Domestic Violet

A proper mulch . . .

 

protected

east-side perennials

all winter long

while she was gone

possibly to die

but she rallied

like the iris in springtime

and the mice adjourned

after playing as they do

while the cat’s away too long …

not a corner unswept

not a cobweb ignored

no cabinet or drawer

unattended

as nearly nine decades were

unearthed streamlined squared-away

made ready for her return …

surely her faith

brought her home

where she was the last to know her decline

where precious was buried beneath newer and more

and we’ll never know what fourteen bathing suits were for

but I got to know her

before I saw her face

day after day revealed her personality

discoveries degrees destinations

theology along with teaching

memorabilia from St. Thomas

a 50’s model hairnet

individual stockings in a box

from a now obsolete hosiery store

delicate tatting overlaid the Roaring Twenties baby gown

bags and totes and hats in boxes

books all around …

non–essentials sorted marked and labeled

possessions packed or pitched with intuitive golden rule

but there were laughter and tears

when a package appeared

falling from too many sweaters piled high

tissue paper wrap nearly crumbled

ancient and dried

folded over a red wool jacket and bonnet with a slash in the wide brim

three year-old size with patch pockets

large white buttons double-breasted

white fur cuffs and collar trim

with a faded note pinned to the lining inside

written in her mother’s hand -

           This was Flora’s – she took the shears, cut the bonnet

           and she got spanked for it …………

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

 

A message to the well . . .

there's a message

that comes clearly

out of the people dealing with

major difficulties

in their life -

to the people who are

well -

WAKE UP!

"You've got this wonderful life

this wonderful opportunity

don't miss it

don't waste it!!!

Do the best you can with it

and one of the best ways to do that

is to be reminded

that you could die

at any time

and death is our friend when

you take it seriously

because it makes you realize

that you may not have forever

so why not use this precious moment

that you've got

now

to your best advantage" - Ian Gawler (Cancer Survivor)

but more importantly Ian is

an Integrated Medicine Cancer Survivor

as opposed to

the Allopathic method

of

'get out there and fight'

but

first we will take away

your armour

and

your weaponry!

My husband chose traditional Chemo/Radiation

when Thymus Gland Cancer came

to take him away

and I was the horrified

witness

who was ignored on the subject of

ALTERNATIVES

to Chemotherapy (a KNOWN Class 1 Carcinogen)

and Surgery (Cancer already determined IN-OPERABLE???)

and Radiation (yeah we all need more of this !)

The unforgettable experience of watching them

destroy the already compromised immune system and

render the body unable to fight on its own -

the wholesale worship of the Doctor Gods and their every word

with complete disregard for any solutions outside the parameters of

MODERN MEDICINE (Cut it, Burn it, Pharmacuetically suppress it) -

this was an ordeal I wish on no one

but

if we are not going to WAKE UP

then this is all we have to look forward to

with more and more FEDERAL levels of control

regarding OUR lives, OUR bodies, OUR CHOICES!!!

They will have to imprison me to subject me to their

god-awful H1N1 vaccine or any other method

of de-population going on

and I will never see the inside of a CHEMO ROOM again

but I wonder if Farrah Fawcett and Patrick Swayze

and my husband may have

chosen differently

if they could do it all

again . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

The family feuds and . . .

fucked up shit I have seen

as a giver of care to the dying

disabled and/or elderly

will make you cry -

if you have a

heart

and laugh if you have a

family !

The dynamics of some are what makes

the word   " dysfunctional  "

seem clinical

compared to what really goes on

and some of it is

hysterical

as in breath-sucking OMG ! -

and some of it is hysterical as in

comedy

par excellence

and I understand now what my Father meant

when he described falling out of his wheelchair

while in a nursing home briefly

as he was dying of a brain tumor at fifty-seven years young

 in 1991 and

" I could write a book about this ordeal !!! " - he told me 

of the whole brain cancer experience

while I could only imagine from a long distance

and his illustration and humor were present

in every conversation

to the last -

and some of caring for our dying -at- home wizened ones

and others with disabilities

involves flowing

with their family lives

like an ebb tide -

so much easier not to get

sucked in

when you never stay with a patient

too long

but

best to create a good rapport

which requires some

longevity -

enough time to help find the

levity

for stressed out family members

who have been caring for the loved ONE

too many months and years 

or not at all and can't get through a 12 hour shift without

crying like a baby -

and I learned to ignore those who are

over 50 and still have sibling rivalry

going on LOL -

as well as the random  visits from those " too busy " who

show up at 9 a.m. for ten minutes with a

beer in their hand - sheesh

and then I  " talk down "

the one with a magic magnifying mind who is sure

that the POA has something shady going on -

a competitive brother who has been trying to

BEST

his sister

since they were young

and it's amazing to see that both pushin' 60

it's still going on !  ( ick - all too familiar )

On the other hand

I have witnessed the heart-wrenching

absence of family -

the void of no one left who cared enough

and that is why I am there

and others like me

24/7

and seldom does anyone

call or knock

in some families

who leave their elders to

rot -

claiming   " not enough spare time "

or some slop

while  " don't they know I lonely ? "

an aging Asian told me

and I tried to make her feel that there was purpose for her still

and she taught me to cook Japanese food when I was around

and she needed attention so badly

she stripped all the bandages from her dialysis port

and began bleeding out !!!!!!! ( Jesus ! )

Not one family member came  when I called

and fortunately I got the bleeding to stop

but

it could have been her last hour

and not one of her LOVED ones came around !!!!!!!!!!!

WOW !

The selfishness of people is astounding !!!!!!!!

OR

apparently this is what THEY would like to

receive ? ??        ?

They're the kind that like to try treating me

like a back door servant

when I care more about the patient

than they do

sometimes

and they will even expect me to be their

waitress ( good luck ! )

to assuage the guilt they experience

at what my presence

represents

and ooo la la then there's what it

COSTS

and nothing makes people uglier than MONEY

anyway

but especially so

when it means their potential

INHERITANCE

is paying for care giving

that they really want no part of -

and yes most folks are

crass enough to display

money-hungry greed

and some view the elderly as useless

worthless

obsolete

and then my patient wakes up pissed off

to be alive still -

refusing to take the morning mess of pills

and trying to walk without the walker

when I'm not looking

and playing with the  buttons on the remote

so later the care givers get blamed for

" SOMEBODY "  pushing the wrong buttons on the T.V.

and there's a  " somebody "  in every family situation

I've ever known - ( in my family it was always me )

with care givers automatically catching shit

for everything that goes wrong

because you surely can't blame the one on oxygen

and/or in the wheelchair right ?

