Domestic Violet

The Asparagus...

 

^{. . . manipulation – she waited}

^{until I got all the way down stairs}

^{to softly say}

^{my name}

^{to urge me once again}

^{after I had declined the offered lovely veggies}

^{saying I would cook them tomorrow if}

^{they were still here}

^{and she cannot take NO for an answer}

^{it appears}

^{cajoling me}

^{back up the stairs with}

^{questions as to why I do not want the asparagus NOW}

^{with my couscous and egg sandwiches}

^{“ I do not want to cook them now “}

^{I replied and turned back down the stairs}

^but

^{she insisted I could microwave}

^{the delightful green stalks}

^{in lieu of my tried and true steam basket}

^{“Umm I would not like to use microwaves any more than I do presently” I kindly stated}

^{but this is not enough and now she has my curiousity}

^{so I  wrap asparagi(?) per instructions with wet paper toweling}

^{80 seconds}

^exactly

^{feeling sad to be adulterating such fine greens in this way}

^{and sick inside like i always do when}

^{I am doing that which I do NOT really want to do}

^{feigning gratitude for      her gift}

^{I escape to my quarters}

^{leaving the lovely couple}

^{my roommate and little princess control freak g.f.}

^{with a knot in my gut}

^{of the worst kind}

^{half outta my mind}

^{feeling sick and violated}

^{as only one who has had penile entry without}

^permission

^{multiple times}

^can

^{and too many broken bones and bloody lips}

^{from those who have no heart or}

^boundaries

^{and I ponder the many moments when I}

^{was not heard}

^{my will}

^over-ruled

^{and what this has done and continues to}

^{show me}

^{and I pray I see the day when}

^{I stand my ground with polite “NO thank you”}

^{and do not have to battle anyone’s attempt to}

^{impose their wishes}

^{upon me -}

^{one who still}

^{experiences this as}

^rape

^{all over again…}

^{Domestic Violet}

^{Semper Vi ~}

^{Survivor . . . from the VORTEX}

 

A blue-eyed crow . . .

 

. . . Caw Caw-ed

circled

settled

on the roof above his bedroom

where he lay

under the blanket

Mexican supernatural weave

left in the car by his best friend

during happier times

now reduced to yet another appointment with

yet another Doctor of yet another kind

so we

attempted delivery that day

to its blue-eyed

cantankerous owner who

we were informed

had passed away

ice still in his cocktail in front of the Super Bowl

that January Sunday 2000 when

I went to the door

while my husband waited

in the car with his Cancer

too sick to carry himself too far

too ill and broken to visit

then

a police officer answered the bell instead

and I swooned briefly

with news that was sure to help him

further

decline

and after getting him home

back to his bed

I unrolled the blanket

belonging to his nemisis who he loved dearly

covered him with it

silently we shared the unbelievable sadness that brought

the blanket back home with us

and I studied the beautiful design

with a crow in the middle of it

left him to his grief

and went outside with my own

when I heard the bird

watched it perch

where it stayed all day long

and into the night

looking back at me with the bluest eyes I have

ever seen

and it wasn’t a

dream …… 

( February 17, 2001 my husband passed away to peace )

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

Death has . . .

 

. . . once again

come near

not in my immediacy

but

an acquaintance lost

a friend

and in the telling

reminded me

of those I’ve lost so dear!!!

It’s clear

the power of alcohol

the rapacious creditor

has added to its list

another young one

who felt like a misfit

who struggled with

the illusion created

that poison ingested

“won’t get me this time”

and the bell sounded with King Alcohol

winning the final round!!!

And the 28 year-old young man was

              someone’s Son

(same age as my eldest male child)

and Brother

Cousin

Neighbor

Friend

as a tearful young woman recounts

“he was my ROCK”

while those who are more experienced

with loss

try to help her out

out

of her self-pity

for relationship potential lost (it is the beginning of the never, ever again)

we understand her personal fear

the one we all feel

when death comes near

the disbelief

denial

in ragged grief

a thing we are not taught about

so we stuff it down

move it around

try to get through a day

and just as it quiets down

grief comes back around

in phases and giant waves

but not before anger and rage

cripple our days

again

again

I was so pissed off

when my father died

that I was not okay again for a decade

sunk in self-destruct

inconsolable

beyond words …..

unaware this really negativity affected anyone but

me

so steeped in self-pity

poor poor me

poured me one drink too many

back then

raging internally at the gOd of my

misunderstanding

with no acceptance of “HAT’S LIFE

in the life/death deal

until the dying one

was me ~~~

I have been for almost 9 years

re-directed

re-connected

present in the NOW

caring for those

who have some

REAL PROBLEMS

(assisting in solving their

daily dilemmas

keeps my head out of my ass)

like helping with

how to get from wheelchair to bed

to bathroom

and back again 

or how to become nourished without a tooth in their head

and how to find joy

in the pain of their existence

to get through another day when

death is not yet

merciful enough to

take them

away . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

A recent scare . . .

sounded like this -

"Oh hello how are you?"

but before I could answer 

"Well I washed and waxed the floors

and polished all the

doors

by 8 am and then I did

the laundry - 4 loads

while processing mountains of

paperwork

and then I vacuummed the family room

and I still need to

dust in there

but it's only

noon

and later on I have 16 errands to run

and groceries to buy

but I will stop by

again

before I go home to make dinner and

start on the bedrooms upstairs" . . .

and my jaw dropped slightly

while contemplating

this

and closed again tightly

at the word  "again"

again and

again

for I was not looking forward to this

recently or then

as the hyper-vigilante Auntie Daughter Sister Mother

continued with her

list

and I didn't/don't understand

the meaning of this

or why I needed to know

any of it

each and

every time she shared

and I almost asked once

why she was telling me this

but before I

had a chance to

she asked how often I washed my sheets!!!

I can hardly speak

at this point

but

I joke 

"And who wants to know?"

and we laugh and she gets

nothing

from me

rambling on like she's

praying out loud

as if Pine Sol and Clorox were selfish Gods

requiring constant adulation

attention

worship

and praise

and I am so bored I start

yawning at the

diatribe

as she recited specifics

of her day timer

and to-do list

ad nauseum

as if I were supposed to

be interested in this 

and all the time

she was not hearing

what I was saying

at all

               or maybe perhaps selectively

and surely processed my utterance

out of context and

absolutely

repeated it

wrong

but I got free of

it

a few weeks ago

finally

and I wonder if this really is what pushing 60

with 40 years of married domesticity

brings???

I will never know personally

but her competitive brother mentioned

candidly

theoretically

possibly

"It is really full of OCD

and obviously she's stuck in a rut

with her dust

and she's highly competitive and

fearful we know

and the INCESSANT CLEANING is all for

SHOW 

and she has a chemical imbalance we all think

but she's just evil as far as I know" !!!

OH FOR GOD'S SAKE!

Okay but whoa

that's some scary shit

when it never occurs to me

to give anyone

my list of everyday trivial chores -

I just

do

them . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

 

The King of Pop mentioned . . . . . .

Michelangelo -

while discussing

immortality

prior to his own seemingly untimely

departure -

and 

 " who wants to be mortal  ??? "

Michael Jackson asked -

rhetorically so -

when the answer to that

we all know -

and he quoted Michelangelo as saying -

" I know the creator will

go

but the work

survives  . . . . .  "

whether it be a painting

sculpture or

composition -

" the artist wants the work to live on -

that is why I attempt to

bind my soul to

my worK " . . .

( YES )

and then some guy -

  a shrink I think -

later in the weekend programming

shared with the world

that he thought Superstar Michael Joseph Jackson

" suffered from feeling hatred for

what he saw in the

mirror " -

and WOW

what kind of power and control is THAT -

to change the face God gave

at the drop of a

hat !!!!!!!!??????!!!???!!!!!!!

