked him up

and I moved out the next day

And where I went he never knew

my roommate would not say

and she was his bartender night after night

They jailed him and made him

attend

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CLASSES

where he managed to get the person in charge

to fall in love with him

and so he skated

When class was through

he was not "NEW"

and it was a year later

Though sounding quite contrite

when I returned to "try again"

he abused me the second night

Silly Me !

And that was then and this is now

a different sort of day

The difference has been simply this

I will no longer play

I won't be there a second time

there will not be a first

I'm busy now not wasting time

with others at their worst

I only takes a small amount of "ick" and I'm

away . . .

I walked again eventually

the body heals itself

but I had help to heal "the Me"

and won't go back again

Instead I write and tell the world

Who cares, but one or two?

I use the power of my words for good

and not for no good reason

to say there is another way

" YOU are not caught "

" You are not stuck "

" If You are in  'the cycle of violence'

  stop right there "

" There are many who care "

" There is help out there "

" Is anybody out there?  "

I asked the Universe

and several people during

' the last time I will ever

need to be rescued

from a man ' ~~~

" You are not alone "

" NO ONE DESERVES TO BE HIT "

" and don't give me this victimizer/victim shit "

" We're ALL victims in this warring world "

" STOP buying into it "

" or continue living in denial

  that evil really exists "

I'm not talking in the biblical sense

both God and Satan take too much heat

for shit that they don't do

They are the perfect scapegoats

I know - I have been one too !

The perfect place to lay the blame

and be the one that's shunned

" You made me a felon,"  my husband said,

" look what you did to me "

" Now I can't own a gun and and the record states

my conviction of a felony -

- look what you did to me ! "

He chose to give himself the mark

when he chose to hit me

The evil I'm referring to

lives within that statement

That somehow I threw out my wrist and said

" Oh please oh - please take it

Now get a grasp and pull real hard and

send me through the air

and please cripple me while you're there  ! "

He once told "others' that I threw myself down the stairs

( see post: They came . . . )

The evil is the notion that he is not responsible for his

actions

Maybe God or the devil or his wife made him do it.

Classic Victimizer blaming Victim game

for lack of better naming

That's what they do !!!

How about you

innocent too ?

{ The day after his arrest we both had to appear in court, where I gimped on crutches, bruised and battered as a restraining order was put in place; my husband's daughter showed up to ask me, " Why are you doing this to my father ? " }

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi +*#$^@

Survivor . . .from the VORTEX