The family members are so inside out with guilt

and self-interest that they -

of course and especially if they are in charge

and/or signing paychecks -

NEVER do anything wrong

and they're usually too busy fighting with each other -

sometimes in front of their dying elder -

to even know what the hell is going on  -

but

I know and they know I do and

they hate that I can see

and will either attempt to bribe and silence me ( good luck again ! )

or call for a fresh pair of eyes to run their song and dance on

so their LOVED ONE can adapt and adjust to

YET ANOTHER CARE GIVER this day or this week

for the 98th time -

and were it not for all this shit

I might look forward to

my golden years  . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

Care giving is a . . .

thankless job

sometimes -

like parenting -

with the thousand

small sacrifices we make

while the one

cared for

never

knows -

taking for granted

our presence and effort and

attention -

and sometimes the

patient/person/loved one

is barely aware that we are in the room

until we are

not -

but

we are used to this

because most likely we have been

married -

so some of us

more than once

have experienced

being used and disrespected and possibly

abused

by some

dumb slob

but

there was not a paycheck involved -

no recompense for a miserable day

of jumping to every need and demand for

more more more

and  it's a

one-way street

some days -

until we remember

virtue is it's own reward

and we try to give to others

what we would like to receive

for no other reason than

it is the right thing to do

no matter what we

or the dumb slobs in life

have done and may continue to do -

and keeping in mind that

everything in the UNIVERSE is energy

in motion with laws

guarantees

and consequence

so

ask yourself -

if you dare to care -

what did you send out there

lately ?

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

I'll kick your ass . .

across the street

and then

I'll go get you and

kick your ass all the way back !!! -

I told him and he

started to

chuckle -

laughed real hard out loud

when he knows full well

I am the least likely to do that -

cuz he knows

my heart -

my inside -

and he laughs and replies

" I'll bet you will too ! "

" I will and don't make me ! " - I assured him

with a smile and

he laughs and so do I until tears roll

from our eyes

and then an owl hoot hoots

from somewhere outside

and I mention the sound

but his 85 year-old ears cannot hear too well

when we all have to say everything

twice -

so I tell him I hear hoot hooting 

and  " it's not a morning dove at 8 o'clock at night ! "

" You're a pretty sharp girl "

he says with conviction and I reply in Spanish -

" Garcias Santiago, me es no muy stupido y loco

however

whatever I am

if some disagree

then the questions must be taken to The Creator -

the Universal Intelligence that

created me !!!

Take it up with the MANUFACTURER ! "

and he agrees saying his    

" appointment for

The CHAT with the God of his understanding

is coming soon enough ! "

And I said   " I too have questions  -

like what is the purpose of Nebraska

and what on Earth are

War and olives for ??? "

He giggled some more !

And I explained how I envision

birth -

souls lined up in an airplane

with God and his daytimer at the open door -

explaining in detail each new life issued

and then throwing each one

out of the plane

because who would go willingly really ?-

C'mon !!!

So I was

Bitching

right away -

" OH PLEASE NO - not that one !

Can't I have a different life please ????? "

As I was sent to my life despite my

protestations

I forgot that I heard

" TRUST ME - I WILL BE RIGHT THERE "  - from the creator of the UNIVERSE

" and I'm sure I'll be bitchin'  and wanting to know

what THIS was about and what THAT was for

and I'm sure I will get

answers

when I return home ! "

And the wizened old one said laughing -

"  . . .and God will say to you -

I'll kick your ass . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

Glory, Glory . . .

Halleluia !

Glory Glory Halleluia  . . .

Santiago sang

and I wondered if his last days were at hand !

Sudden euphoria and humor and singing

at 1 a.m.

and his 85 year-old self had a glow and was glistening

like some are near the end

and while he was singing

I was sad for my

friend -

but glad to know he would soon

go

and peace

would replace his aching bones

and pain no more would be needed

to learn anything in this phase of

existense -

and then he asked for a bit of wine

and I obliged

at 1:45

and at 2:30 he was ready for bed

again

and after I tucked him in

when I could have gotten a few hours of sleep

I sat awake all through the wee hours

listening to him

breathe . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

Medical mistakes . . .

take out

100,000 people per year -

100 mistakes made

per hospital

per day

and you gotta love Oprah and Dr. Oz

for saying out loud

to the world -

the TRUTH about our

safety

in the hands of the

A.M.A. !!!

Dr. Oz compares it to a jumbo jet

filled with human beings -

crashing every day !

Dennis and Kimberly Quaid's

twins

were almost

killed

when a nurse did not

double check

her next move !

So don't go getting all warm and

fuzzy

in the hospital admitting room -

not when you're at the mercy of human error

and you could die

cuz they're not watchin' what they're doin' !

And how about the Woman without

a breast now -

a mastectomy for no reason -

a breast gone forever that never had Cancer ?

" I matter " she said

" . . .  in a PROCESS that gets in the way "

when Doctors responsible would not speak to her

 in the hospital cafeteria -

fearing legalities

for something they had done WRONG !

And then there's the Gentleman in extreme pain

after surgical procedures

and X-rays revealed

parts left behind -

when they closed him up and

left a 14"  metal retractor

inside !

Dr Oz explains the stresses and strains

of heath care and its professionals -

suggesting the patients look out for

themselves

by writing in ink before surgery

cut here  on the limb or area in question

and not this one  to help surgeons

NOT DO IT WRONG !!!!!

And THEY are charging how much $ for this ???

Something is amiss !

Dr Oz agrees also with a young Man's

pursuit

of a 5th opinion - another option

for cutting out his cancerous  tongue -

not provided by the other 4 physicians !

( It is still in his mouth and he is Cancer free today! )

" Being a smart patient is not being

selfish " says the good Dr. Oz

and I say RESEARCH is # (1) !!!!!!

I believe my last husband

might be alive today

if he had been open

to find another way -

the opinion of more than one faction 

of the A.M.A. -

each department more than willing to carve out a fraction

of the pretty blue Insurance card

attached to his Cancer

and some  "alternative"  options

may have saved the day -

But then . . . . . . . . . would be . . . . . . . different . . .

. . . . . . . . . . if . . . . . . . and . . . . . . . . . . . . Oh

anyway, what I'm trying to say

is LET THE BUYER BEWARE

and stop handing yourself over - it is a huge form of giving

your POWER

away . . . . . . . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

Patience is a virtue

. . . oft times not easily acquired

and I got mine from

giving a care

among the many hats I am

privileged to wear !

Yes I  " give a care "

though you may not

but I guarantee if you

live long enough

you might change your mind about that ~

Along with " grand " and parenting

baton twirling

data gathering

gardening

and friend-shipping -

fairly

just a few

for too many would get no just

attention

and while painting and playing with

clay and glass and metal

and all around

creating

I am on many occasions

for a few years now

a care-giver

one who cares patiently for

OUR ELDEST WISEST Constituents

of " not great enough " social and political

import -

most of them waiting to die ~

I give them a reason to be alive when

I'm there

and tend to their every whim and need

and help them have dignity about their

declining days and

I only pray there is

someone like me when

it's me !