So allegedly Joe Jackson's harsh parenting

instilled in Michael

feelings of being

UGLY -

scarred his soul for

life

apparently

but we wonder how someone so beautiful

could feel so bad about himself

and then his friend Lou Ferrigno said -

" . . .  his music was his

      ESCAPE

from the pain " -

without which

he would not be

who he

became -

in his GREATNESS and his

strangeness -

having been

molded and shaped by

" the rod "

to become

OBSESSED with

excellence -

" I am interested in PERFECTION " -  in Jackson's own words

Oh GOD -

and then John Landis ( Thriller director )

refers to M.J. as

" a tragic figure " and

" there is no reason

for this person to be dead . . . and

broke " -

and if in fact

PARMACUETICALS

and the administration thereof

were responsible for

the death of

The King of Pop -

then shame shame shame

on ALL of us

for how we bought in and for how

we allowed The A.M.A. and Big Pharma

( lounging in bed with INSURANCE conglomerates )

to brainwash us -

providing our

DRUG CULTURE

with

lots   of options

to muck us up -

to profit from our

demise -

to create CORPORATE security

based on our

insecurities

dependencies

tendencies

illnesses and seven deadlies -

GROSS !!!!!!!!!!!!!

And this greed - built on our need to

hedonistically

" have it all "

" get lost "

" mood alter "

to be  " not fully present presently "

or whatever you want to call

escapism  and the addiction situation -

shame on those who take advantage of all us and everyone !!!

( Shame is deadly and I do not dispense it lightly !!! )

And while I know firsthand

the color of

addiction

I was never obsessed

with

high powered Pharmacueticals -

this is not to say I have no experience with them -

it is to say I never lingered

long -

or maybe I just traveled in the wrong circles

where most were content with a beer and a

joint now and then

and

I could have

been a real big

junkie

but 

never seemed to have enough

money

fortunately

and I could have been a

Pharmacuetical casualty

at another time in life

had it not been for 

my children

who helped me

keep

my mind 

while driving me

out of it -

but I did take a lot of

ANTIBIOTICS -

enough to sink a large ship

and this in itself

will do

HUGE

damage

without benefit of any  " high "

and today I would have to be

knocked down and tied up

to be willing to ingest any more

MOLD

called Penicillin -

and no longer is my M.D.

GOD -

so I look to Nature

instead

researching the way it was intended

with lots of

anatomy

physiology

biology

geology

psychology

spirituality

and humanity

under my belt -

doing things like

avoiding chlorine

flourine

benzene

aluminum

mercury

cadmium and

sodium laurel sulfate

high fructose corn syrup

and hydrogenated

anything -

and trying things like eating HUMAN food -

( ex: cow's milk is for little cows as are the 15 grains in your loaf of

alleged bread !!! )

and WE sometimes take better

care

of our cars than

ourselves -

balance our tires

regularly

and getting a tune-up when

the timing is wrong

and

timing and balance

are everything in

everything

and I hope the life and death of

Michael Jackson

is a service to remind

that OUR Creator    ( whatever your conception )

probably doesn't care

what kind of car we drive

or what kind of clothes we wear

but may be curious to know what

is being done with the

gifts

we have been given

unto our stewardship

and even perhaps might wonder

why we don't LOVE ourselves and each other

enough

to take better

care . . .

Domestic Violet thanking the Universe

for Michael Jackson and the lesson

there ~

Semper Vi ~

Never can say goodbye . . .

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

and so he became . . .

so gradually

the pretty

boy

his Father

told him he was

not -

in the biggest  " FUCK YOU "

the world ever

saw -

and I know what it means -

from whence it

comes -

and I know the

heart

in one who would sing

and become

KING -

when he reeled and

rocked

from soul-less

shocks

and propelled from the

floor

with an awesome

roar

and an impish

grin -

yes he showed him -

yes he did

too -

wouldn't you ?

Then again maybe NOT ???

But didn't you ?    Too ???

I could swear that was

you -

someone lied to you too -

and then

what did you do

when they scarred you

for life

and made you feel ugly and

worthless - like they did  on the inside ?

So perhaps you believe he could have

should have

let it

roll off  -

like your ego imagines you would -

and what's wrong with some of us          ?

who don't have a

duck

back

you may query

but

true KINGS lead with

hearts

of utmost

integrity

despite the fated heavy hand

that holds the torch

of self-loathing and

sears the Spirit

to a

silent

scream !!!

I know what it means -

to be ruled by

excesses

of excessive

rule

and to be used as a

tool

and to rock

reel

spin

and drop

to a knee

and jump from

a toe

and know

Tinker Bell is always

nearby and

Pan

is just a state of

mind

of the hardest kind

until you grow-up

willingly

and come out the other

side -

and I know

what it means to

change like the seasons -

all the reasons -

recreating from past ashes -

how to re-do the  

 " do " and do/don't/do/don't/do/don't   do do

more frequently perhaps

than the average

YOU -

and what it is to hate my eyes nose toes

and hair - DON't EVEN GO THERE!

And I changed my last name

more often than some change their

underwear

but

I refuse to

succumb -

to become

what I hate -

refusing

the bait

finally -

and I'm finally okay with

me -

hair and all

and the name I was born with

that I disliked most of all

but what a pity -

que lastima pobrecito -

Michael Jackson

paid a high price

for believing the

lie

and paid with his life to be

free

finally . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Heal the world . . .

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

Dichotomous . . .

epiphany

paradoxically paired

mystery

dually dated

history

white

black

simultaneously

this

that

entwined

aligned

fading to

fugue  ~

" There are two ways to be

fooled -

one is to believe

what is not true -

the other is to refuse

to believe

what is

true " - ( Soren Kierkegaard )

Today I heard Marlon Jackson say

that M.J.

was " mobbed if he walked across the

street -

judged -

ridiculed -

how much

PAIN

can one take ?

Maybe now they will leave you

alone " . . .

and Sharpton the Reverand stated -

apparently to Michael Jackson's

children -

" Your Daddy wasn't strange -

he had to deal with

strange -

and deal he did !!! "

Boy can I relate to

this !

The world is full of freaks

from where I'm standin'

and I'm not even a

superstar -

but you would think I was

given how much

slander

has come my way

and all manner of brutality and

bullshit

sometimes disguised as

attention

and admiration -

sometimes appearing

sincere -

sometimes looking like

love

even -

but in the end

not so much -

I'm just someone who

survived

thus far -

and lived to

tell about it -

and

there was a moment

in the

Memorial

that just didn't seem right -

when ALL who were

gathered

to say good-bye

farewell

so long

'til we meet again -

with plenty to

say

and plenty of

song -

when ALL were

too far away

from the lonely gold

casket

at the foot of the

stage -

not his usual place -

and for a second

I was painfully aware

that Michael Jackson was

no longer

there -

anywhere -

so I watched MTv

all afternoon

just to keep him

around -

thanking Universal Boss

for letting us have him

and his incredible

gift

for awhile -

I will never get tired of the

inimitable

sound . . .

Beat it now !

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

I was blown away . . .

the other day -

didn't know what to say

it was so

surreal

when I heard news of the death of

Michael Jackson -

but I finally cried when I heard Farrah Fawcett

died too

and I watched The BURNING BED

again

and when it was over

I danced to THRILLER

BILLIE JEAN and

ROCK WITH YOU -

twirled my baton

and marveled at seeing Farrah's Story

recently and how quickly she is

gone ( chemo-therapy KILLS  once again ! )

and then I thought about the extraordinary

talent

exhibited in Michael Jackson's lifetime

and Farrah will never know

how many wanted

Farrah's hair

when I was 22 and busy

in Beauty School

and how many longed to be able to wear

that red swimsuit -

a brave soul in life and on screen

when she played a bad-ass with a great ass

Charlie's Angel

and then conversely she became

taken more seriously as

Francine Hughes

battered and bruised

when she lit the bed on

fire -

and I UNDERSTOOD

as only a battered woman could

how

the character she portrayed so well

poured gasoline from a can and

lit the match in a            desperate

and

" DONE "

violent act that took the life of

the man she LOVED -

her husband Mickey/abuser/attempted murderer -

and she made the VIOLENCE

END

once and for all

but

I was GONE in real time

finally and

again and again -

before it went THERE  in my life

but not before wearing

shades of

blue

black

and bloody red

eyes

nose

shoulders and

legs

ribs

toes well stepped on

and broken stuff in my

neck and back -

I remember living clearly in HELL

as I recall seeing her get beat-up

the first time on T.V.

in '84

while at the very same time I was

living in the war zone -

suggesting one night

that the man who made me

bleed again

should perhaps SLEEP LIGHTLY MICKEY !!!!!!!!!!!! -

but that's as far as I could go

and I knew I had to leave

or one day have no choice and

someone could have died and it might not have been

me -

but many years passed before I was

Battery Free -

unfortunately today

there is only incrementally

incidentally

more HELP for

women like me and Francine !

