Domestic Violet

Today's Dr. Phil . . .

focuses on

the disintegration

of a marriage -

assisted by the Economic

meltdown !

A distraught

disbelieving

depressed wife

describes his red-faced

rage

and says her husband

becomes delusional

when

upset -

believing she and others are

" out to get him " -

calling her names that

" we can't say here !!! "

I am familiar with

her description -

like being in a cage with an

angry Orangutan !!!!!!

There is nothing worse than

a fit

thrown by a grown Man !

When it is pointed out that

her husband is " ashamed and embarrassed "

and mad at himself -

for being unable to

fulfill his role as

PROVIDER -

outwardly he displays

whenever

however

wherever he likes -

the internal

 " ICK "

that is is plight -

soul - sick

pathetic

suffering

and his wife

" gets that "

and immediately

feels compassion -

saying - " Oh how horrible that would be ! "

She does not want him to suffer -

no matter what he did to her !

And this brought tears to her eyes

and mine too -

remembering the time -

a moment still fresh as

yesterday -

the instant I knew

the abuser in front of me -

abusing me for a long time by then -

I finally knew

it was all about HIM -

coming from his insides -

not mine !!!

And I knew it

clearly

for the very first time

and then I

left

and I haven't been

hit by a fit-throwing Man

since !!!!!!!

That is not to say I have no part !

C'mon now !!!!!

You know better than that !

You have one too -

right ???

I am sure of it !

As for me I am sure

I did not know how to NOT

fight -

born into a battleground -

and it took a lot of

WORK

to turn that around -

meanwhile I was unaware early on -

that Men felt much at all -

so convincing were they in

covering

callously

seamlessly it seemed -

chrome parts and

no hearts -

from what I could tell -

with no need to

vent

express

or behave from their

emotions !

Only girls have that !

Right ?

Yeah - we are just a bundle of

one ridiculous impulse after another -

are we not ???

H'mmmmmmmmm ??????

Maybe sometimes -

until we're NOT -

and we are abused

by infantile Men -

until we're NOT !!!!!!!

 In the case of Dr. Phil's guests

there is more hope than not -

maybe now they can go home

after telling the world -

have some honest dialog -

and kiss and

make-up !!!

In my case/cases -

too much damage was done -

and HONEST dialog is not a strong suit for

most EVERYONE

and surely seldom happened

with the Men I loved -

and  " balance " as Phil points out -

is what it's all about !

" When you are the PROVIDER and do not support your family

in every  way -

spiritually

emotionally

physically  . . .

you are to PROTECT them " !!!

AHHH - it does my heart good to hear

a Man tell this to another Man !

I have been saying this for years !

And why do Men have to be told to be a GOOD MAN ?

Perhaps the husband grew up in a

war zone too

and thinks this is what you do !!!

I did not ever think violence was right

though I saw it day and night -

but it did not keep me from harm

or from harming -

like when I had to

run for my life finally -

and this was seen as harmful to abusive

delusional types -

who blamed me for their

lack

of restraint and

self-esteem

and anything else they could

throw at me

to attack and distract focus from their

own insecurities -

and my part is that

I was willing to settle for that !

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

Another episode of . . .

Domestic Violence

and it's unnecessary

roughness -

on today's Dr Phil

where a Husband tells his Wife

when they fight -

" No wonder the other Men in your life

abused you ! "

But

he says this to

justify

his viciousness

insecurities and fear -

pain he

transfers

to her if he can -

and he is right

that she -

in the past -

picked other mean Men

just like him

but he is wrong

that she is responsible

for his violence toward her !

The most ignorant statement

ever said to me -

Domestic Violet -

was  " The Men in your life beat you up

because of

YOU ! - because of how you are " !!!???

and this from a FEMALE !!!

God/Goddess Love Her - that she doesn't know any better !

How sad that she or anyone believes this when

anyone with a brain engaged

knows

that no one is in charge of the attitudes and

ACTIONS of another !

WE all have CHOICES !!!

And when a Man CHOOSES to become brutal

with a Woman -

it isn't going to fly that

" she said something he didn't like " !!!!!

When Dr. Phil's guests

express

the pistol-waving episodes

and how he calls her

ugly names -

incessantly putting her down

and won't let her out the door when she tries to

get away -

I remember well the hell of

too many days of my life -

so she lives -

like I did

in the depressive Domestic Violence

abyss -

a place I DO NOT MISS at all -

being told

over and over for years

that she is a piece of shit !

And her real crime is that she

believes it eventually

if she didn't already -

and he puts her

down

because that is how he feels about

himself !

Goddess/God Love Him - he needs HELP !!!

But this is not to say that she does NOT -

and this is precisely what

Domestic Violet and The FLOWER Girls

is all about !

Battered Women -

most who were abused as children -

require as much work to CHANGE

as WHOEVER perpetrated  Violence

against them !!!

Dr. Phil says -

" Either you can sit on the bench like a couple of

slugs . . . feeling sorry for yourselves 

or you can get in the game and do this right " !!!

The Men I picked

WERE NOT INTERESTED IN

DOING THIS RIGHT !!! - F.Y.I.

Not at all !

And I picked them from

a familial place of pain !

Phil says a Husband's role

in a marriage should be -

Provider

Protector

Leader

Teacher

WOW !!!!!!!!!!!

I'm here to tell you that

NONE of these ever happened for me -

save one husband who

went to work fairly regularly

for a few short years of my life -

but then he had to keep his

vices supplied !

I have PROVIDED

for myself much better than

any Man ever has -

and PROTECTING me was

NOT what they were doing

when they bloodied my nose and broke my bones and

spirit -

LEADING me to the gates of HELL -

expecting me to follow their

dumb ass

off the edge of the cliff they were

walking toward -

but they

TAUGHT me well -

ultimately -

TEACHING me to find my

worth -

showing themselves and their

sickness

in their abuse and harsh treatment -

and such great TEACHERS they were -

God/Goddess LOVE THEM - I am grateful

that I like myself just fine today

and no longer live that way -

so if

YOU are a Battered Woman

and have been told  ". . .  it's all your fault " -

just remember you can

CHANGE your life -

but first you have to CHANGE your

thoughts !