I give kindness and care

and they share the most incredible

many decades

reminiscing aloud

giving more to me than I could possibly say

and they also have dementia sometimes and

one early ALZHEIMER'S morning

my patient of the day

summoned super human strength

from God knows where

and became abusive

and I had to call for help before it was over

and I went home with bruises

but this time from one who

could not help it

instead of an allegedly loving

husband or boyfriend

and that is

ALL the difference in the world !!!!!!!

Painful nonetheless -

INTENTION is everything  in a Violent

event ~

A normal day with a wizened one

does not usually include this

level of insanity

but one 93 year old

several months later

pulled out a gun and smiled while

pointing it at my gut

" . . .  and I'll shoot you . . .  "

she said sweetly !

I saw the REVOLVER

in a split second glance -

it was real and I was a goner

until it registered  that it was  PLASTIC

and

that the child-toy had been stashed

between cookbooks and the cookie jar

on the kitchen counter

for just such an occasion

I guess

but tell that to my heart

just then

and I removed it from

her frail hand

only to find her armed with a box cutter

later !

Most 4 year olds could not keep up with

this little lady and

I got some of the patience to deal with her from

my own 4 year olds and their Dads and other

" old enough to know better but

dumb enough to do it "  adult 4 year olds

and patience even more by being denied

many earthly requests -

rendered grateful later

for things that did not happen

though I did not understand

when the answer was 'NO' repeatedly

and even more patience came from

learning patience for myself

and it's all an inside job -

caring for and nurturing

ourselves

so we can authentically pour

from a really full cup

and really " be there "

for someone else !

Many millions of U.S.A. baby boomer's

are on their way to needing care

in the next decades

in a society that does not respect and revere

its ancient ones

enough !!!

Good Luck to us . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

This one's for you Susanne . . .

regarding your comment -

and thank you for finding me -

I knew somebody out there would

hear me -

and for you or anyone who cares to

share

I'm leaving an e-mail address -

mypennies@hotmail.com

 

and I'm well acquainted with being physically

incapacitated !

I will help in any way I can !!!!!!

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

SURVIVOR . . . from the VORTEX

The old Man . . .

lay on his

death bed -

listening

on his side -

to the fight

in the kitchen -

the one they

grew up in -

the same heated

debate

going on -

with hatred

flung

hard -

sticking to the aging

wallpaper -

ever since he bought the house

when they were

small

in 1962 -

OH Lordy - here they go

again !!! - he thought

staring out the

window -

a world he could

see -

with oxygen on his nose -

but he didn't get to go

in his wheelchair

beyond the kitchen

much anymore -

and this time

his first daughter

from out of town -

visiting -

started in

on his younger daughter -

P.O.A. in charge of

his daily care

for over ten years -

one who lives

near -

and

this time

the Hospice Pastor

was also in the kitchen -

their AUDIENCE

and current game

pawn -

baited and

used -

to be drawn into

the abyss of the

family

drama -

and the old Man

groaned

and rolled over

as they brought it

to his room

and he shouted

STOP IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -

NOW do you understand why

I want to die ? -

he asked the

Pastor -

tried to get up

and had a

heart attack today -

to get away . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

The patients . . .

with their

plethora

of physical malady

are sometimes

easier to deal with than

their families -

such is the experience

of those of us

who care for your 

aging parents !

As giver of care to

folks whose health has

declined

to nearing

death -

I have witnessed the

insane

unkind

extremely objectionable

behavior

of stressed-out loved ones -

for some years now -

and I'm here to say -

WE DO NOTand should NOT

TREAT   SICK  PEOPLE  THIS  WAY !!!!!!!!!!

What are you THINKING ???????????

No one is more

vulnerable

than when ill and/or dying !!!

How do you

kick

someone

already

down ?????

Only the

cowardly

use the opportunity -

with complete disregard that

there is a SUFFERING person around -

when you

argue

fight

scream

even knocking down your

brother or

your sister

with your Dad or Mom

in some kind of constant PAIN -

on oxygen

and 12 kinds of medication !

Are ya CRAZY ????????

Most certainly

you are

guilty

of cruelty !

And yes - you have

MONEY issues

because you have to

pay me - right ?

And you are all fighting over

the spending of money NOW

which will AFFECT HOW MUCH YOU ALL

GET

later - right ?

I see -

and some of you are

even tacky enough to

mention it to

me -

and some of you are admittedly

waiting for them to die -

all about the money -

and I don't make

nearly enough

for what I bring to the party -

but you will

take it all out on me  ( I disagree ! )

and a frail 87 year-old ???

Sorry

I don't work for

free -

or for those who treat me or anyone else

badly !

And I know

INSURANCE companies

put ALL OF YOU

through hell -

but you

negatively affect

the quality of remaining life

for the person in the

wheelchair -

when you start to

scream and yell !!!!!!!!!!

And based on what they tell me -

our wizened aged ones -

they feel like a burden

already

without YOU showing them

their worst fears !

Where's your heart ??????

So if YOUR Mom or Dad

or both of them

are needing care

at the

END

of their lives -

could you muster up some

compassion and

care -

from somewhere ??? - and

remember it's NOT ABOUT YOU !

YOU need to walk a few shaky steps

in their shoes -

to feel the essence of

empathy

hopefully !

I know you're in

denial

that your loved one

is going to die -

and you and other family members

don't see eye to eye -

but getting them up and getting them dressed

and making them act like

they're really alright -

will not keep them

alive !

It is totally

rude

to wake up a sleeping person

for no good reason -

just because it happens to work

for your

daytimer !!!!!!!!!!!!!

When you leave -

they tell me -

( the one who stays )

" The only time I am

comfortable is when I am

asleep ! " - and

" Can you make them leave me alone please ? "

Why can't sick and/or dying people

be left alone to heal

or die

or whatever they are going to do ? -

( whatever they want - 

I say -

at this stage of the game ) -

and I'm positive

YOUR loved one

could have a few

peaceful last days

if y'all could settle your differences

and weren't coming around

messing with them

and me !

I am not the enemy -

I came to HELP

and if YOU are incapable of

positive contribution

at least

DO NO HARM

please !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are all screaming and the

patient

is on HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE medication !

And I'm not there as

YOUR

personal slave -

too also -

I'm there to help your loved one

have a comfortable day

during my shift and to

help them get ready to

leave -

and WE TALK ABOUT IT ! -

( I hope there is someone like me

when it's my turn ! )

And I help them

"get right"

with their life

before they

go - if they want to and

we talk about matters of the

heart

and soul -

while YOU are in the

kitchen

having a knock-down

drag-out

with your brother or sister -

all ABOUT your Mother

or your Father -

who have been listening to you

fight

for 50 - 60 years now -

and who are praying to

GOD

their families will learn to get along

after

they are

gone . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

Because we . . .