The Burning Bed

illustrates well

how little support

we really have had and how often

the families of origin

enable this TRAGEDY -

turning a blind eye -

blaming the VICTIM with misplacement of

culpability -

even worse when this comes from

OTHER WOMEN -

some who have never been

struck -

and some who are

stuck

in denial

of their own

misery -

buying the lie -

hiding their own bruised

eye -

figuratively

literally

pitifully

believing they are responsible

for the actions of another

because societal mores and the perpetrators

and possibly their battered mothers

convinced them it was true -

therefore other Battered Women must be guilty too ?

Hello is that YOU ???

If so please know

I pray

for

your

release

from the burden of

erroneous delusional thinking 

and today I pray for

Farrah and Michael too -

that their return

HOME

is GRANDER than and

GREATER than

their Earthly pursuits

and that

blissful communion with authentic Universal Power

be theirs

as they step out of their

" suits "

going HOME for repairs

AND possibly WILL be SENT ONCE AGAIN

BACK here TO ANOTHER LIFE !

I KNOW I've been here

before !!!

They were HOT and Rockin'

while they were with us

in this plane of

existence

and right now they know

no pain

and they know

no

fear . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

I was quoted . . .

in the past -

as saying -

" The only thing

a man has

over me

is his

physical prowess -

in all other ways

he is

not superior -

not greater -

not better or

stronger

and he knows this -

seriously dislikes it

and so therefore seriously dislikes

me -

and you too

ladies -

and don't forget because

he

seldom

does " . . . ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

( D.V.)

More recently however

I still believe this

but

will temper my sentiment

somewhat

for the benefit of those who

don't know this

yet -

are unaware this is even

going on -

add the fact that

we Women

give/create/manifest  LIFE

and so

some guys are

really pissed off  ( aka fearful insecure scaredy cats )

and this makes them/anyone

dangerous and this is

in direct proportion to their

competitiveness - ( aka  fear etc. )

and we all know this

is born of extreme insecurity ( aka HIS  problem

personal ick and

shit to deal with )

but

he rarely knows this

consciously

so would deny

this phenomenon

to the core

yet

some men can be heard to say

" some women drive us crazy ! " -

and as a last ditch effort to

maintain

#1 position

some men will use

brute force

but

first they must

convince us it is safe to

get near them -

and SEX for some of the guys is

really further subjugation -

as their

not really being O.K. with it (sex)

yet -

like a sixteen year-old

makes a woman lower than

whale shit

for engaging in it

with them

although some famous fucks

have said it best

like Gene Simmons ( who sexed over 2000 women in the KISS  era )

and he maintains that -

now that he's all grown up -

" men are not being taught by their Fathers

to be MEN

so they remain little boys "

( and I wonder how many sons he has

but

at least he's not blaming ONLY the Mothers LOL ) !!!

He goes on to mention Women as 

" needing to

STOP

defining themselves through men "

and

OH what a good idea !

But even more important to remember is that

women  and  men  are more alike than they are

NOT - Oh God

compared to an aardvark or something else with a

beating heart -

so how sad and

extremely stupid we are

to keep fighting over HERS and HIS

and we are the only

species

who does this -

but how grand to be quoted accurately at least

for a change

when I'm sure the aardvark and his girlfriend

do not misspeak or take communication

far and wide and

out of context

or much too

personally

and have better things to do than

lie outright

or there would be far more chaos

in the wild 

and it will take many more

millenia for girls and boys with hearts and brains

to stop thinking and behaving

in terms of Yin and Yang

seperately

to see there is no polarity

when in fact they are

UNION

and for everyone to stop having to WIN

or BEAT

or BEATING to WIN  -

and obviously stronger Males need to STOP BEATING UP WOMEN -

sheesh

it makes them look like the

little boys they still are

not MEN

or whatever their twisted perception of MANHOOD

might be

and it is something I am

no longer willing to see looking back at me

and prisons and jails are FULL of them 

as well as every other house down your street -

and what exactly are the FATHERS  doing anyway ?????

Maybe it is time for them to take some

heat

instead of Women being blamed for their  behavior and

being told they are responsible -

so perhaps the MEN could pull up their pants and

step up to the plate

but first they may have to put down their

beer and video games !!!!!! . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

I cared so much . . .

what you thought

of me -

and I remember

seeking your

approval

like a junkie

seeks

a needle

and gets a missed exploding vein

mess -

instead of the

HIT  of the high -

and I realized

slowly -

you cannot be happy

and it's not about me -

and I began to not

                            give a shit !

My reward for

trying

was constant

failure

and I went

WILD

with

frustration -

becoming your

low opinion of me -

until I changed my

mind

about you -

when I was struck

by the ignorance and

heartlessness of

the people of the lie

and now I don't give a

fuck ...

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

When the first plane hit . . .

that day

in September 2001 -

we were all

asleep -

we the people -

The AMERICAN People -

lulled into apathy

by precision 

marketing 

and lo and behold

we even - in our naivete -

taught them how to fly the planes ??????????????????????

And we didn't even know what hit us

then !!!???

And though we're groggy still -

some of us have trouble swallowing the

pill

pushed

by Washington elite

who use the words  " The AMERICAN People "

repeatedly ad nauseum -

a thousand times a day on AMERICAN television -

to make us think we

matter

to them -

but how much could that be true

when WE showed the enemy what to do

or are the elite asleep

too ?

H'mmmm ???

Revelee AMERICA !!!!!

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

Family doesn't . . .

ditch family -

someone said from the circle

just the other day -

and I wondered if

their last name was Cleaver

or Kardashian or

Trump

or somethin'

cuz I could not

relate -

relative to those I'm

related to that is -

where love is not thicker than

hate -

a sad bad state of

affairs

where nobody cares -

projecting onto others

what they are guilty of -

like a hot potatoe -

thinking everyone thinks like they do -

afflicted with a similar lack of

trust -

with glares from similarly shaped

eyes nose toes

and silent dares throughout

wasted days

becomes chaos in the

night

when false pride

rules the fight

while "ditch the bitch"

echos

down the years -

taking turns as the odd man out

with each one vying for position

and nothing better to do

than continue the ruse

with something/nothing to prove

making sure they don't lose at

musical chairs !

   " Family doesn't what  " ????? -  I wondered

aloud

rhetorically

incredulously

and said to someone  " I need help with that one please -

for I don't know what you mean !

Ideally our families are 'there for us'

thru thick and thin

but that has not been my experience and

perhaps it only happens in the movies " !!!???

And someone else replied - " Your real family is not the bond of blood

and similar features

but rather the family I'm speaking of

is the one you build around you -

your community of supportive friends and neighbors -

the ones who don't ditch you

because you said something they didn't like -

the folks who try to work things out instead of

always trying to fight " !!!

I paused

and then revealed how I've seen

an incredible level of

mean

from those I love most and

layed down my life for -

but that is where the similarity ends -

not all cut from the same bolt apparently

when I've received more authentic love

from my children and my friends

and sometimes strangers with angel wings !