Finding your mind

is a good place to start

and I know it is difficult

to think your own thoughts

with so many fearful control freaks

around -

but when you rearrange your thought-life

with the truth

regarding YOU and HIM and what all Y'ALL are doing -

then you might stand a chance at

saving your life - and the lives of

your children -

if that is indeed what you want to do    ! ? ! ? !

I suggest using any and all manner of

self-repair out there

to support your fading self-esteem -

by this I mean what WORKS for you -

I AM NOT YOU and what 

" WORKS " for you may not work for me !

At your disposal are -

12-Step programs

and prayer and meditation -

exercise and education -

support groups of ALL kinds

and shelters for BATTERED WOMEN and YOUR CHILDREN -

with laws in place that make

Domestic Violence a punishable crime !

I realize however

you may need to get beat up

a couple more times

before you're

READY

to CHANGE your mind !!!

I also hope you get to live

long enough to

decide !

GODDESS/GOD LOVE YOU Ladies!!!!

So I keep writing at the risk of

repeating -

I persevere to share

there is HOPE and help  " out there "

now -

much more than 20 years ago -

and definitely more than

the 50's era from whence I've sprung -

where DOMESTIC VIOLENCE was hidden in the

" Family Business " - not to be taken  " outside " -

and I subscribe to the the basic premise Dr. Phil shares

routinely with his guests who are usually in some kind of

DENIAL -

" You cannot change what you will not acknowledge " -

but we still live in a world that

" blames the VICTIM " for what befalls them -

reminding of a conversation with a Curmudgeon

who lives " out in the shed " to the west -

when I complained of the Cottonwood cotton plague each June -

choking me and perennials to death -

and the large prolific Cottonwood leaves falling

in the Fall -

 

prompting me to rake and bag and rescue -

for too many days of my years -

and to this he said -

" It was You

was it not -

who planted perennials requiring rescue ? " -

as if the AMOUNT of

cotton and falling leaves would be

LESS somehow

if I had not ?????????????????

" Oh FUCK THAT - he's just a typical infantile blockhead -

playing the blame game like most everyone else !!!! " - Sarcastica

Yes - thank you Sarcastica - I am aware of that !!!!

Pardon me for getting an "A" in LOGIC 101 -

but I'm probably WRONG

for needing to breathe too ?

Pity the fool !!!

If you are getting beat up

by a Man or anyone for that matter -

leave if you can -

break-up your unhappy home

so your children won't have to be

FROM one -

and look for up-coming post: The Getaway Bag

where I will outline a plan to help you

safely go -

but

you need to know

whatever your move  -

the one you will need to be

working on is

you !

Domestic Violet and The FLOWER Girls

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

 

 

" You are the leader . . .

you are looking for " . . .

I heard as I tuned to Oprah

a bit late today -

and I heard Maria Shriver say again -

" You are the leader . . . " -

quoting someone whose

name I did not catch ~

Oprah's guests include

Gloria Steinem ( 70's First Feminist )

and Billie Jean King -

who beat the tennis pants off Bobby Riggs in 1968

and opened the gate for Women in sports today -

which gave us Title 9 -

funding for equality for Women in colleges

for the first time !

" In sports " she said  " you have to

give your all -

the integration of

body

mind

and soul "

and pressure is a good thing

said the tennis champion -

YES - if you are a diamond !!!

 Pressure is a Privilege -

is the title of a book she wrote -

" When the ball comes to me

I have to make a

decision -

and live with the

consequences " -

A " metaphor for life " said Billie Jean

and I know what she means by

" decision " !

I can still see the ball coming at me

when my sisters put a racket in my hand

and taught me to

hit a tennis ball -

" Move your ASS !!!! "

they screamed and

" keep your eye on the ball !!!! -

( where is it again ? )

" RUN " they shouted

repeatedly

until I learned to

see it -

decide  -

and decide to

volly the ball -

just to shut them up !!! -

and once in a while -

they had to run !!!

Thank you - Billie Jean

for opening so many doors for Women !

" You are the leader you are looking for " -

Oprah said this time - quoting someone whose name

I did not catch

again -

and it occurs to me

I have NEVER been looking

for a

leader !!!!!!!!!!! -

a good partner was my

focus - perhaps

and so far it's been

thumbs down and a

poke in the eye

instead -

and I realize I perhaps did not know

how to be one in the past -

a good partner that is -

but I have been

inspired

tremendously

by these ladies

throughout my mostly single -

with brief marriages in between -

life !

" If you're part of the

wrong group -

nothing you do is

right -

so you may as well do

what you want " -

said Gloria Steinem

YES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No shit !!!!!!!!!!!

Amen !!!

She married the first time at age 66 -

three years later her husband died -

and she said of her unmarried

decades -

" I discovered I was happy -

with myself and

Men -

just Not ONE ! "

YES !

". . . and hormone change is a

wonderful thing ! " . . .

" that part of the brain -

no longer obsessed with

SEX -

is now free for

OTHER things ! "

YES !!!

YES !!!!!!

YES !!!!!!!!!

Thank Goddess/God Shua Buddha Isis

for

" Older " age and

Menopause !

Steinem learned the difference between

sadness and

depression

when her husband died -

depression - she said

is when nothing matters and

sadness is when everything matters

and

YES !!!

Thank you Gloria for  " taking the hits "

and  Billie Jean for  " keeping your eye on the ball "

for equality for all Women !