WOULD !!!

That is

WHY we cannot !

That is the answer to the question -

why we are not given

the option -

the choice to -

end our own lives

at will -

by lethal injection -

when and

even if

we suffer horribly !

Being

" put to sleep "

sounds so much more

polite

than

" scheduled to be executed " -

does it not ???

And who among us

has not wished

to be taken out

of our misery -

maybe once or twice ?

And because WE would DO IT -

is why not !!!!!!!!!!!!

And we would for reasons

insufficient -

in retrospect -

as it is with all

20/20 -

looking back . . .

So today -

after returning home from

24 hours of Giving Care

to a tiny spunky

79 year - old

diabetic/dialysis dependent

Japanese grandmother -

I was NOT greeted in the usual way

by my 13 year - old

18 pound white and black

single male

feline -

who undertood what

" going to work " means -

and usually

after waiting for me patiently -

came bounding from a fence

and lay on his back

at my feet on the sidewalk

in hopes of getting his

fat belly scratched -

My Cat -

who was taken from my arms

by my Veterinary neighbor and friend

at 8 o'clock yesterday morning

to keep an appointment with

death -

as sanctioned by

me -

his feeder -

his keeper -

his friend  who loved him -

and I was

assisted -

motivated -

moved by

the degree of his suffering

and hopelessness for recovery -

to elect

to have my Cat

put to death . . .

and some of the persons

closest to me -

made it happen

easily -

attempting to lessen my pain and

be of

service ~

One friend took him

to her office and assisted

the Doctor -

witnessed

in my stead -

the peaceful

passing

of my very much loved

feline friend -

while another couple

dug a hole

in my cat's back yard

under my bedroom window -

for burial

and placed a tiny cross

there -

where I tilled and raked

a few years back -

and planted

trees and perennials

to shade the western sun -

a place with a

" secret garden " feeling -

Flowers and rasberries bloom there -

where nothing

had been -

and I say " the Cat's back yard "

because this is

his house

his yard

his life

too

and I have refused to

move from here

when I should have long ago -

not wanting to re-arrange his life

or mine -

to go elsewhere -

if no one minds -

and

some lovely loving friends

of mine and

his too

took the time to give a care

while I was

gone -

bringing flower bouquets

and cards and

PING PONG'S

paw print in clay -

when I got home from care giving

today -

a place

now devoid

of the other

beating heart

that I needed here and

didn't know it

until he was around for

a little while !

My cat was a gift in the big picture -

enhancing my environment

with his presence -

a life preserver -

as it were -

sent to my world when

death and loss and grief

had come again

to steal my

peace -

and he was so much more

than an aninal

needing food and water -

and shelter from the cold

more than just a self-cleaning critter

leaving black and white hair

everywhere -

with a mind of his own -

and aloof reserve -

and I see him

in the

corner

and I see him

on the chair

and I see his favorite

hide-away in the Pompass grass -

now looking foreign

without him there -

and everything looks weird -

surreal

and I'll never be the same again

and I realize

there's no one

home

but me

for sure

and in my

grieving reverie

it occurs to me -

like a

punch

in the eye -

               - sssSSSMMMMAAAACCCK!!!! -

that the reason

human beings

are not given the

" say "

about the hour

of their last day -

is because THEY WOULD !

WE would

if we could

and perhaps would have

many times along the way -

unlike my cat

who was by law

murdered

for " his own sake "

as we say

and I've pondered the

question

for days and years

especially while

giving care to OUR Elders -

mine and yours -

WE ARE ALL CONNECTED -

and after everything I have seen

I wonder how we can

take our pets

out of their misery

so easily

but

the choice is not there

for you and me -

who must go on

to the bitter end -

humanly human animals

who would -

given the option -

perhaps mis-use ???!!!

WE would possibly have

decided

to end it all

during a previous round

of killer pneumonia

or perhaps when we had

gas

or maybe when our spouse went crazy -

issuing a shiner and a

fat lip

or when we eventually

gave them a divorce

because of it -

or when the car hit us

or when we pummeled the one who

wasn't so tough

or when the parent and/or spouse

passed on

and didn't take us

along -

or maybe we would make the call

when we deemed our

self-esteem and self-respect were

gone

and how about when we're broke

and broken -

maybe this is

reason enough -

but the thing about

human beings is that

you never can tell someone else

when enough's

enough -

or when someone has had

enough -

nor say to go or

stay -

and most of all with some folks

you may not believe what they say

anyway -

unlike my cat

who could be counted on

to never stay away for long

and he was certain

to lay behind the

curtain

with his tail sticking out -

so I could find him -

and never did he

ignore my voice

when I needed him

close by -

and he never kept score -

and never criticized -

never punched me in the eye -

never told me

a lie -

never     set me up      to fail

or fall  -

and if he got too near

my toes -

he was wanting my affection -

my attention -

that's all !

And he lived another year

longer

because I begged and pleaded

and cried - Don't Leave !!!!! - pleeeaase -

the first time he was

near death -

when finally his eyes told mine -

" Alright then - though I would really like to 

GO right now

and haven't eaten for

nine days -

I will stay awhile longer -

just for you "

and he grew stronger

and happy again

as we all do when

surviving

near death ~

His appointment now

kept -

I find

I have been once again

spared

being

witness

to death -

it is not " in the cards "

for me all along -

not yet for me to see -

not when

death has been so often

near -

I've been granted reprieve

it seems

and although I am in

close proximity

while ' giving a care ' -

they do not

leave

while I am there -

so far -

but rather I assist them in

the NOW

preparing for

the journey out of HERE -

and on to the next

level of existence as it

cycles around -

energy changes form -

it does not LEAVE -

and even my own Father

was laughing with me

hours before

his death

but I was not permitted -

by circumstances that are LIFE -

to

see him breathe his last !!!

Not anyone else either - as yet

and

never before today

has

life gone away

because I voted yes -

and I am choking

on the depth of

the responsibility -

but I know it is

preparing

me and others

possibly

for whatever lies ahead -

and one day  I will

" smile at his memory "

the card from my good neighbor says

but right now -

I see him

everywhere

yet he's buried

in his yard

and I want him to

Come Back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - please ! -

for me -

at the same time I am

grateful

to end his

suffering -

but

should we be able to ???????

Did the POWER OF THE UNIVERSE

intend us to ???

I don't know !!!!!!!!!!!!

DO YOU ???