There is no end to the spiteful hateful family stuff -

no way to measure the invasive ignorance

and I've said for years that you need not fear

any enemies from outside your clan -

not when in some families your enemies are

built right in !!!

Too bad that BAD is where they are coming from -

no HEALTH in any way -

just a need to be sour and steal away

power -

devoid of their own

with bloated entitlement surrounding them -

I don't know how they live in their own skin

after what they do to their own

kin -

but of course we have choices

and change in perspectives

allowing for compassion for fools -

and change is inevitable

but even more incredible

is the energy spent to

remain the same

in their game -

the one those of us who work hard to

live and take care of our biz -

don't have time to play !

" So family doesn't what " ????? -

I repeated again and

gave another idea to the crowd -

" Just pity the fools and watch them look worse

with every new tactic they find -

and see them as lost in the devil's workshop

with too much idle time -

( get a job comes to mind ! )

and pray that the authentic Power of the Universe

can find a way to heal up their twisted

minds -

and be glad you were tossed to the curb -

and be grateful  for the "ditching"

cuz it beats the endless ignorant display

and removes from your world

an ugliness needed by no one -

including all of their

sick bitching

and consider yourself the fortunate

one !

Let the circle of your family be unbroken

where you find them . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

 

 

Control Freaks . . .

unite !

You should start a UNION !

Gather up and spell it out -

ITEMIZE - ( we know you like it ! )

get honest with your peers -

admit your shit and sound it out -

release your darkest fears !

Say out loud how the world won't go 'round

without your fierce

CONTROLLING -

and your need is relieved when you say what you mean -

that you're sure no one else has a BRAIN

but you !    ( c'mon now - you know it's true ! )

And you leave us quite breathless and constantly test us

roaring over our boundaries like fast-moving trains -

and it would be so much easier to just pray for rain

than to hope a CONTROL FREAK can

change !

But we know you're FEARFUL

when you give us an

earful -

telling how we've not done IT

quite right -

and we're sure your concern with the boring PERFECTION

is keeping you up late at night !

So we are suggesting you waste time with  perfecting

your plan to make us see the light -

when we're NOT rolling over and asking how high -

with your demand that we " jump " and  " snap to " -

We're ON to you !

Your state of continued mild hysteria

is an obsolete  quarantined area - a place where the "B"  personality

never goes -

so your "AAA" driven compulsive obsession

with the relentless pursuit of non-existent

PERFECTION

is a lesson in futility

for those who know how to

let go . . .

and we're praying for magic precipitation -

like the snow in the Wizard of Oz -

that will knock your ass out and give us a break

from the incessant imposition of

your will

thrust upon us

and the power you steal

like a thief in the night

since you obviously don't have

your own -

give a dog a

bone . . .

Domestic Violet and the "B" types

Semper  Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

The Land God . . .

is a paltry pitiful and

pathetic God

when

people lives

are not as valuable

as the reputation

one has from

being mortgaged to the hilt -

from the possession of a whole bunch of

STUFF including turn of the century built

structures -

habitable still

but with hundred year old

problems

and how nice for the

"OWNER"

to drive by and say with pride

'' that's MINE "  and  " so is that one "

and  " that one too " !!!  . . . calling himself an INVESTOR

collecting large sums of money

while never minding whose lives are affected by

procrastination and

ungodly evasiveness and tightness of the WAD -

unfortunately 

frequently

delusions are present when the Land Gods 

believe their properties have been blessed with

self-maintenance

perhaps misreading the fine print in their too many

deeds ( which do not legislate moral integrity unfortunately )

which they signed when biting off more than they

could chew in a get rich quick scheme

costing them the children's college fund

much to the wife's chagrin and losing the

inheritance from grandma and grandpa as well

letting the bank take back

nine of the ten properties purchased with a

balloon filled never ending payment plan

in the end !

There is something to be said for

being a tenant when

nobody REALLY owns anything anyway

and the boiler breaks down so you get to call the repairman

and they have to send the bill for two grand to Land God

and not to you

but it's not so hot when Land Gods begrudge

safe living for their tenants

while whining about paying bills for deadly

gas leaks

and are too stupid to insulate or

fix dripping water when they

pay for utilities !?!?!? -

but certainly don't give a care if their tenants are

warm enough in winter or

too hot all summer long or

if the porch is falling through or

if people ( who = $$$ to the Land God )

can't breath for the cottonwood cotton

which drops every year fouling the air for a month

from the branches too near

the attic apartment roof

and probably won't do anyhting about it

until a big dead branch crashes through

and then the dumb shit will have a lawsuit    

on top of it

for injuries or death

due to negligence

and pardon me for getting an "A" in logic and

never putting myself in the slum lord's

position

but then I've never REALLY

needed to impress

you . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

Leaving me with . . .

a bad score

is such a bore -

especially when you

don't seem to mind

and I didn't think you were

the kind -

but I've been wrong

before -

wait for the encore -

but

don't hold your breath -

because I am nolo competere

essentially -

and you must

have your way

in the end -

big baby !

But my favorite part of

your game -

as the observer -

is to watch how

low

you'll aim  . . .

how far you will bend over

from your fantastic

morality -

departing from

really standing tall -

failing to achieve your desired

end result -

where you end up looking better than -

in your own mind -

how far you are willing to hit

below the belt

so you can have it

all . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

"Trouble don't last always"...

. . . he said frequently

and " there sure is a lotta  TRY

in you girl "

he mentioned more than once

And " all the people in so much pain "

he lamented looking around the bar full of fans and

customers he " helped "

in the only way a singing drug mule can

and they loved him

in the way those looking for escape

worship the pain reliever ~

I loved him too but not for the same reasons -

he took me under his wing to save me from them and

myself

and I would not stay where he bade me so

he became my only nightmare when

I wriggled free of the control he needed to have over me and

didn't he know it would never work ?

No - he was blind like every other one who could not see

there is no way to master one such as me ~

So he beat my resistance down but not out -

beat my face and called me names and tore me

from the inside out but there's a whole lotta " TRY " here

that never gives up

and can't quite understand still why people are so in need

to fill their insecurities up

by power-tripping all over people like US -

those who forge ahead with fierce determination toward

their OWN calling with no need to ask for permission to

LIVE the life we were given -

hoe the row assigned in the garden of Life and

aren't very interested in running YOUR  biz cuz

really isn't your list of trials and tribulations long enough

without my name on it ?

Or your neighbor's ?

And I was his wife so why did he lie about me to others

who came to say they were sorry for believing his fiction ? ( see post: They Came . . . )

I tried to look away like Ancient Asian custom

so he could save his face

but I didn't have to for long when he died before we could

live in hell for too very long like some do for all of life

and like he said

" trouble don't last always " . . .

And I love him still ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

???

From a sea of darkness

came

blessed blinding light -

a migraine ?

No

haven't had one in a long time -

never a hot flash either - F.Y.I.

just the vision

of her saying to me

" Maybe I should mess with the group

like they messed with me -

maybe I'll be the one this time !!!!! "

WHAT ?

WHAT the fuck ???

You're gonna do WHAT ?

" What are you saying ???!!! " - I asked in alarm

" You aren't serious, are you ? "  - I pleaded in disbelief

So ugly - I let it go

never thinking of it again until right now

WOW !

WOW !!!!!

SO THAT is what is going on -

that is why the rift

OH MY GOD

I think I'm going to puke

So she needs to keep me out !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE I KNOW !

Because I'm the one she said it to !!!!!