And though I learned to

follow

the ball -

I never learned to

keep score -

a competitive bore -

finding solace instead

in my own

personal

best -

and something about

not looking

to be

led . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

 

 

Extreme Moms today . . .

on Dr. Phil -

to paraphrase in summary -

" When smothering the children with

undue control -

the REBELLION

comes strong and swift . . .

they then make bad decisions . . .

when you give a teen no space

to grow and change -

no latitude to experience

cause and its effects -

you imply that they are

inadequate -

this does not create

confident adults ! "

" NO SHIT !!!!!!! " - the Wild Child Domestic Violet

Extreme Moms use the

control card

to assuage their own

anxiety

while stunting the growth

of the child/children -

and from where I'm standing

it's all for show -

to let the neighbors know -

and those who keep ALL Moms

under the heat of microscopes -

" She's doing it right !

Look she's such a Good Mom ! "

But what Extreme Moms don't know

is that their child

if/when allowed

to go  -

experience life -

just may have done it

right !!!!!!!! . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Mom Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

" Insecurity is . . .

the inability

to ever say

NO ! " - Rabbi Schmuley Boteach said

in recent OPRAH episode

where he illustrated

solutions to some problems

in parenting ~

" If you are teaching children

insatiability -

nothing will ever be

enough " - he declared

and I agree !

Don't we all know

the spoiled people -

the ones who after

"getting" their way

repeatedly -

want more more More More MORE !!!

It was better that I had no

large sums of money

when my children were small -

I might have

ruined them all ! - Mom Vi ~

By not working 2 jobs -

so one of them could pay for childcare

( DO THE MATH ! ) -

and by being an at home Mom

when the babies were small -

I was choosing financial hardship -

one that was a POSITIVE

controlling factor in the end !

I was unable to spoil my children -

feeling badly with every

- NO - however

in response to their

endless requests

and my only consolation -

instinctively -

intuitively -

was in knowing that

later in life

they would learn the reward in

" YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT " !!!!!!!!

Children who seldom experience the

- NO -

who are " given things

to make up what they lack " -

( see post: Other People ) -

who are parented out of

guilt -

are a mess as adults

and insatiable -

never satisfied

no matter what or how much they

receive -

never learning

to deal with delay in

immediate gratification !

Parents allow themselves to be

badgered

intimidated

manipulated

by their kids

in fear of conflict and rejection -

" purchasing the children

and their love " - the Rabbi cited

" We think love is an emotion -

a good feeling one that is not found

in conjunction with the bad feeling of

commanding respect -

of " checking " the bad behavior

when our Primary Parenting Job

is to provide Unconditional Love

and boundaries ( discipline )

with immediate consequences !

You cannot give rules

without

inspiration -

and children are closely in tune with their

conscience !

Do not require A's and B's

or great and large deeds

from your children

in order to deem them

worthy of your love " - Schmuley Boteach said

In the Bad Parent/Good Parent

War -

there are parents who

are quite sure

they are the " Good " kind

based on the $$$ spent

catering to the child -

compared to so-called

" Bad parents " who perhaps

have a more realistic view of

their responsibility !

Indeed there are truly

shitty parents out there -

providing little emotional support -

guilty of neglect in the

extreme !

I'm not referring to parents who

take time away from their brood -

I mean the kind who fail to

provide even adequate

shelter

safety or

food !

The kind who selfishly

use the children as a

human shield

for their own inadequacies

are more prevalent than not

and most have

transferred

to their children

the need  " they " had

for what they never got !

If you felt deprived

as a child

it is possibly why you try

to make up for your lack

by spoiling your child and

taking their

flack !!!!

And we call this

LOVE ? . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Mom Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

Again / Dr.PHIL and Danny . . .

At no time were any of my

children

in the company of both parents

as a couple

past the age of three

yes

let that sink in ~

read it again . . .

and get back to me

MOM VI ~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Danny Bonaduce

Hollywood's child - actor

not yet grown up

perpetual

Bad Boy

has a nice wife

and two children

he has been trying to

get rid

of

for 17 years

with his need for negative

attention

from his endless

bad behavior

He has finally succeeded ~

an 'Oscar" please

for Danny !

Gretchen wants a divorce

finally

Good job, Danny

boy !

Would someone please

give him a part in a movie

or something

so he'll have

constructive endeavor

and something else to do

besides dragging his children and

wife through it all

and ending up on Dr. PHIL

again ?  PLEASE ?

I've been his wife and

I've been his child

and its no fun

for sure

no matter how much the

kids say they adore him

life is scary when

your Daddy or Mommy or

your husband or wife is a bad

bad boy/girl !

" Children would rather be

from a broken home than to

be in one " ~

said the good

DR.PHIL

He must have asked

enough of us to know !

Those of us from

broken homes

who know

firsthand ~

My home was broken

when I was very young

It broke me as

it was breaking

but I took note

and decided early in my life

to never make a child of mine suffer

by seeing their parents

who created them

" in Love "  

hurting each other

night after night

after night

after night ~

So when things were not

RIGHT

I made it stop

early in the lives

of my babies

and any time after that

too

ending anything and everything

sooner than later -

anything that was WRONG for too long

And I was absolutely

correct in the end

though some would disagree

and say I should have "stayed" -

remained in the dis-eased

ordeal for LIFE

like a sentence

for the

SAKE OF THE CHILDREN !

Now let that settle in ~

and go back to the

top

and read it again . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

FEAR on Oprah ! . . .

. . . today's epic topic

brings stories of survival

and death and near-death

Expert on these crimes -

Gavin De Becker is Oprah's guest

and he says -

At core level

Men fear Women will

laugh at them !

At core level

Women fear Men will kill them !!!!!!!!

Wow !

How different we are

at a core level and

I have never heard anyone

say it ( a fear I could not name most of my life )

until today  !

Gavin explains

in his book

" The Gift of Fear "

We ALL have INTUITION -

like I've mentioned in previous posts

and he points to intuition as being

the difference between life and

death

- if you listen to it - !!!

He mentions that " denial is a serve - now

pay - later scheme -

a contract written in small print

when

in the long run

the denying person knows

the truth

on some level

and it causes a

constant

low grade ANXIETY " !!!!!!!!!!!