If I had the option -

I would have been

gone

many times

long ago -

and even when I did not love

myself

enough

to not harm myself with

alcohol  drugs and

mean mean men -

I was not allowed to

perish slowly

       by my own hand -

surviving instead

was in the

GREAT

GREAT PLAN

so

all I know for sure is that

after everything my Cat has given me -

unconditionally -

while asking for

only loving care -

he deserves to be ignored

in his hour of need

least

of anyone I know . . .

In Loving Memory of    ~~~ PING PONG ~~~

Beautiful Boy

Big'n Fat'n Cat - gone but not

forgotten

affectionately referred to as  " Fat'n " -

by me ~

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My friend is . . .

. . . dying

and tomorrow morning he will be

euthanized -

because I say -

because I have the right as

cat " owner "

and

the responsibility to

not let him suffer

but

I really don't want this

power !

This decision places me in

a God-like god-awful position that

does NOT feel good or Godly at all !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cannot watch another day

my Big'n Fat'n Cat

wobble

as he weakly attempts to

walk

nor see his sunken eyes -

disinterested in food

and not able to pee and

poo

with a muzzle full of drool

as his kidneys are shutting

down

rendering him half the size he was

2 weeks ago ~

My beautiful 18 pound

13 year old feline

with black around one eye and not the other

and a puppy on his

rump

is

dying right before my eyes

and this sadly will be

Good News

to those who entered

my home

and found his presence

objectionable !!!

They turned up their nose -

" Oh you have a cat " !!! -

as if he were a

skunk or a rat !

" Oh I don't like cats "

said a man a few years back

who was trying to run my life

versus having a relationship with

me

and the man was shocked to come back -

the second visit to

my home

and find my cat still

here -

as if because

" he doesn't like . . . "

the cat should

disappear !

And what's wrong with me that

I should not want to

accommodate -

was the question in his " surprised " eyes !!!

I'll take the cat

any day

over a self-absorbed

ego-centric

adult child

which brings to mind

the other complaints -

from typical dog owners usually -

" Oh YOU have a cat "

said my dog owning neighbor

cattily -

as if a nest of vipers

were my pets -

as if somehow dog dander

is best !!! ( I've had many dogs in my day -

allergic without knowing to what until too late ! )

The cat is better behaved than most folks

and a better friend

too !

I'd rather hang out with him than

most of you !!!

I am allergic to the dog owner's dogs

who were ready at the door

to pounce on me - not you -

for years each time I visited

their homes

and I had no choice

but to put up with it

if I wanted their owner's company -

taking big chances with

allergic reactions !!!

( And this somehow equaled

me allegedly

disliking dogs ! - go figure

but

have you ever ended up in a hospital from

being in the company of a canine ?

Repeatedly  ) ???????

H'mmmmm ????

Even I

have found it

troublesome

to have nowhere to sit that is

devoid of Fat'n Cat's black and white fur

and so sometime ago

bade him go " OUT " most of the day

as opposed to " in " -

laying around leaving cat hair

everywhere ! -

" Please " I said and

he knows what this means

( See posts: Cat Tailegories and Big'nFat'nCat )

and wearing black has been

out of the question for

the years I have been

graced with his presence -

just as well at my age

but

I'll be wearing black again -

free to

in the morning

as my guide and guard -

wonderful companion -

and unconditional love

goes away . . .

I'll be gone

immediately following -

must go to work -

a care giving case -

a human being who

lives on dialysis and

does not have

the choice to

end

the non-quality of her life -

it's against the law !!!!! -

yet we can decide to

end the suffering of

our pets ????????????????????????????????

What is wrong with this picture ???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Kevorkian please !!!

I try as care giver to

make the " yet another day "

of our elderly

as comfortable and happy

as possible -

" I WOKE UP AGAIN !!! "

one said and

he was MAD at

lingering

long after the thrill of living was gone -

" a burden to my family and the world " he said -

" Yes you are here - still "  I replied -

" and I don't know

why

any more than you do -

but your family loves you very much and

they want you around still perhaps

and maybe God needs you here

a little while longer -

for you to share

what your life has been

with others -

we could play some cards and

talk about it -

whaddya say ? "

He gave honor to his life

and privilege to

me -

when he unloaded

the vast storehouse of his

knowledge

wisdom

experience

over the next 12  of his last days

and with it the

confession of

shortcomings -

wrong-doing

guilt-making

stuff -

the kind we should

ALL

be free of

( I find it easier to unload on a regular basis

instead of letting it all pile up ! )

when we

go home -

cross over -

part the veil -

meet our maker -

or whatever you think goes on !

My Cat

however

has no such need -

he does not live in the world of

fear - avarice and greed

and I would gladly bleed

and take his pain -

if he could

remain

in my company

but

I am not selfish enough

to make him stay

with extraordinary measures -

just for me -

not when he was

dying

this time last year and

I cried begged pleaded

for him to stay -

not knowing the depth of my feeling

until that moment -

like I didn't know that I needed him

until he came to stay

and so

put healing herbs and loving hands upon him

then as now

and prayed

and that's why he is still here -

granted one more year

to be ready for

his last day -

his time

now

and

another

beginning

of the never ever again

again

again . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

Hands . . .

. . . she once said

" a most interesting

study . . .

and she trailed off -

leaving me to ponder

the seed ~

She had a Psychology

Ph.D.

and a cane

and a flowing

white

mane -

a steely - eyed

hawk

of ample proportion -

cushy and warm

and could be

almost Grandmotherly

when she wasn't

shrinking me ~

" I finally trust you "

    I finally said -

after almost two years

of meeting her weekly

for coffee ~

She nodded and

smiled -

" Trust is not a given

and should take

time " - she replied

And I was painfully

reminded

I had not learned to give time

time

with the people in

my life

and I was

therefore

here with her

for the 98th hour

So I said -

" You have given me

so much

in our relationship

that I feel

I should say

the most important

is the ability

for honesty without

penalty -

to say openly

fearlessly

I did not trust

and did not know

until the moment

I knew it -

thank you so much and I'm here

for you

if there's ever anything

I can do to return your kindness  " -

and I got up to hug her ~

" And you are

amazingly

mentally healthy

for one who has had

your life

experiences "

she replied

and that was 20 years ago -

when everything coming

had not happened

yet ~

" . . . that which is unspoken

is captured

with each gesture

by our hands . . . "

she expounded

" revealing more than we

say out loud or

realize  . . . "

Her own hands fell silent

in her lap

while I ranted

my usual bitch and moan

of denial

fingers punctuating the air

hands waving

with every word

to make my

point -

telling  all

my life story

good bad and ugly

to a wizened

and wise

sober long time

octogenarian

in a

house-dress and

appropriate shoes -

her credentials

in a frame

above her

desk ~

As we became good friends

many first times

happened there -

where I first knew

that " running away "

from my

environment

was

the only thing I

could do ~

" It is

in fact

what sane people do -

they move away

instinctively

from the source of

pain " - she said

" For any problem

ask yourself what a

sane person would do and

do that " - she suggested

" Oh - I don't know ?!? "