POOR SICK little girl -

God have mercy on her soul . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

On your behalf

. . . I've burned enough gas

going well out of my way to

accommodate you

as you dragged kicking and screaming

all the way

seldom a kind thing to say

down the street

one way ~

It was for you that

I gave a steal of a deal

on more than one occasion

and your interesting reaction to that

made you snide and harsh and

brazen

ridiculous

and I only wish

I hadn't seen it

not

looking so good on you ~

And for you I turn away

like ancient Asian custom

so you can't see that I can see

and then you can SAVE your FACE

or whatever you want to with it -

I know I'm not looking at it

lately ~

On behalf of you I would do

almost anything

but to see it's just a one-way street

is above all

the harshest thing

you've done on my behalf yet

when all I ask for anything

extended by my hand or head or

heart

is simply common courtesy

withheld by you

from the start ~

At the price of gas

I can't continue

burning it for you

when the gift

goes unreceived

and there are so many folks on

a two way street

a road that runs both ways -

where one hand washes the other

it's said

while pride comes before a

fall

it is written

I wish you well

and you're so vain

you probably think

this one is about you

too . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He's not here . . .

. . . said the Bartender

when I dialed the all too familiar

number of my former favorite

liquor by the drink

establishment

asking for a friend I haven't seen in a few years ~

Her unfamiliar voice then said

" He hung himself last year and I'm

sorry to tell you this way - I don't know what to say - but no he's not here

and there were others - it was a bad time

around here . . . "

It cut me to the quick

took my breath away

I'm going to be sick !!!????????????!!!!!!!#####################################

" . . . thank you "  I replied numbly

and hung up

rocking and reeling

in calamitous feeling

pacing running kneeling puking

and I remember I tried

a year or so ago

to reach him

and he's been

ever since then

quietly on my mind

I can feel him

a soul-mate

and I've had more than one

or two !!!

The subtle nagging thought

dragging me back to him

from the source of

intuition

has been constantly quietly

my companion

since I moved away ~

I remember when he was

often at my door then

back in the day -

my cushy warm friend who

came to rest and heal from life's hurts

at my table and in the comfort of

hugs and humor and

compassion

and he knew my pain too -

It was a two way street

sans judgment -

one that never detoured

and that's what kept it purely

simpatico friendship

and then I left -

the neighborhood

the bar scene

back to what is really mine

and really me

I couldn't take him with me

though I tried and

cried

and watched demon rum take him

down

like many others

including my last ever husband

who was his friend

too ~

So today in seeming

spontaneity

I called to find him

gone

and somehow I knew

all along

he would sober up someday when 

Locked up

Covered up or

Sobered up

are

the only

three options

when KING ALCOHOL

has GOTCHA !

And she said there were " others " gone too

and

I don't want to know -

I have seen enough death

already

stealing life from blinded

inebriated souls

who will "beat it" somehow

someway someday -

just ask their denial

and the judge at the trial

and their families who

blush and look away

at their seeming lack of

will -

not knowing that one's WILL

is useless in the matter !!!

So he found himself at the jumping off place

where he could no longer live

with or without

it

and in one last demonstration

of power over his

powerlessness

he took his own life . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The trouble with type . . .

is . . . lack of emphasis

inflection

direction of volume

and beats per syllable

- in short -

you can't hear what I say

from the keypad

your eyes

lost in literary

filters and degree of

comprende ?

Maybe

Maybe not but

do you get that

there are many ways to

hear words as they appear

" THE trouble with type "

or " The TROUBLE with type " or

" The trouble WITH type " and

finally " The trouble with TYPE "

are just four

so just imagine how many times

you didn't perhaps

" get "

what I write

or " got it "

some other way than

I intended

IT is the

trouble with type . . .

and you're welcome to ask for clarity !!!

I can answer with ease - thank you and

leave your question in the comments below

please !

Domestic Violet

Semper  Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

 

I gave a shit . . .

. . . several thousand minutes

after what could have been

a great and mutually enhancing thing -

instead it was a power junkie

sting

I realize with penetrating clarity

from the neighborhood of

third eyesight

that I've been

fornicated without

a kiss or hug

with so much vicious subtlety

I want to eat

a gun

( not really - it just rhymes but

I've encountered others who have

produced that very destructive effect )

No wonder people do

or threaten to ~

Unfortunately the math

resounds with sounds of

arrogant recanting

entitled by default

and I can only pray

the poor little fucker

finds a way to sleep at night

Oh but wait

there is no problem going

unsolved by chemistry

I discovered in the big hard covered

Food Pharmacy

on my natural remedy shelf

where it says on page 219

that a spoonful of sugar

honey

gives serotonin release

calming your war with self

and will help you swallow down

the myriad of mood altering bullshit

that surrounds

and your Village called

said they missed you at the Inn

and if anyone finds our idiot they asked

could you please return him ~

I think instead of heating up

and eating up my

SPIRIT

Heart

energy

Self and

time

way too many hours later

I'll simply pray you are rendered harmless

somewhere in your declining

mind . . .

Que lastima pobrecito !

2005

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

Skid marks

. . . in the eyes of

survivors

of War and

more ~

an unmistakable

look

I read it like

a book -

present in my own

reflection

searching for the time

it wasn't there ~

There are skid marks

in the eyes of alcoholics

and drug addicts and

veterans of every kind of War

everywhere -

marks that remain

even after you

sober up

and/or clean it up

or call a truce

or get a restraining order

or are freed

or call back your troops

or rehabilitate

or move out or

move on ~

Mine came from things

like DOMESTIC Violence ( look it up )

like dishes flying

across the family table

and broken knuckles from holes

in the walls again and

again bandaged from holes in

the family

who are moving out again and

again this nightmare

took shape in

my own adult life and

making it stop

is like harnessing the

wind of the Tornado

from the VORTEX

inside ~

As it happened repeatedly

I made it stop

repeatedly

only to watch it start up

again

and have to make it stop

again

occasionally sooner than later

as with all things that were

too wrong for

too long

unlike the country I live in

that somehow cannot

stop fighting somewhere in the world

for very long . . .

  . . . those who have

come out the other side

of any living tragedy

having seen plenty

of road rash

and death often near

wear an expression

immediately identifiable

scarred from the wreck

by the rest

whose souls have been scored ~

Anyone who has been

spared

the sting of the smack

of the Big BAD FIST of Life

may see skid marks and know not

what they see

and some can't look

when it mirrors

their own

and most are still within its

grasp

and it's kicking

their ass . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

Time Sleeps with the Snails

While I vacationed at

Cape Regret

lounging with memory

I long to forget

walking the sandy

Beach of Intent

you'll never know

what I really meant

As I lamented

the winds of desire

a sandbar of hatred

lights up with fire

Running aground

the Island of Ire

sinking and bound

a loveless quagmire

Out from the Lagoon

a Lost Lover wails

wandering aimless

a boat with no sails

alone as the moon

time sleeps with the

snails

Sorrowful River

at southernly end

waved up a current

Safe Harbor Bend

truth is a sliver

salt washing the rend

reeling in torrents

too ruined to mend

The Bay of Betrayal

gave room to rebound

self sympathy jail

no peace in the sound

Leaving the Cape

I never have found

a way to escape

that you were

around . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

They came . . .

She didn't really see your

hard look

or pretend to pretend

not to notice

blocking out

the deadly stare

you were not sending

you would swear

And then the right

hook

you did not give her

glanced off her

wild imagination

so she felt nothing

and never made a sound

heard by the neighbors

who called the cops

when she was screaming

for no reason

there was no bruise or

anything

It must have

happened

when you weren't there

you only care

and would never

lay a hand

She's crazy and

threw herself down a flight of

stairs

just like the time

she punched herself

right in the

eye

you don't know why 

like when she drove

into the house

with the car

through the wall

all pissed off

you don't know why she

tells all these stories

you don't know why

she

tells all these lies

but you should have been there

when 49 people  

came one at a time

to apologize

for trying to believe

your high denial

said they were sorry

they doubted her

that they did not want

to find you

guilty

but had to admit

when they witnessed a

hit

that knocked her to the

floor

and heard you call her a

whore

ripping the veil from

their unwilling eyes ~

they made amends

and hugged her shoulder

the one you didn't break

and helped her heart

you did not shatter

while you were still

alive . . .