NO Shit ! - Sarcastica

He goes on to say that being nice

or not nice enough

is not why WOMEN are

raped

beaten

  murdered

by Men ~

It is what we are taught

that gets us beat-up -

told by the World and even by other

girls

to be

passive

compliant

accommodating

( Do It  HIS/HER/Their WAY and

you won't get

hurt

little girl -

especially if you are

THE wife ) -

the message to US

over the millenia ~

The main " gift of Fear "

is the first feeling you get in a situation -

and when " second guessed "

has brought countless Women

to death !

The first spark of

hesitation

reservation

- ignored -

allows danger in the door

for Women and Men alike !

Commonly survivors say

" they knew "

somewhere inside

when expressing what happened

" right before " being attacked

by those fortunate enough to  

tell it  " after the fact  "  . . .

Too many are statistics

and not all survivors feel

fortunate

to be left to

live with it . . .

but

some of us

are Domestic Violet and The FLOWER Girls -

and we insist that some

goodness comes from negativity  - fuckin' please ! - S.S.Cyclamen

Pretty please ! - Rosy Rose and

Come on now - lets make it better ! - Morning Glory

and some of our experience and

new levels of awareness

have shown us that

" the gift of FEAR "

- gone unrecognized -

( when some girls are busy trying to be tough guys )-

got us into Domestic Violence

usually more than once

while trying to be so

Nice  !!!!!! . . .

FUCK THAT !!!!  -   sweetSARCASTICACyclamen  here !!!!

Now now Cyc - calm down so you can hear

your inner voice

dear !

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

Dreams or Swords . . .

. . . in poet Amy Lowell's

words

about the power of WORDS

to harm or heal -

and with great humility

Dr. PHIL amended his

alleged harmful behavior today

publicly telling the world

regarding an attempt to help

( Oh God make it stop ! )

Britney Spears and her family ~

What hope is there for Brit

when even he cannot  " say it right "  or

" do it right " enough for everyone ?

But it was right of him to

apologize for his part

and not the rest

and to set the matter straight -

and this led into today's topic

- gossip and its danger -

and teenage girls who threatened to kill a girl

in revenge and anger

mentioned in detail

online

and a lawsuit ensues over powerful words

because of course

whenever and wherever we can prosecute

in our inside-out spiritually bankrupt out of balance

legalistic patriarchal world

we must -

which led nicely into Oprah today and

it's Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s day

and his DREAM lives on -

the one where     " people do not judge each other

by the color of their skin

but rather for the content of their character "!

His message lives on and hope remains

that one day WE will be united as one people

who were ALL CREATED EQUAL under God

whatever you conceive God to be -

it makes no difference to me

and if you thought it did

you're wrong

and if you said you thought you knew

my mind and motivations

you were lying and spreading garbage around

like the two teenage girls and their really big mouthes -

but they have no history of violence

and have never been in a physical fight with anyone !

It was just their false bravado talking

yet hatred and fear abound

in the power of the sound

of words they said

but did not mean them  ???

" Why lie

when the truth will work just fine " ~ DOM Vi ~

One girl claiming instead they just tried to

scare the girl away from her boyfriend -

while the second girl had no personal beef

and was just taking up for her insecure friend

who

like most young women

is willing to go to any length

over a man !

And I wonder

what they really meant then -

if their character content

is what we should judge

but

how can we

unless and until they tell us the truth ?

Like the good Dr. PHIL and the hopeful contenders

in the race to run the U.S.A -

we have to choose

to believe what they say ?

It's a dreamy day of swords

when our Presidential campaign

is un-hopefully incongruous

like Congress -

a hazy spray of Peace and War

with Love so superfluous -

when it would be as lovely if

a Black man could win

as it will be when a Woman

finally does !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Either way we need a new day and

I don't care who becomes

our next President

just so the

right one does . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

About Sex ~ Oprah's guests are . . .

. . . very happily married !!!

What an anomaly in our world -

our divorce rates reflective

In today's episode on

SEX -

the young wife described

how the demands of children and work interfered

with their relationship

so she decided to

spice up SEX

with her sex-starved husband

and told us how !!!

Exhausted with two small children

I understand fully how

a Mommy who has babies

near or on her person all day and night

every day and night

when finally getting to rest

is not perhaps

wanting to be touched any more today

please !

But she decided to "extend herself past her former

boundaries for the

benefit and nurturing of another " !!!

She gifted her marriage partner with

a magnificent example of LOVE

by its finest definition ~

as she set about

after seeing an Oprah segment on

SEX some years before

to find intimacy at its finest

with her mate !

She greeted him with perfume and

nothing under the robe

exotic earrings in her lobes

She even learned to Strip

and she made a point of deliberately

initiating sex

every night for a week

which has continued for three years ~

and today they say their new level of intimacy

happens most every night still

with or without

but mostly with 

they said with a smile

the obligatory

intercourse  ahem !!!

Their discourse has become fantastically

friendly and touchy feely

and how happy they have become and so have

their children who are privileged to see

what  the  results have been

a real demonstration

of Love and Affection

warm and 

cushy like it

' SHOULD '  be

and ( ' should ' is not a word I use loosely ) !!!

They stopped snapping at each other

she said

Belly dancing proved irresistable

as she danced for her Man

un-announced

and he's LOVIN' IT !

So is she admittedly

and what's not to like

about a great SEX

life ?

I've had one

once or twice !

They are both wearing a contented glow

one that only lovers who love each other know  ~

I could only smile at this

remembering my nine year-old

" what do you want to be when you grow up ? "

little girl answer

I think I once said " Doctor "

which changed to " Stewardess '

the next nine year-old week

but among my future choices

I was secretly worshiping

Lili St. Cyr and Gypsy Rose Lee

and climbed fragile attic stairs

with a 45 rpm vinyl record and player

attached with an extension cord

under the attic door

to practice removal of my clothes

as an Art form

Really great strippers were adept at never showing it

ALL ~

" Green Onions " by

Booker T. and the M.G.'s

moved me 'round and 'round the hot dusty

attic

the only place I found where no one

was around and not likely to

show up either

and I just knew that when I was through

I could be a Stripper when I grew up !