I replied

" Yes you do - we all do -

unless our brains are damaged -

if we get real honest from inside -

we all know what a sane person

might decide

but we just don't want to

do

what might not be so much

fun

that's all ! " - and she

smiled ~

By then I had a warped instinct

regarding

survival

firmly in place -

I had learned to stay

too near the flame -

was singed and

burned

steaming and

venting -

healing slowly

in the safe company of

the larger - than - Life

elderly Woman

with a brand new

diamond ring

on her left

hand -

relaxed upon her

lap

while

both my hands

flew around wildly -

Latin style -

emphasizing

every other word I spewed

like I saw

growing up -

feet and fists flying -

and was able to -

in the comfort of her

presence -

discuss the

confusion

I felt

when the same hands that

will harm you

then try to reach out and

love you up ~

"  . . . you seldom talk with

your hands

or much about

your life  ? "

I queried and

with a rare flutter

she reached to brush at

her hair

above her wire-rimmed glasses

and said -

" I save my energy for

where it is needed -

directing my focus

to clarity in

my utterance " -

and then she told me

of early days -

of marriages -

of Men and children and

Women's rights -

bad schools of

thought -

bad neighborhoods and

difficult family matters

and Wars -

Booze and her

last drink

30 years before ~

" I gave it all up

and went after

this -

with a hand

waved around the room

"  . . . and my fond wish for

you

is that all you were

created to be and do

will come to and

from you !

You are so much more than

your circumstances

allow

but you have an

intuitive strength

that will take you

far  . . . "

she smiled -

" 'Tis your choice! " -

and touched her heart

with her hand ~

" And next month "

she went on to say -

" I will marry

one final time -

a Man who for

many years

has been my

best friend

through thick and

through thin " ~

I was there

when they wed -

when a handsome elderly Man

with an oxygen tube

gracing his beautiful nose -

slipped a Wedding band

on the third finger

left hand

of his lovely bride -

supported by her cane

as they vowed to

" give a care "

until death do . . .

and they waved

with a smile

and had

Love

for awhile

holding hands

on the night

they both

died . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

 

A Senior Blessing . . .

. . . came to my life today

when I entered the home of

my next  "Giving a Care" case ~

" I couldn't do it " - Daisy Dukes-up exclaimed to me

" I don't know how you do it - it would be so hard I just know it -

I would get attached and it would hurt when they finally GO -

how you do it I just don't know !!! "

( She provides daycare for 5 young children under the age of 4 each day

and is a Senior herself - according to her, and we are the same age so

I guess that means I am a Senior too !!!!!!!!!) ~~~~~~~~~~~

" I couldn't do it " - I told Daisy Dukes-up

" I don't know how you do it - it would be so hard I just know it -

I would get attached and it would hurt when they finally go

to school and don't come back anymore -

how you do it I just don't know !!! " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can GIVE A CARE because I know the hardship

of physical malady all too well -

a thick file has been created in my lifetime

at the White Coats offices -

( and today for Health and Wellness

that is NOT where I go ! )

so

I can be of service to those leaving this world

because I have come to terms with the fact that

I

will be leaving myself ~

NO ONE GETS OUT OF THIS LIFE ALIVE !

So, I am Caring once again

for a Hospice patient - a wonderful 85 year old man

with the same official  D.N.R. orders I have seen before

posted on many refrigerator doors-

" DO NOT RESUSCITATE "   ~~~~~~~~~~~~

An octogenerian who I am sure will relate to me the most memorable events of

his life and share the wisdom of his years -

as They ALL DO !!!!

And some have emptied themselves of the darkest secrets

we ALL would do well to unload before we GO !

And I have great respect for their confidences and will take them

to my grave ~ or urn, that is -

no box in the ground for me and

NO  CHEMO-THERAPY !!!!!!! please ~

I have spent many so many days in the CHEMO rooms

with my husband - a Cancer patient

who agreed to allow Big Pharma and the A.M.A.

to do their big BUSINESS deal and

torture him to death to try to

keep him alive ~

By the time he died

THEY - the Heart/Lung specialists and

their Departments and Laboratories -

Cancer surgeons and their endless painful biopsies

and open chest surgery and I.C.U. for 14 days

and Doctors of Oncology and their

endless mixtures of intravenous

toxic

CHEMO poisons

and radiation

along with Medical equipment companies

and the endless deliveries of giant OXYGEN spheres

and miles of tubing and piles of paperwork generated

from the BUSINESS of CANCER ~

They had each taken a chunk of the pretty blue plastic

---------------------- Insurance card -

(assurance of our inevitable death - paid for in

installments)  -

provided by a job well done for the required length of time

at my place of employment and

they ALL took a chunk of the Man -

to no avail ~

And since the days of giving care to him

I find my time best spent in the care of fellow

human beings

who have D.N.R.'s on refrigerator doors -

whose lives are winding down and

who have exhausted all extraordinary measures ~

They tell me stories and I make their meals and

do their laundry - tidying up as I go

and I help them to their bathrooms

if they can still get up or deal with the process of elimination

if they cannot

and they make me laugh and they call me

"Chief" and

I make them laugh and tend to all that is needed

and make sure they get whatever endless

PHARMAcueticals they are on

and try to

in the short time I am with them -

fill their day with comfort and ease

like I will want and need when it is

ME . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

 

Insanity Still

Calendula called

with incredula fabula

comedy/tragedy

today

A companion was hired

to give a care

to the difficult days

her parents are having

every aging day

Old BUCK is as

usual

trying to run the

show

when he doesn't know

that he doesn't know

dementia won't let him

now

but all along he's been

'just that way'

anyhow

Calend said

Mama Belle is still

stroked - out

and smiles a lot

from her wheelchair

struggling just

to say

No Way !

about whatever

to HIM ~

This day's new giver

of care

is African American

but born in Tahiti

and quite round

about 290 pounds

according to

Calend

and did not take too  long

to begin

a long list of

offenses

according to BUCK

The first insult came when

dear BUCK

made fun of her

whole name

" You're Jade-iya keesha misheoiu Tala

aiya Lya  ~ WHAaaT ? "

said the BUCK

of all weeds

upon her first

arrival

" 'Scuse ME ! "

Jade-iya Lya

replied

rolling her big

dark eyes

" You say that agin'

I munna punch you

in the eye !!! "

These were fightin' words

to the weed of all weeds

Old BUCK

" I think you'll NOT !

you fat old black sock ! "

and Calendula said

" IT WAS ON ! "

As insanity ensued

with Jade-iya Lya

all drugged up on

ATAVAN

too !