( 2001 )

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the Vortex

 

 

 

Fat'ncat

I drove home from

her funeral after

~ Gardenia

was laid to rest ~

a horrendous ordeal

gathered folks together

who would otherwise not meet

Condolences then

and now for those who

loved Gardenia ~

murdered by a jealous

lover

a man who once her neighbor

three weeks later

killed his wife ~

So from a negative negative

negative situation

a distantly mutual 

acquaintance in the ' after '

coffee crowd

exclaimed her need to

find a new home for her

" 8 year old neutered

never- made- me- mad in

his whole

life "

cat

I replied involuntarily

" I have a mouse !? "

although I didn't know why

I said a word ~

and then later she delivered

a taped shut extra large

filled with air holes

cardboard box

with cat gear loaded into

the cat carrier ????

in the dark

we filled my car

and she cried and put her

old bathrobe in the backseat

so her scent would be near

so he would not be

so badly affected

by the twilight-zone

experience he was

having

since she

shut him in the box ~

And so I drove for two hours

while the poor man-cat

meowed and thrashed around

and I cried too

talking to him

all the way home

with a cat and

disbelief ~

Gardenia's murder

earlier in the week

had stunned me

Her funeral numbed me

I realized

when I carried

the heavy box

into my living room

as I stripped off the tape

and

opened the flaps

I had no idea

what the cat looked like !

It could be ANYTHING

at all !

and out stepped a

mostly white medium coat

strangely marked with black

BIG'NFAT'NCAT !!!!!!!!!!!!

Eighteen pounds if he's an ounce

one green eye marked with

black melting down from the top

of his head

the other green eye surrounded by

his dominant white

A perfect 3 inch dot situated

mid - shoulder

at the back of his neck

and smaller indigo spots

on two legs

a paw and his head

On his rump

larger round dots

run together

in the shape of a PUPPY

with a profile like a Scottie and

a little curled-up tail !

It was surreal

the feel

of the strange-to-me

feline

at first sight

He came at the precise

moment I needed

another beating heart

in my house

but didn't know it

until that night

I was paralyzed by FEAR

at news of the DEATH of

the GARDENIA and he gave me a reason

to get off my chair

to give a care

right when

Universal Boss knew

I needed him most ( Merci ! )

Big'ncat'nfat'ncat

A.K.A. Fat'n

He's so beautiful

when he lets himself in

the old screened front door

in the summertime

by flipping it open with a paw

and gives it a push

and lets himself out

when he wants

and wakes me if I'm nodding

in my chair

and understands my every word

( if the cat could only talk ! )  . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

Cross my Heart

A foxhole Christian

he claimed to be

Viet Nam maimed him

the killing machine

claimed him

Cross my Heart

hope to die

if I tell a lie

He came home intact

medals on his chest

purple hearts are the best

They taught him to kill

against his own will

Cross his Heart

the enemy

had to die

yet the look in his eyes

was all wrong

Now I'm the Viet Cong

in a bunker

in the bedroom

Over his heart hangs a cross

made of gold

swinging wildly

as he tries

to kill

me

They did not

un-teach him

and I cannot reach him

Cross my Heart

I'm going to die

The truth can't reside in

delusion wild-eyed

what you cannot hide

is the cripple inside

Cross your Heart

hope not to

die

They taught him to

kill

so we can be free

so he can kill me

I asked him for Truth

I asked him for Peace

He tried and he lied

Cross my Heart

hope to live

The cross held no power

no hope for

no help for

the evil within

He looked in my eyes

with malignant surprise

as I turned to go

and then Doctors told of

death impending

Cross their Hearts

malignant inoperable

terminal ending

in the bunker

in the bedroom

Cross my Heart

Will he die

or will I ?

The killing machine

with an oxygen hose

goldenly glows

only God knows

They taught him

They freed him

He lied

then he died

Cross my Heart . . .

( 2001 )

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

Up on the Roof

When I was young

and strong enough to

carry the weight of me

I favored the

roof

of the old garage

or the top of a

tree

The old bi-fold door

riding on a rail

seldom was closed

on the elderly garage

I could shinny - up there

away from the

barrage

I climb trees still

when I can find one

good for climbing ~

away from all the

whining

police cars, ambulance

frenzied fire trucks

and trivialities of everyday-ness

especially my own

This country at war

has given more

violence

to our lives

than ever before

And there's nothing like

a perch

higher in the air

to get away from

care

Up on the roof

where the rude don't usually

go

They're down below

and it's quite a show

from up there in the air

a multi-point

perpsective ~

My frequency is such

that the birds don't squack

and run

they do not fly away

when I come near

instead they move in

closer

tell me all about it

and butterflies

take turns landing

on me

How could I not want to

go there ?

As long as I can

still put my foot

up beside my head

if you can't find me

look up in the tree

or up on

the roof . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

Excerpts from Violet ~ Wild Child

Early drug days

at 15:

. . . doing pot, drinking beers

and some kinda strange looking

'shrooms ~

the curtains are moving

in Moose's living room

and momma is trying to find me

I think I should get up and go back home

soon

but I wake up to fight

with the sun

Mike says

let's get up and go hunt

for a beer

I ride down the street

on the floor

of his car

and momma is trying to find me

past my house

to the bar

they don't ask for the

card

for the proof

of my legality

And momma is trying to find me ( 1968 ) ~

eventually

I was too . . . "

First marriage

at 18:

" Third finger left

hand

chokes off any love

from my heart

I am 18 years old

and I've given my life

to a man

who has never even touched

the tip of my little

finger " ( 1971 ) ~

Sad to know

it was time to

go

at the start

when he hit me and

broke my heart ~

I didn't stay so long

in those days

early on ~

By then I had been beaten and

choked and kicked and punched

and raped and abandoned

and threatened with death

plenty already

which added to the enormity

of the Budding Wild Child

who transformed at 12

from innocent

to incorrigible

over-night . . .

so I write ~

LATER in life:

AGAIN SOMEONE'S WIFE

because that's what abused children

too often do:

I beseeched and I cried

years before he

died  ( 2001 )

with no clue these words

were the truest

kind of

true:

" How can you say

you wish me to pine

and long for your

embrace ?

My pain should never be

pleasure to you !

and you won't miss me

too ?

I thought you

the man

I searched long to

find

Life may be short

when love is so blind

Blind in the way I can see

but not feel you

Not when you're hiding

behind       

Short in the fact

that we have little

time

We are no longer children

with endless life to share

Every moment is

wasted

if we cannot

care

Every day I am questing for

truth

we don't live in a time warp

as we did in our youth ~

If there is love

then give it ~

something greater

there's not

Now is all we've got . . . ( 1996 )

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

Houdini however

Shrugging off

the straight-jacket

sweater life

Houdini could not do

it

better ~

She could not be his

wife

again

and another

and again and ~

Houdini however

did it quickly

only minutes

between death and

his life

As for her it took

time

and she gave many years

that she can't retrieve

just to trying

to try

to leave ~

Houdini was usually

" chained and surrounded

by water and

locked in a tank of some kind  "

she describes her life

as a straight-jacket sweater

when her turn in the group

comes around:

" I was married ~ more than

once

but not as many as

Liz Taylor

and I'm here to recover

from Domestic Abuse

and general mis-use

of me

and I'm sad to discover

that I want no more

lovers

for I'm just not

the marrying kind !

It's not so much

just what he did -

there was that

but

what he didn't

hurts worse

He could have LOVED me

but he wouldn't and withheld

and gave me slackers scraps

and bitch-boy slaps

instead

and HE was more than

one

who I choose to say today

COULD NOT really

LOVE

~ a sickness deep and dark ~

I can find them in the dark

familiar with their

feel and modus operandi

and emotional weaponry and their

scare  ~

I recognize them now

and I don't go

there . . .

If I knew when young

what I know today

I would have never been

hit a man

If I knew I could not

tolerate his tendency to look

at me and see his mother

or the maid or

a fuck thing for his use

or a place to place

his rage

or his alibi for whatever

a convenient built-in

excuse ~

If I only knew

I would never have experienced

enormous amounts of abuse ~

If I'd only known MY SELF !

it's enough what sick fucks do

what about YOU !