This fantastic desire was not sexual

for I was only nine and knew

nothing much of sex at all

but I knew something of Passion

and Beauty by then and

had not yet learned to hate

my pre-pubescent body ~

The fantasy as I practiced

without a mirror

was somehow so different when

years later on the dance floor

of a "21" club

while bar-hopping with my also under-age friends

a real Stripper dangled  a  G - string

from the stage

in front of eighteen year-old me

motioning me backstage

inviting me to " put it on "

with pasties and to go out on stage

and do my stuff !!!!!!!!!

The Moment came

the one I just knew I was destined for

and nine years of practice later

I COULD NOT DO IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

after all !

OH NO ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was crushed when I could not even put the

" costume " on

but even in the attic I only pretended to

" take it off "

never actually removing my clothes at all !!!

I could not BARE my basically modest Self

to my own chagrined amazement

and later that year I got married too young

only to be getting undressed in the closet without

the lights on

confusing even to ME then !!!

Sex was somehow easier after a few

beers which proved a problem later

and I was extremely disappointed at

my reserve

without something to " get my nerve "

and since Stripping was out of the question

I assigned it as a property

that would ideally be present

if I were with the

" Man For ME " !

You know - the Mr. Right fantasy

To dance for the MAN

just one

just once

to be so safe and

free and liberated

has yet to happen

Instead of safety and freedom I was given

restriction and abuse and bullshit

to deal with so far

If I ever change my mind about

not having a man in my life

I just want someone I can

dance with, to, for, about

and won't settle for less now !!!!!!!!!!!

Ballroom Dancing anyone or

how 'bout a Boot Scootin' Boogie ?

I think that what Oprah's guests are

saying

is about Intimate Love that I'm seeing

shining from them both

so much bigger than the act of sex

alone

Bigger like Gypsy Rose Lee and Lili St.Cyr

I'm so glad I practiced

though it came to no fruition

an incredible Art form

meant for an audience of

none

so far

. . . two - three - four . . .

still twirling my baton

while dancing around with

no one here

I never became a Majorette

either but it

was never my goal

I just wanted to know how

two - three . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

Danny, Danny, Danny !

An hour with Dr.PHIL today and

Danny, Danny, Danny !

is all I can say

out loud ~

Bad Dog !!!!!

Danny Bonaduce

resident Hollywood

ultimate Bad Boy

and former or still

child actor

is PHIL's guest today

He's been there before

with Gretchen

his 'long suffering'

'finally over it'

'struggling to live with

his addictions'

wife

And she's DONE !

They're getting a divorce

She finally knows

'tomorrow will not be different'

she's finally

indifferent

and is moving on ~

Dr. PHIL says she is ready now

to go

and that " we are ready for divorce

AFTER we have done the emotional

work of resentment and anger

NOT while the fight's

still going on "

Ideally ~

Really ?

My life was smoking with

anger when I

finally told my own

resident BAD BOY

(whichever)

to go away !

and it sometimes took years to

become indifferent ~

PHIL sees Gretchen's

'nothingness' about it

as an indication

she's READY to go

that she has finally accepted

'tomorrow will not be different'

and will not be tempted to

return

and she mentioned the

Hollywood " SKANK "

that throw themselves

unabashedly at Celebrity

with no regard for marriages

or children therein

The young and lovely non-ladies

who parade their 'stuff'

before her sick husband's face

As the wife of more than one

musician

with various addictions

I can relate to this

phenomenon

and Danny's need for attention

from other women

is so strong that he once told her

" I'd bring a date to your funeral "

if she were to soon

pass on ~

And he repeated it to the world

today on Dr. PHIL !

WOW !

BAD DOG !!!!!!!!!

Run away Gretchen !

Run away !

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

Cosby and Oprah today

Martin Luther King

set into

motion

a thing that fell

to shit

for "some"

according to Bill Cosby

Oprah's guest today ~

Along with Alvin Pouissant M.D.

Cosby wrote

" COME ON PEOPLE "

People !

come on !!!!!!!

It fell too far

for decades now

into decadence

" HURT PEOPLE

hurt

people ! "

Bill Cosby had to say ~

Before the December day

Rosa Parks

would not get off

the bus

in 1955

she had already

had to walk to school

while the white kids had a ride

" The bus was among the first ways

I knew there was a black world

and a white world " the gentle

and brave Rosa had to say

Many many lives

were sacrificed

for Civil Rights

for ALL of US !

It is OUR result

WE did not TAKE CARE OF IT

all inter-woven

and connected ~

What happens to YOU

happens to me

too

And WE"RE a hurtin'

world

HURT PEOPLE

hurt people

Red White Black or Brown

Bill and Alvin wrote

" COME ON PEOPLE "

with ALL of US in mind ~

50 % of black males

are high-school drop-outs

The same percentage are Black

in the penitentiaries

and the children of

young Black men today

can plan on being

abandoned

from the start

The " DREAM "

of Malcolm X

and Martin Luther King

has come far from

where it began

and only come true

for "Some" ~

The rest are under bridges

and in tenement slums

Some live in 300 miles of

tunnels

under Las Vegas

1/3 of all homeless

are Black today

while gangsters rap the

N-word

on themselves ~

Stylin' rides and

appropriate colors

of loyalty

do not a

DREAMING make

taking lives

driving by ~

This is not just THEIR

problem

We are all in the same

desperate can ~

Thank God for the Grandmother's !

for the one who cared for a

ten year old

boy

when his Mother

and Brothers were

shot and killed

in his

presence ~

And how can YOU

think

it has nothing to do

with YOU ?

