sang Stevie Nicks -
Miss Stephanie -
but first she said to
" Have fun " . . .
and I did
have fun
and long before she made
the suggestion -
singing -
telling us about her
experience
situation
habitation
and we all know
when you have to habit
you have to
habit -
and some of mine have been
beautiful
and some
tragic
but telling the truth
was/is a dominant
tendency
for me anyway
unless I was confronted by
a person
place
situation
where my honesty
could/would bring
pain
punishment
possible further damage to
me and/or
someone else
and then
FEAR for
us
occasionally ( as opposed to each and every time )
would/could take over and
win -
however today
while I may have
genuine concerns -
whittled to their
right/realistic size
I am no longer plagued by
inordinate terrors
of this and that and
the other kind -
and with discretion and
some care
I tell what it was like -
what happened and
what it is like
now -
having as much fun
in the freedom
as I can -
coming from having been
a mellow child
sans excessive energy or
much to say while stuttering several times a day
until
around age 12
and from then to
now
I have had plenty to communicate
since I went from little girl Violet
to the Violet Wild Child
to Mom and then Grama Vi -
and unlike some of the attendent
habits
which have been
eliminated
altogether
and some modified -
taken from a broken thing
to become what " works "
as opposed to
not
and although I lost
a lot -
I have not lost my mind ( are ya crazy ??? )
nor my voice ( La !! )
or the power of
choice -
and because of my habitation
situation
formulated quite firmly in my
teen years in the 60's -
including
love/men/sex
drugs & alcohol of course
and rock 'n roll
I was not at my
best
frequently
unable to
work
play
rest
in right proportion -
out of
balance
at times -
not able to
give attention to
what may have served me
best
much less able to participate in a
political
community or
global sense -
not fully present for
life
as I have come to understand it -
easy to see with
hindsight's
clarity
but
perhaps glaring
to those in my midst
who wanted/needed all of me
and I could only give
and do my best with
what I had to work with
at the time
though I tried with all my might
to divert my eyes
from the next
love
next drink
next trauma drama from
love
and too much beer/whiskey/wine
and I was running
at top speed
from FEAR
but
I had fun
when I wasn't worried -
about the children
and the bills
and the abusive man
about to come in the door -
I had fun when
I wasn't hungover and looking for
more -
and much joy was found when
I wasn't being beaten and
pushed around and
habitually
I stayed on this roller-coaster
until I didn't
anymore -
so at this
point
juncture
intersection
if this is too much
" telling "
for all y'all
then do not read on -
but if you do
please know
that with every word I write
I am having a ball -
in my bliss
as it were/am -
a place visited with pen in hand
and an intuitive finger on the collective
pulse -
a very great habit
as habits go -
a discipline
and great fun
only topped by
hitting the highest
soprano note -
better than sex -
ask any singer/musician
around
and I've been surrounded by them
for all of life and how beautiful is that ???
But some of them
beat me
black and blue and red -
I guess they didn't know
what to do
instead
with their FEAR and
insecurity
so they attempted to
give/transfer
it
to me
when the music died
down
when their fans/enteurage were not around
and many times
I left town -
never living in too many places
for too very long -
taking innocent children
with me -
all of us undeserving of
having to go -
leaving home -
friends and schools and
neighbors and
family members -
yet they/the kids have
much character
built from adversity and are better people
than they might be/may have been
for experiencing
real LIFE
and me -
not another one
like me
anywhere in the world -
just to throw a
curve
in the confessional
where I'm comfortable
in the reveal -
YOU SHOULD/COULD BE SO FREE -
that whatever you do/have done
you can say honestly
" yes that was me "
but
you can only get there
after
differently
is done ( however it comes ???!!! )
and it's really not all that scary
to drop your
alibi system -
change your paradigm and start anew -
not compared to
experiencing
the lens of FEAR you
are/may be
currently/still/yet/again
looking through -
but all I have to tell
is the application of
knowledge
and personally personal experience thus far
which has fined-tuned
some better
tendencies
which really only take
practice
practice
practice -
and practice you must
to eliminate the
non-working M.O. and stuff
and non-working results
as sane persons
move away from
the sources of
pain
not repeating the same thing
over and over and over
again
and this requires
change -
" EEeeeeeuuuuwww but I don't
waaant to !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "
you/I
will/have
possibly/probably
proclaimed
and so you stay
the same
and go around the wheel
again -
like a hamster in a
cage
and no one knows
better than I do
and Miss Stephanie too -
closer to " wearing purple " and " spitting in the street "
( from: When I am an Old Woman - look it up ! )
and if you live long enough
you will/may get there one day
but have fun along the way -
twirl your baton or
whatever turns you on -
call your Mom -
and waste no more time
in the lower vibration of
anger self-pity resentment
as the " never ever again " is eternal -
talk to your neighbor honestly
impromptu -
and remember there is not another one like
YOU -
laugh and forgive you/me too
for the humanly stupid
mistakes
WE ALL must make
to learn and grow and
change -
and read a book now and then
and write
if you can -
as the spirit
moves -
visited by the muse -
have fun -
tell the
world . . .
Domestic Violet
Semper Vi ~
Survivor . . . from the VORTEX