And this thing called marriage

unanimously SAME now

is just a way

I can't play ~

If catering to

the insecure

is how I must spend my day

and like a slave

in his control

which is born of fear

then thank you - NO

not interested here !

The last one of those

I tried to get near

broke my nose ~

Not everyone is

meant to be married

I am one of

them

currently

healing up from attempts

to be something I'm not

and my part I'm so sure

you've been waiting to hear

since we're all so obsessed

with finding fault ~

and establishing blame is the name

of the sickness that I'm

talking about !

He blamed Me for his every move

every problem - everything

from the gate

I guess I am the reason

he was so full of hate !

I Think NOT

since I dis-mantled

my own alibi bullshit and

make responsible choices in life

But I just have to say

is there no where I can go to

escape ?

from the scapegoating sickness

ruling the thinking

of the lemmings in line

passing off their culpability

like hot potatoes ?

It's become much more obvious

since practicing it's opposite !

( Humanities notch

on the growth chart right now )

Yes - I screamed back too loudly

when he called me bad names

and I drank and I smoked

just like him

but I'm not the one

who first doubled a

fist !

breaking trust

breaking hearts

breaking skin

And yes - I hit back

maybe once

maybe twice

but he's a MAN

who can

with one punch

end my life !

I am no match for HIM !

never was

never could be

never should have to !

So my error

was simply my lack

of concern

for my precious self

I mistakenly thought

that's what Love is

continuous sacrifice of every and all

putting oneself on a shelf ~

when you don't love yourself

you can't love someone else

any how  ! ~

In my shock and disbelief

she said as she wound down

and confusion and PAIN

and familiar familiarity

and depressed beyond belief

I simply stayed with the enemy

so I knew where he was !

and he did it again

and then again

And you ? . . . . .

You must be like HOUDINI

too ~

freed-up

finally

to find some love

and forgiveness

for  YOU

you must be

cuz you're here . . . "

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from The VORTEX

On Algebra

Insulated in

offices

of higher learning

~where the left hand is

unfamiliar with the right~

are comfortable chairs

filled with comfortable folks

giving comfortable

advice

When tests of

placement

result in error and

should have been 06O

for Algebra

but said 090 instead

and no one knows

til five weeks later

the student pays or

has to drop

with consequence ~

For a mistake

he did not make

this will affect financial

aid and put on academic

probation

an innocent person

who pays dearly already

for his education

and hundreds every semester

just for books ~

Are you all crazy ?

the student asked

I did not do this to myself !

It was your deal to put me in

Algebra 090 from the first

When we discovered that I

was drowning

in Algebraic formulas

it was according to your deadline

too late ~

So if I drop it

for 060

you want my money

right now today

If I can't pay it

I get no math class

which will put me on probation

with financial aid !

Are you all crazy ?

he said too loudly

I could hear him

clear down the hall

I pay good money

for this abuse !??

You are the dumb shits

after all !

It took twelve phone calls

for your conclusion

and not one sees

just where

it's wrong !

I came to you

for higher learning

and you're the dumb shits

all along ! . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

The Edges

Maybe on the very edges

oratory wins

Maybe when we all mature

youthfulness begins

Maybe on a sharp decline

I will show up too

Maybe on the very edges

I can see this through

Maybe on the very edges

if you truly call

you are my comedic center

only

after

all

no freedom there

to

fall

from the edge

when and if you

maybe . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

Party Blind

It's a wonder we

ever woke up

so drunk

disorderly

as if order came

with the twelve - pack

trips

and frequent hits

from whatever pipe

the blind handed to the

same kind

misfits

"Everybody parties"

the young say

nowadays

That is what we said

then

while those who don't

( and yes, they exist )

were watching

us - amazed

We insisted we're having

fun, no harm done !

Heaving guts in the

morning

dented fender

last night

while we drove

with three lines in the

street and other drunks

helping from the back seat

as we solemnly swore

not to darken the door

of the bar

EVER AGAIN

until the next time

when we paid

yet again - for

the calamitous end

of black-out partying

blind

Doesn't everyone ?

we cried

and justified

and lied

about the dent

and spent the rent

bargaining with God

o'er the porcelain flush

tasting rust

and ridiculousness

for lunch

if we "came to"

that soon

It's hard to

get up before noon

when the party

lit up by the moon

came and went

with a dent

from the craze

in the haze

of the animals partying

blind

" Just pour it down the john

and quit being the middle man "

quoted the crusty old

long-sober drunk

tapping his ivory cane

" You're stupid, boring and

incessantly glum, then you drink

and put a personality on

with your tail sticking out

from under the couch - like

my dog - thinks he's hiding

from me - tee hee !

If you keep drinking on

you'll become sick and wrong

and perhaps even blinded

by

alcohol

like me " . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

The Chaos of Maybe

May or may not

it might just be

hot

perhaps you'll show up

or you won't

Since we don't know for sure

then we can't lock the door

and you then will show up

if we do

saying R.S.V.P.

you forgot

snot !

The vaguary of your

non-committal

goes unnoticed by those

who use your nomenclature

in turn

I've learned

Words like maybe and

probably and if

and perhaps and

depending

and might

are the identifiers

in communicado

with false bravado

that is sure to bring

chaos to life

At best you will just

be left hanging

like a selfish man's sex

in the night

So listen more closely

for the chaos of maybe

perhaps, and we'll see

if,  and might

and then ask for decision

and a clear E.T.A.

and prepare for a possible

fight

Artful dodging ensues

at the threatening news

of request for a real

no or yes

and the dodger is practiced

evades at all costs

levitating as if in

mid-air

with no care

for your energy, time

or peace of mind

leaving chaos behind

which you then must

unwind

All completely avoided

if you listen real close

exercising your choice

to believe the words of a

liar

one more time

or not . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

Tornado Head

There's a spot in

my hair

that's just like

my life

A spiral - shaped pattern of growth

at the top right corner of

my head

In the middle of

tornado traffic

is a quarter inch

eye

and the fierce funnel

lays wide open

for all the world too

see

in its favorite flat

position

When attempt is made to

curl or cajole

or permanently wave

the eye

of the tornado insists

it will not follow

its newly

designated shape

cooperating briefly

until

once again returning to its

original position

one it is not

unsure of

at all

twisting even tighter

for the attempt ~

The eye of the

tornado's

calm center

unlike the maelstrom

whirlwind

chaos

eddy

of the VORTEX

is not alone in the hair

on my head

Three other twisters

just like it

spin and insist

and do not well

meet

in the middle ~

Quite a challenge

when

combing my hair

and they all don't

get along

My life was a

whirlwind

like the ones in

my hair

and controlling cajoling

isn't

what changed things there

Finding love and

mercy

for all that was

wrong

even my hair

began the steps out

of chaos

and a spirit of

understanding

redemption

acceptance

appreciation

affection

lives in the

eye

of the

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

it's much calmer there

There's not much to be

done about the tornado hair

however . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

One for the Blockhead

Mine must seem

a strange life ~

one where everything

is open for

discussion

I believed you

when you said

what you said

then, said you

did not

Then - Oh no - wait

you don't remember saying

what you said

Does everyone have

Alzheimer's

or is it a

Liars Club ?

The point is

I believed you

at your word

because you can

take me

at mine

I have nothing to

lose

being honest with

you

Why lie

when the truth will

work ?

"Fuck THAT" - Sarcastica

I live in a world

where there isn't

anything

"WE WON"T TALK ABOUT"

me and my

company ~

no problem that does not have

solution

So unnecessary to go

behind your back

when I can

tell your face

but you're too chicken to

put it in front of me ~

If you want bullshit

you'll have to talk

to someone else

This does not mean

truth

is dispensed without

discretion and

great care

Without love

truth is

just another weapon

Without checking for

the reason why

you let it fly

and it's

circling

home to you ~

DUMB SHIT !