What happens to the least

of you

happens to the most

of you

too

to paraphrase the

BIBLE

one of many truths

I love ~

As this decay

among US

applies to

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

HURT people

hurt people

says it all best

giving proof

that

psychological

spiritual

physical

ABUSE

crosses all boundaries

of race creed and color

" begetting itself "

Right next door

he threw her to the floor

while you are reading

this

and another one

down the street

Now count to 4

and know for sure

child abuse is happening

and 4 seconds more

and another one dies

Come on PEOPLE

It's up to US !

Make it stop !

in everything you do

don't wait until it

touches you

That's Too Late !

If you ignore it

it will not GO AWAY !

I'm familiar with the sound

" I DON'T Want to

talk about it ! "

and that is why I DO ! ~

Oprah asks Bill Cosby

" Can We turn this around ? "

He quickly answers

" YES ! " . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

Ya gotta love Oprah !

Recently, after a long time sabbatical

from the T.V.

I was again amazed at

who shows up

on OPRAH !

This day it is

Annie Liebowitz

- famed photographer -

who began her family

alone

at 51

"It's never too late to

start a family" - she says

of her two small daughters

"Nothing can really prepare you

for it" (no kidding !)

"You get to grow up

all over again"

Apparently she has grown up

once already

I re-visit my childhood

in the company of children

all children

yours

mine

theirs

I learned everything

I will ever need to know

about life

from them ~

finally beginning to grow up

when the patter of

little feet

was gone

or rather

feet big enough

to leave the house ~

the sound returning

with grandchildren

At an age when most

of us

are becoming grandparents

Annie Liebowitz became

a mommie

I don't know what life is like

for one who lived

half a century

doing it sans

babies

by oneself

for oneself

And she doesn't know

childbirth and parenting

at 19

I was not so far from

childhood

when I gave

life

to my first

child

35 years later

I know now

how young I

was

and how young

I'm not

and then a six year old

hand will knock

on my door

to get hugs and

lolli-pops

and I remember

being six

and re-visit my

innocence ~

It's never too late to

have a happy childhood . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha

Today I have another 60 minutes "to stop all the doin "

y'all and

be

in front of the T fucking Vee

It's not my favorite screen anymore - so rarely do I partake

This time - it's the good  " voice of reason "

Dr. Phil

Phil opens with Maureen Mc Cormack

also known to those of us old enough

as Marsha Brady of the infamous Brady Bunch

a late 60's sitcom

In real time she has dealt with all manner of REAL life

including drug addiction and abuse

Not like the Marsha on the T fucking Vee

back in the day

The Brady Bunch were a blended family that

WORKED !

unlike most blending  and most families in

the real world

( only on T.V.)

and Marsha Brady - Jan's older sister -

was the epitome of perfection as far as Jan and

the rest of the family and her teachers and her

friends and her neighbors were concerned

"Marsha, Marsha, Marsha "- Jan was heard to say,

" everything is about Marsha !"

I am an eldest sister but that is where

any sort of identification with Marsha Brady ended for me.

She was everything I was not.

I was not blue eyed with a perfect blonde flip

my skin turned copper

with five minutes of sun

and I was way too tall and

gangly and awkward at times

I would never be a perky little

teenager with pompoms and a fan club

Much too morose was I

and so very introspective

intuitive, only

happy with a book

with no real interest in all that

anyway

but wishing for her blue eyes

and her storybook life

all the same

in some remote way

In the real world she

has had a real life with

real problems

Problems she has worked to overcome

and she is grateful for those things which

helped her become who she is

today

and I can relate to that

with that

all about that

I finally have something

in common

with

Marsha Brady !

How strange to see she's aged

right along with me

lived and loved through

the same things

and today is

comfortable in her own skin

like I'm happy with the

color of my eyes

I only thought I was

supposed to want to be like

Marsha Brady

and I wondered why I didn't

Marsha Brady is a character

played by Maureen Mc Cormack

who has lived through hell

in real time

and currently sought help from

Dr. Phil to intervene in her family

while her aging father is being

sequestered from all members but one

Her brother is taking the old man

for a ride

brainwashed and bamboozled

he is being isolated from concerned

family members

who he is convinced are out to harm him

Convinced by his son so he will

bequeath all $$$$$$ to him alone

Dr. Phil believes her

and is willing to help

despite her sketchy past

he believes in her and

her recovery

He describes the tactics used by abusers

to undermine, isolate, alienate all

support from family, friends

community

slowly, systematically

first by establishing Abusive Self

as central, as the POWER FIGURE

Once this idea is in place

well, then - of course

compliance will follow

The Victim learns from subtle or

not so subtle cues that

there will be

consequences for non - compliance

Now that everyone else has been eliminated

THE ONE uses threat of alienation of affection

as leverage

And convinces the Victim and anyone

else who will listen that

only

The ONE knows the truth

while all others are suspect

This is not an overnight matter

but can happen rather quickly if

the Victim is generally pre-disposed to

co-dependency already

Yes, I know

I was easily swayed by

abusive, controlling, megalo-mania types

until I wasn't anymore

When I realized they are scared, insecure

power - needy twisted folks

it became real easy to just say NO

like Marsha Brady - the good girl

we all counted on to say NO

to sex, and drugs, and rock and roll

Squeaky clean Marsha surely

would not go there !

Maureen and I did

and came out the other side

extraordinary

and brave

and honest about it

and free

to live the incredible

real life

and occasionally watch

the T fucking Vee

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

Ooooh, ooh, Oprah

~ Welcome ~

to a rare 60 minutes in my week

an opportunity

to stop

the

human doing

and see what Oprah has

today

She opens with ~ " This is your day !