The push would come

to shove

with the tiny Belle

in the middle

trying to break it

up

as they bitched and

fussed and flirted

like lover's in

foreplay

all day

as the Belle flower

told it later ~

Before it was through

Jade-iya tripped and

fell into bed

in the dark of night

290 pounds of fright

all ATAVANED - out

right on top of

Miss Belle and Old Buck

around midnite

running amuck

And when morning

came around

Jade-iya Lya was found

in BUCK'S favorite

chair

wearing only her skirt -

blouse around her head like

a turban

sipping out of BUCK'S

favorite bottle of

bourbon

two enormous Tahitian

breasts

hanging out !

Calenda stopped by

later

to find the three

sitting silent

and still

Jade-iya out cold

sprawled in the BUCK'S

recliner and naked from the

waist

her skirt hiked up

with her rotund legs

apart

everything in chaos

not a thing in its place

and the tiny Belle on

the other side of the room

had taken her blouse off

too !

The only sound

familiar

the whine of warring planes

volume in hand

of the Plantain called

BUCK

in the middle of the sofa

wearing no

pants

and a big grin

on his face  . . . !

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

Fat'ncat

I drove home from

her funeral after

~ Gardenia

was laid to rest ~

a horrendous ordeal

gathered folks together

who would otherwise not meet

Condolences then

and now for those who

loved Gardenia ~

murdered by a jealous

lover

a man who once her neighbor

three weeks later

killed his wife ~

So from a negative negative

negative situation

a distantly mutual 

acquaintance in the ' after '

coffee crowd

exclaimed her need to

find a new home for her

" 8 year old neutered

never- made- me- mad in

his whole

life "

cat

I replied involuntarily

" I have a mouse !? "

although I didn't know why

I said a word ~

and then later she delivered

a taped shut extra large

filled with air holes

cardboard box

with cat gear loaded into

the cat carrier ????

in the dark

we filled my car

and she cried and put her

old bathrobe in the backseat

so her scent would be near

so he would not be

so badly affected

by the twilight-zone

experience he was

having

since she

shut him in the box ~

And so I drove for two hours

while the poor man-cat

meowed and thrashed around

and I cried too

talking to him

all the way home

with a cat and

disbelief ~

Gardenia's murder

earlier in the week

had stunned me

Her funeral numbed me

I realized

when I carried

the heavy box

into my living room

as I stripped off the tape

and

opened the flaps

I had no idea

what the cat looked like !

It could be ANYTHING

at all !

and out stepped a

mostly white medium coat

strangely marked with black

BIG'NFAT'NCAT !!!!!!!!!!!!

Eighteen pounds if he's an ounce

one green eye marked with

black melting down from the top

of his head

the other green eye surrounded by

his dominant white

A perfect 3 inch dot situated

mid - shoulder

at the back of his neck

and smaller indigo spots

on two legs

a paw and his head

On his rump

larger round dots

run together

in the shape of a PUPPY

with a profile like a Scottie and

a little curled-up tail !

It was surreal

the feel

of the strange-to-me

feline

at first sight

He came at the precise

moment I needed

another beating heart

in my house

but didn't know it

until that night

I was paralyzed by FEAR

at news of the DEATH of

the GARDENIA and he gave me a reason

to get off my chair

to give a care

right when

Universal Boss knew

I needed him most ( Merci ! )

Big'ncat'nfat'ncat

A.K.A. Fat'n

He's so beautiful

when he lets himself in

the old screened front door

in the summertime

by flipping it open with a paw

and gives it a push

and lets himself out

when he wants

and wakes me if I'm nodding

in my chair

and understands my every word

( if the cat could only talk ! )  . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

Belle Flower

Calendula called

with news of her mother

A Canterbury Belle

from the ( Campanula )

family

Her spikes of larger

bell-shaped flowers

can become 2 and half feet

tall

but she's a smaller one

C.m. calycanthema

is why she's  cup and saucer

one of her many colored flowers

sits in another petal rim

fitting closely

within

She likes full Sun and

well-drained soil

But she doesn't get much

some days

and never has

home growing old

with a narrow-leaved plantain

named Buckhorn

from the ( Plantago laneolata )

family

Belle and Buck

are an interesting pair

needing in home care

and I've been over there

to help Calendula

give a care

Belle is one rare flower

among the Flower Girls

She fits in a space

a place in 

the vase

reserved for the women who

stayed

with encroaching

pushy and

controlling

weeds of the perennial kind

like BUCK

for too long ~

He rode hard the

the young Calend

and would continue still

but she won't let him

and even Belle has

found her will

from a wheelchair

with a stroked - out

voice

she demands a choice

finally

as dementia carries

the mind of Buck-weed

to places unknown

trailing

and choking

and binding them up

He's a tough one to

stop

He hung out

all his laneolata

life

with the likes of Rag-weed and

Chick-weed

Henbit and

poison Ivy

and other controlling

invasive

types

He wrote books on

war and ammunition

and a missile he invented

to kill cities and countries

and FLOWERS and stuff

watching war documentaries

on T.V. all day

still

And he's sure he's so right

for all of their lives

that they cowered in fright

and could not

grow real tall

under his

mighty mistaken

oppression

But the tiny

Belle flower

says " No please ! "

now

for the first time

in her life

and Calend

calls me up

for detachment with love and

prayer

and help to

give a care

for this pair

in her garden . . .

see post: Insanity Still

found in the FLOWER Girls

category for another look at

giving a care !

if you dare

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

What of the Power

So

what of the Power

to enlighten or

shatter ?

Will you wield the sword

wisely once

bestowed ?

Will you tremble and

cower

or bite bullets as

scattered grey matter

congeals

and heals

rocks and reels

on the heels

of

the truth ?

All Power mis-used

is original sin

as is Power

gone

un-recognized

If it's used for the

good

I'm sure you'll realize

it will only be known

by its fruit ~

Will you keep to your

breast

a Godly invest

lest you wind up

with mud in your eye ?

Will you try ?

or retreat

at the first sign of trouble

or dust yourself off

and re-double

aligning your will

with each line ?

A wizened and wise one

did ask long ago

when a Poet

did speak of the gift

fearful of rift

and review

If you're given a Power

of any real kind

the sin is in

hiding behind

the possible feel

of those who will reel

from the sound of " a " truth

you must share

from your mind

heart and soul ~

said the Sage when

the Poet lamented

Let those who can hear

be those near and dear

the rest are of no

consequence

A gift yet unopened

is a sad gift indeed

though it shines like a light

from your eyes

You've been given a

choice

in your eloquent voice

and the Power

to touch

and to heal

those lost in their way

to say what transpires

in love and in life

to inspire

giving hope to

the beaten and

tired ~

So what of the Power

you know you possess ?