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

You Beat !

So

you win

you beat

you're the best

just look at you !

no one does it

like you

We are just slugs

compared to

you

You're so cool !

Way to go +++++

you're the ONE

in the know

with the

latest and the

biggest

brightest

best

of all

show

Your stuff is

just

incomparable

though you can't see

in your

comparison

journey

it's okay if

I'm different

than

you

When you win a

blue ribbon

for getting "it"

first

just remember

desperate and

greedy

are you

at your worst

Never mind those

you

trampled

on the way to

the top

just a means

to an end

you're so focused

and HOT !

When other people say

"OUCH"

you don't stop

GOTTA WIN !

The same drive

on the golf course

you play on your

wife in the kitchen

OH - she's leaving ?

well, you'll probably

WIN

in divorce court or

something like that

GOTTA WIN !

I asked one

so afflicted

"What is there to WIN?"

and she stammered and

stuttered

didn't know what

to say

She thinks

her competitive nature

is the only right way

But if I've got

one

she's got three

and if I've been there

twice

she's done it at least

a dozen times

It is hard to

converse

with one such as this

She's the first one

in line

front and center

And fuhget about

relating with comfort

and ease

her agenda devoid

of a thank you or

please

GOTTA WIN !

And the golfer's entitled

wife

received a settlement

Lots of money that he

tried to hide

cuz he's such a nice guy

and brought his sick competition

with him

years later

to my table where

because he must WIN

he can never be

wrong

So

so long

Go Golfing

PLEASE

So I told them both

NO

you will both have to go !

WE are not on the

same page

at all

I grew up among

athletes

with their ribbons and

trophies

among Converse and

gym shorts and

Pom - poms

Way back then

I looked up

from a book

at what people

pursued

all around me

wondering what there was

to WIN ?

much ado

in the din

good sportsmanship lost

in the shuffle

and their LOSS

produced tantrums

and snuffles

and re-doubling

their efforts to

"beat the guy"

next time

WHY ?

I prefer to be besting

my personal

self

never having to

prove it to you

There's no game

to win

competition's a bore

something I

abhor

A major cause of the ills of

the world

The advice of a life-long

athlete

when asked regarding

young sons

wasn't baseball or

soccer or

all that he'd done

simply

"Give children a violin"

So the golfer is gone

to the golf course

to prove something

he has yet

to find

and the rude former friend

who competes to the end

bought a house

and moved in

down the street . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

I've seen every Color

Eyes

Iris like

fingerprints

each

unique

I've seen every color

known to man

looking back at

me

Left eye reveals

truth

The right eye's vision

obscured

by its own version

and will not see what

it does not want to

be

" The eyes are the windows

to the soul "  someone said

Peep - hole to the

rarely soul - less

Sainthood lives in some

left eyes

and occasionally

one

where nobody's

home

Mountains, valleys

craters and

stripes

Feathers

and layers and

rays of the Sun

Patchwork and cubist

matte and

flat

and sometimes the right and left

are not the same color

Some eyes are missing

replaced with

glass orbs

and some iris are

oblong

and not perfectly formed

and some eyes

fairly glitter

and almost make

a sound

Some are hooded

some surprised !

Too many

melancholy ~

Most are working

some do not

Helen Keller is HOT !

Not P. Hilton

whose right eye

is right

now

learning

a lot ~

My own left eye

is dominant

according to Optometry

and I should also be left - handed

from the same expert eye- guy geek

The matte cool green

( from my Mother )

background

is overlayed by

a

   golden

         sunburst

At the bottom of both circles

are 33 1/3  at a quarter of the pie

electric blue

irregular stripes in my

green and golden eyes

No brown is found

though it said so

on my drivers license

many years ago

when I didn't know

my self so well

This revelation brought

fascination

for the artwork in

the eye

and profound quest for truth

and in whose eyes it's

found

Some have eyes of russet

some are M and M's

and some are lazy and

won't track with the other

late into

the night

Some eyes glint with

fight

insanity

upon closer

inspection

And lots of men have lashes

girls only dream about

Some eyes have drooping lava lids

and need to tuck

real soon

along with crepeing neck

My favorite of the

landscaped eyes

is simply just a speck

And truth is speckled in

some folks eyes

not viewed in black and white

situationally

Some right eyes are

clouded

and frequently scoff

at left - eyed wisdom

calling it right - eyed

lies

instead

I have light - colored eyes

made to see in the dark

and to the "other side"

My ancestors lived

far north of

the Equator

the Sun I love is

harsh and hard

but my Third eye see

your right eye clearly

and KNOWS !

And I've seen

every color

pattern

ornament

design

by now

and some are

left eye blind

Looking back at me

all iris art

and levels of

honesty

and insanity

and attendent spewing forth

of varigated truth

Some asking me to co-sign

their right-eyed

wrong

discourse

not knowing

deceit and I

got a divorce

My Third eye replies:

If you want bullshit

you'll have to talk

to somebody

else . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

If You Run With Dogs . . .

Good evening All !!!

Domestic Violet back on the site.

So sorry for the delay, but I've been busy gathering data

Here is a piece of work I did not write:

One night in late October

when I was far from sober

returning with my load, and manly pride

My feet began to stutter

so I lay down in the gutter

and a pig came near

and lay down by my side

A lady passing by was heard to say ~

" You can tell a man who boozes

by the company he chooses. "

And the pig got up and slowly

walked away . . .                         

Author unknown

    -  1800's  -

***************************************************

Domestic Violet Writes:

When I was Little Vi, My grandfather said to me, "If you run with dogs, you get fleas." I did not understand this on the day he imparted such wisdom; it would come slowly - the real meaning - and painfully - the ability to recognize canines in human suits. I was standing with a group of my friends when he made this simplistic, yet powerful statement. I was busy getting fleas - could not really "hear" him then. I was about to transform from child to "The Wild Child." I was twelve. My friends were just as oblivious to his wisdom - so much they did not know they had just been insulted. They were twelve, too. And some would grow up to be criminals, and none are still my friends. I have not seen them in many, many years. I left my home, never looked back. The pig in the poem had the good sense to get away from the offensive one. Not me. I left home with fleas, and found more in my travels. Why? I thought everyone THOUGHT like me, and also would not hurt me, like I would not hurt them. Naively,  I lived for many years with the notion that "if you are nice to people, they will be nice to you." BULLSHIT!!!!!   

It ain't necessarily so. ( Ain't is always used facetiously throughout ) Today I don't run with dogs! No treatment for "fleas" is needed that way. No games, no lies, no black eyes. I take none and I give none. No ' Naivete ' - which means the illusions are gone . The ones that steered me wrong; into the path of an oncoming fist - illusions prompting me to risk. My life. Gamble with the Gift. I confine my gambling now to the occasional casino, or a kitchen poker game. I am a good gambler, because I'm not afraid to lose. When living one's life, gambling could (as opposed to should, which usually sends most of us into rebel mode) be kept to a minimum for a desirable outcome.

Courtesy really is the lubricant of life

unfortunately it does not work

on sqeaking wheels needing grease

I believe credit should be given where it is due. I will give to the dogs, their due. Some folks are not going to be happy - no matter what you do. And some are looking to just mess with you. If you think they are not, you are kidding yourself. Naively believing that other people think like you do, if you happen to be a genuinely decent person, the idea will be hard to break, may take your whole life to learn, may take your life while your learning it. So, for today I simply want to say it is good to be back on the typepad, and I'll not stay gone so long - I have much to report. If even one life is saved - I will not stop telling the stories of

                   DOMESTIC VIOLET and THE FLOWER Girls

Stayed tuned!

Really most people are essentialy good

but I said to my abuser -

" When you can HIT  your sister

your daughter, and your Mother

then, you can hit me! "

and then he beat me up for saying it . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi  #$*&%$

Survivor . . . FROM THE VORTEX