If you are familiar with  DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

                           this day is for you "

The story of  Susan Still - survivor

               videotaped ---

     51 minutes of torture

Her SON  is  the camera - man

at his FATHER'S demand

repeatedly battered

THIS TIME  because she asked him what he would like

for

lunch  !      ( I've been beaten for similar crimes )

This Animal called her stupid

( a display of his STUPIDITY and extreme insecurity )

23 times in less than one hour

hurling vicious remarks I will not

dignify by reciting

as he battered her repeatedly to

fetal

on the floor

and the camera rolled

her own son's eye behind it

The  DERANGED  so-called Husband

and Father

repeated - "You follow ME to the T

to the  T 

You UNDERSTAND ME ???

YOU  _________ __ _SLUT !!!!!

and other such

" manly behavior "

I want to HURL ~~~

as the BLACK - EYED - SUSAN

is filmed  while being brutalized and dehumanized

and degraded

and some part of me reels

in FEAR 

with her

I don't just relate

I RELATE !

I remember

each BLOW !

just how she is FEELING

   as I re - live ASSAULT on

my PERSON

      But why ? ? ?

YOU  may question

' Why must you, Violet

look back still

yet - again ?

Back I am looking

facing  forward - this time

the last abusive man

long gone . . .

long time now

But only if I dare not

ever forget

where I came from

or I could go there

yet - AGAIN

I'm not obsessed with

that which has come and gone

just on a mission

( one of several at a time )

a simple mission really

going forward

never back

And, by the way

I never did    NOT finish

what I promised to be doing

not in a long, long time ~~~

Black - eyed - SUSAN 

and Women like US

are of great interest and concern

to ME

Who would I be

to be resurrected

and not pass it on ?

Now that IT'S  past

quite objectively

I can quote myself

and others - and get it right from the

FLOWER Girls  mouth

WE KNOW

the FLOWER Girls

and I

that IT'S  a bigger deal

than just getting rid of

THE OFFENDER

( if YOU are fortunate enough to LIVE to )

The pick of the FLOWERS

that make up the bouquet

were VICTIMS as sure as

the Black - eyed - SUE

and me

But - ARE NO LONGER !

and,  furthermore

have SEARCHED

OUR part

If not - they would

not appear

with ME

in the vase

from the start !

As I watch Susan Still  ( whose name

is obviously public knowledge )

battered to

fetal

on the floor

I FEEL THE HORROR

she knows

And part of me rises

wanting to scream out

Get UP !!!

Stand UP !

FIGHT BACK !!!!!!!!

but I know

SHE CANNOT

(not the same as will not)

She knows she cannot

so does HE

but she doesn't know why not

It was Sunday afternoon at the

Still house

What goes on for YOU ?

Susan's 13 year - old son

at his FATHER'S command

witnessed and participated in the torture and

attempted Murder of his  MOTHER !!!

Routinely !

to survive !

She stayed when leaving

posed an even GREATER

THREAT !

I have been further brutalized by

- "THE MAN " - for even suggesting

I should  LEAVE NOW

even worse if I said it should be HIM !

The real deal is that I was there

a second

time

as I TAUGHT HIM  the  first time  that he could

DO IT AGAIN

THIS THE RESPONSIBILITY

WE have all learned

WE - DOMESTIC VIOLET

and the FLOWER Girls

were grown in some harsh

conditions

Some soil was rich in some elements

but lacked many necessary things

Some environments were

UGLIER  than others

No matter the ' vary '

on the Man/Woman

thing

or families of origin

" How severe was it ? "

is the dumbest question

yet ~

And, like young Morning Glory Miss

on   " Why do women stay ? "

Only those EXISTING there

can know of what I say

The REST of you keep

wondering and judging

blaming and shaming

the VICTIM

with hubris hostility

Sure that YOU would

do it differently

YOU would never stay !!!

No MAN will ever do that to YOU !

Well, that's what I thought too

" Until you walk inside my shoes

you won't know what you will do "

chided Tiger Lily

" You won't know until it happens

to YOU "

WHAtEVER it is !!!!!!!!!!

Outside YOUR realm of

personal experience

is the area of

suspension of judgment

( Most don't know how to

suspend it )

It means - " Neutral "

like SWITZERLAND

NO opinion !

How can you have one

regarding that which you know

nothing ?

It doesn't work for ME

so MOSTLY  I  don't try

Have you somehow

in your lifetime

been spared the STING

of the SLAP ?

Who among us has been spared ?

NEVER  been smacked by a brother

or sister ?

how 'bout a neighbor or friend ?

or the BULLY on the way home

from school

WHO

Oooh . . . Okay ??!!??

Oh -   some have ?

That's more like it !!!

THE REAL WORLD !

where some of us know

unfortunately

what VIOLENCE is

first hand

And  HANDS somehow are always

involved

until it escalates

Gardenia's  story illustrates

In my fantasy the same hands that hurt me

would

fix me somehow

tomorrow

I'm sure of it

He'll - "TURN OVER A NEW LEAF "

The only thing he turned over was

another deal or another beer

or another girl

and eventually again

me

fetal

on the floor

Some WOMEN in particular

like our Black - eyed - Susan

who apparently  " said something he

didn't like ! "

and whose children had no CHOICE

but to HELP - for fuck sake !!!!!!!!

some of US

are fortunate to find

       new life and the ability to FORGIVE

ourselves for being THERE

THERE IS NO WAY TO FORGET !

It cannot be undone

and perhaps

eventually

we can forgive the abuser

for their RESPONSIBILITY

Peace to Susan

who wears a look in her eyes

I have seen in a mirror

LOOKING BACK . . .

Domestic Violet

( Forgiveness is the fragrance of the violet

~ on the heel of the shoe that crushed it ~ )

Semper Vi  ~~~~~~

Survivor . . from the VORTEX

The Appropriate Response

If you live long enough

your true nature

finds itself

and lets you know

Not the one you were made out

to be

but

the one you are

no need for external PERMISSION

no need for " what you're not " . . . . .

. . . . as Adults we are expected

to Rise ABOVE the level of Children !