If you use talent

wisely

right resulting will follow

precisely as it

was created to do

The outcome of truth

is not in your hands

it sits in the palm of

the ONE

You must simply

be true to the truth and

to

you

and always to share

from your heart

your greatest part

INTUIT the pen or key or

brush stroke

as clay upon the wheel

follow your strongest

creative desire

for Divinity guides

the hand of the Poet

the Artist

the Painter

the Writer and Sculptor

and the Mothers of young

expressing what God needs to say

in a way

we can hear feel and see

When I tried to

withhold

the voice of Creation

my spirit suffered

slowly starving

almost

killing

me ~

as she reached for and

fondled a statue

startling

and serious

sculpted from her own

brave hand

The faceless Reaper in robes

and chains

with the sickle of death

in one hand

and the Keys to the Kingdom

in the other

It's called CHOICE

said she . . . ( 1983 )

. . . " and even in our sleep

pain that cannot forget

falls

drop by drop upon the heart,

and in our own despair, against

our will, comes

wisdom to us

by the awful grace of God " ~ Aeschylus

 

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Reason

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my soul to keep . . .

thank you God

I love you

so much

How can you not

love a God

who hears you ?

This A.M. I said

aloud

to Big'ncat-nfat'ncat

and the Universe

" Just give me a reason

       to get up

   in the morning "

When things look

bleak

right before it goes

black

and we ALL have

those moments

you know -

when you're not sure why

you continue

to do what

you do

like entering laboratories

of higher learning

Or, working in the

yard held together

by bind -weed

it seems

Or, taking care of

a recovering

( for a change )

patient

which results

in dwindling shifts

as you become unnecessary

or, waiting with those

waiting to

die

So, the financial world

looks same-as-it-ever was

scary

but she doesn't want

me to leave her

yet

so I don't

and say every day

it'll all be

O.K.

And in that same moment

the one we all have

once in a while

when you just want

to give and get

a hug

and someone besides

yourself

to say

it'll all be alright

even if it's not

Compassion and

encouragement

go a long way

So, this morning

I had a moment

when I wanted to

check - out

kind of like that

A.W.O.L. thing

I recently wrote about

but not the same

at all

I did not want to dis -connect

from me, myself

and I

I did not want to

do good drugs

get really, really

high

why ?

I wore out

the "click"

from a drink

it's out of the question

for a long time

now

I just wanted to

undo all the work

I just did

put it in storage

and padlock

the lid

burn the books

quit my job

and drive away . . .

to God knows

where

maybe walk into

the forest

and maybe

come out

So, I said to my cat

and the thin morning air

" Give me a reason

  to care "

And then I wrote

a 3 page paper on

self -determination

as it applied

to 1912 International politics

to hand in for grading later

and

called my daughter

who is a breath of

real fresh air

and sat for 2 hours

in the evening

while an Historian

lectured on Lenin, Stalin

Mussolini, Hitler

their use of Roman symbols

and WAR

which we are

sure to have more of

when the " MACHINE "

is how we got here !

I am a lover

not a fighter

I discovered when

I caught up with

me

from a

long time A.W.O.L.

spree

To strike out

went against

my nature

filled me with

conflict

and self - hatred

destroying my

" container "

I didn't want

to have to

all along !

So, I don't ~

living peacefully

in my own skin

until I run out of care

from out of nowhere

which is rare

now

And the last time

I will ever

be hit

by a man

was years ago

by simply not

having one

thus far

and walking what I talk

with zero tolerance for abuse

The message on

my late evening phone

is the answer to

my morning

dialogue with

? and Fatn'cat

Ask for the right thing

for the right reason

and ye

shall receive

if your " house "

is in order

and ask for order

when it's not

not the building you live in

the one you " LIVE " in

How can you not love

a God who hears you ?

especially when

few others

do

and the cat . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

It's in my eyes

I lived in criticism

I can criticize with

the worst of them

I can also and preferably

analyze, dissect and organize

realize

as I apologize

I sympathize

a fool grown wise

I know my size

It's

in my eyes . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi ~

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX

Respect and a two-way Street

I'm reminded today

after the Rosary

and three Hail Mary's

( Holy Shua ! )

that she picked me

to care for her

She's 73 with "peenches"

in her hip

and

of Eastern European

descent

Her accent learned to talk

in Texas ( born and raised )

too - y'all

if you can imagine

A Chechoslovakian Texan

Catholic Republican

Her replay of interviewing

only three and picking me

gives me chuckle

and I just have to know why

    Because you didna' pull no punches

you AM who you am

and that's all -  y'all

   Your humor found me almost right off

  Yet you so really are a lady;

your good behavior I knew would care

for me real well

   I didna' want to

have to need you

I didna' want to ask for help

You make it easy to keep my pride when

you are at my side

and only do for me

what

I cain't 

myself ~

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi @%*#$

Survivor . . . from the Vortex

To Bring to the Party

To have it to share

To give a care

To only be unhappy

if I did not make you laugh

To somehow understand

and for you

run a bath

To leave you with

your dignity

as I help you

undress

To give you every option

to do just for yourself

much like you could always do

when you were

in good health

To make it so it's easy

that you must now have help

I know all things regarding pride

not allowing any assistance

I struggled too when I finally knew

I couldn't do it by myself

And I'll be there someday

nearer than far

I'll be fortunate you see

if there's someone there like me

so that is what I bring to

the party

the one attended by those less

fortunate than me

The Wrinkled Kids are my favorite

I have always especially loved everyone over 70

and under the age of three

It is my struggle in life to tolerate anyone in between

I have "more than one child"  which

shouldn't surprise

and I've learned more from them than

they realize

and I seek out the wisdom

in the Wrinkled Kids'

eyes

and they give me

much more than

I could ever return

They are teachers

they've been crooks

one was even a spy

Barb was a bouncer

Pris wrote books

one runs the company

that sends me to care

some have wheelchairs

some are on oxygen

fighting for air

few can walk

much

without help

and the best attitude I've seen was

locked up with stroke

and could barely talk

They are all beyond caring

for "their reputation"

and the dying sometimes carry on

unbelievable spiritual communication !

So when they fall in love with me

'bout half way through the day

they've  found someone to "tell it to"

before they go away

And their secrets I keep . . .

As for babies it goes without saying

that mine were fortunate

to come onto the planet

into this LIFE

to me

when

that is where

I'm at my best

I was once beaten

while holding my baby

Apparently I said something he didn't like

and he had to

GO . . .

so this mama wouldn't have to kill him !

There is no greater Power in this world

than a lioness protecting her cubs

without it there would be no LIFE

no love, no salve for the soul

no way to give a care

Party on . . .

Domestic Violet

Semper Vi  #%&$@?

Survivor . . . from the VORTEX