              -  DR. PHIL  -

as he watched

so did I

the behavior of a Bullying father

one so immature he had to be told this simple truth

on National Television

while a camera in his living room

reeled off my life

One that's been a constant struggle to

overcome being dented by

The children were being scarred for life

as I watched

it touched mine

How could it not ?

I was touched by my

innocence

by theirs . . .

It is what

compassion

is about

Granted - children are unruly

who knows better than MOM Vi ?

but nothing is more frightening for a child

than realizing their parent is one, too

As he terrorized the children

leaving permanent wrents

I remember scents

the smell of fear

and nervous perspiration

salt from my tears

and applesauce smears on the baby's face

who doesn't know what is going on

and neither do I, but it's

happening again

in the life of little Vi

Rice cereal on the FlOOR !

which caused this great explosion

she said something he didn't like

as well

flinting it to flames

smoke curls up my nose

Crisis fire rages

There will be no peace for hours

no peace would come for years . . .

. . . sharp slices of static remain

for inhalation

and later when it's brought out

for re-examination

the whole damn thing blows up and

starts again

begetting the begotten who begot . . .

I turn the TV off

It would be deliberate manufacture

of my own misery

to watch a Bully any longer

It's why I don't like football

( ten thousand people sCrEaMing is not

my idea of fun, still, yet - again )

I don't like to see anyone get hurt

Familiar

with pain

I simply won't volunteer any more

There's the door . . .

and no need to puff up and

get big - myself

part of not needing " what you're not "

No will to raise my voice

in that fashion

saving my energy for more

altruistic matters

The Crisis fires of my Violet youth became

my Violet life

Another Bully,  in my bed

to feed my head with wrong

information about

me

as I believed the words of

a liar - one more time

and then he hit me, too

so he could feel

not so

small

and another Bully right after

that one

was even smaller

and broke my jaw

Another crisis, another trauma drama

U-haul Emergency

another stretch of single Vi-ness

Some other crises, another break - up

another bruise upon my eye

the one left damaged

with altered sight

forever

because I said something the bully

didn't like ?

And what would he do in a  REAL Crisis ?

Well, he cried on the lawn when 

I

left

And  - Dr. Phil -

expressed his outrage

as the Bully did the side-stepping

back-pedaling, after-the-fact cheap shot

evasive Bully Shuffle -

one I'm familiar with -

as his wife let out a snuffle

while I remembered now just why I

got divorced

as time heals and I forget

I had no choice by the time

  I had to choose

  -  it had to stop  -

It brings to mind the critical nature of my

previous posts - especially the  Global What ?????????

a scale of right proportion

for the appropriate

response 

the proper place for one's aggression

along with Domestic Violence and

WAR

and child abuse and Cancer

and other such HORRENDOUS atrocities

and things of MAGNITUDE and consequence

deserving of our ATTENTION

and precious Time and Energy !

Why then do we distract ourselves

in our mundanity

by finding   "A BIG FUCKING DEAL"

in one that is not

SO WHAT WOULD YOU DO IN A REAL CRISIS

when the Crisis fire is hot !

" Oh, that's just the way WE are, " will

              never never do

       for people on the Planet

or the ones in your living room

and bring your own food -

       while the fire is piping hot

   The Bully has need to do battle

       to somehow not lose to the " win "

That " competitive " force  re-directed

     could solve the ills

of the world WE live in

As ADULTS I believe it's expected

along with the good Dr. Phil

that we try by and by to pick battles

that matter

" what she said " doesn't rank at the top

when WE ALL on the Planet

together

face the same

burning up of the EARTH

Make it STOP !!!!!!

We aren't victims in this by along shot

volunteering with our " REMOTE " power

at a place where there's no turning back

now

The true VICTIMS are ambushed

like those in IRAQ

and the women in AFGHANISTAN

or by a child who's a bully

in the bathroom at school

like the children - minding their own

business at

COLUMBINE

as a MAN beats up his girl-friend

who has made her too fearful to leave

or a car is jacked by a thief

or the RAPIST with date drugs

or NOT

The real VICTIMS in this life are the

children and wives

who fear for their lives in the night

Other VICTIMS are born of confusion

and lies about what they are not

Some are born with their spines

in a knot

Some are born missing genes

with a syndrome called Downs

Some are born into Countries

that FIGHT

some are born with a brain

not wired right

If you're not one of those

then step down

from your outraged imagined

SELF  plight

and step UP to the plate

to maintain your nice life

RECYCLE because it is right

like  Respect and a two - way street

and be kind to your web-footed friends

for a duck may be somebody's  MOTHER !

" You apparently have no good BOUNDARIES "

Dr. Phil told the MAN and his Wife

" And while you doth protest, please just let me

      suggest

   you get out,  unless you do it right

No one has to put up with your

temper

No one has to put up with your fights

   Children HAVE TO  grow up with

a high self-esteem

and safety

for them to live right "

So, feel good about yourself as you

end the VIOLENCE

by not living in it YOURSELF

and feel good when you THINK beyond YOU

and your comforts and WATCH WHAT YOU

PUT IN THE CAN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reconsider your viewing of "USELESS"

check yourself if you "NEED SOMETHING NEW"

re-arrange your criterion

for what's " kicked to the curb "

leaving LESS for your local  TRASH men

They know what you throw out !

and without a doubt

everything you do Differently will help

Unless you're too caught up in the sick DRAMA

of the "he said"  and  "she said"  bullshit 

who cares ?

when there are REAL people with real

PROBLEMS

deserving your attention

STOP THROWING Away

PLASTIC BAGS FULL OF OTHER PLASTIC BAGS

that cannot be RECYCLED just yet

Do not use them in the first place - DUH !

FIND A AWAY To leave this EARTH

better than you found it

Stop Violence by changing how you think

no, not with a drink

with a hug and a genuine smile

    We're ALL in this together

      no one gets out alive

   all seriousness aside

" if we all lived forever

where would we

park? " (Anonymous)

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi &#@*%

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX